How Do You Say "Moron" In French?

This is an actual conversation I had with a random, ugly, foreign woman today while out with my kids:

[after five minutes of small talk...]

CaptiousNut - (jokingly) What's that, a Boston accent you have?

ForeignMom - No, I'mmmmm from Frahhhnce (France).

CaptiousNut - You married an American guy?

ForeignMom - Yeah.

CaptiousNut - I thought you guys hated Americans???

ForeignMom - (irate) Dat iz a bery prejewdissed ding to say.

CaptiousNut - Gee, all this time I thought 'hating Americans' was prejudicial...

[silence]

CaptiousNut - Here's a prejudice for you. Up until now, I mistakenly thought that all French chicks were attractive!

Okay, that last line was muttered, inaudibly under my breath. Believe it or not, I am really quite the social diplomat out in public!

Now clearly, living in America, marrying an American, and reproducing with one ought to give her quite the buffer against any sort of "anti-American" accusation, should it not? It's just like the impunity I hold for Italian mockery. I was being ironical; it was a jest for crying out loud. But she was incredibly pissed. At least a pissed off French(wo)man is hardly at all scary.

So I wonder - what fool would marry a humorless, hideous French woman?

She must have some dowry. Or some hope chest.

Perhaps he's no prize either.

These are small towns. We'll clash again and, of course, I'll blog it.

Society Rests Upon Her Breath?

Dancing, is practiced in order to see whether lovers are healthy and suitable for one another; at the end of a dance the gentleman is permitted to kiss his mistress, in order that he may ascertain if she has agreeable breath. In the manner...dancing becomes necessary for the good government of society. (Jehan Tabourot)

I love it!

Go to some club; grind with some floozy, then, when the song ends, tell her she needs to kiss you both as an incumbent breath test AND for the good of society.

It's a darned shame that I am only learning these fail-safe techniques AFTER I got hitched. There's plenty of wisdom in these ancient adages and strategies: "get a good look at her mother", choose a tergo (link), etc.

But getting back to the halitosis theme - I do have friends who've dumped girls because of disagreeable odor emanation (from nooks and crannies additional to the mouth). And no doubt many of my buddies were themselves dumped on account of their hygienic negligence. In fact, a girl that worked with my wife was shocked when her fiancee moved in. She discovered that he didn't EVER change his boxers. He took them off at shower-time, bathed, dried off, and put the same exact pair back on. He reasoned that he was always clean when he put them on so the boxers must retain that integrity. (They did make it to the altar.)

It's probably a tautology, but my buddies who are still single in their mid-thirties, they have always been the most superficial. They are the ones unshakably hung up on the issues of breath and breadth.

Happy hunting.