Marginalized Miami Gringos

I hate to generalize off so small a sample set...

But after 3 days here in Miami I can't help but agree with Big Mack's *Miami is a toilet* declaration at least on one level.

The Hispanics here can be rude as *$hit*.

At first I thought that it may have just been a *poor customer service* situation. After all, outside of my haunts of NYC and Philly my wife and I consider just about every place we've ever been to to be have terrible (rude!) customer service. Heck, no place has more ornery or more ungrateful servers and cashiers than Boston.

EXCEPT, at least those SOBs are rude to you in English!

Our last night at the otherwise beautiful Bayside Marketplace was the capper.

My wife waited at the counter of some EMPTY burger joint for FIVE FULL MINUTES without any acknowledgement by the staff - before walking away.

I sat down at some Latin American place and was greeted with about the rudest waitress imaginable. She didn't say a single word to me; didn't make eye contact or smile; didn't acknowledge what I ordered; in fact she didn't even turn her body toward me.

Yet I tried not to take it personally. I sat there, eating a sandwich DIFFERENT from the one I actually ordered and waxed philosophical. I thought perhaps she's just rude to everyone. ¿No?

Not a second later four people sat down next to me. This same wench went over and greeted them with a warm *HOLA* and proceeded to tick off the list of today's specials IN SPANISH. They had specials? I had no idea.

Aha! A gringo-phobe!

A few minutes later my wife came over, grumbling about the burger joint. I told her I too was suffering from poor service. Then the waitress wench came by - no not to my table - to the adjacent one. She asked her amigos how their food was, if everything was bueno, etc.

My wife, with a sheepish grin, asked me if the wench had come by and asked me the same questions. She most certainly did not!

So I ordered a Cuban sandwich ($8.50) and a Coke Classic ($2.55)...

Eager to get out of there and unburden my haters, I threw a $20 bill at the wench.

She came back with a little over $4 in change.

Say what?

My food tab was $11.05 so to get a total over $15 my rapid math skills told me that 36% (4/11ths) had to be added to it. I don't know what the taxes are in Miami and I do know that they often *include the tip* in la cuenta but no combination (both 18%?) could have jacked the bill up that much - I didn't think.

Miffed, I complained. The wench brought over the bill. She had upgraded me from the Cuban Sandwich to the *Cuban Sandwich Especial*. And she had charged me $2.95 for a Coke Classic that was advertised as $2.50 on the menu. (The included tip was 15%.)

I couldn't take it any longer (especially over $2) and bolted right out of there.

On our way out we stopped at one of those tourist attraction booths and inquired about possibly going on a family boat trip the next day. But this guy was a jerk too. He couldn't get rid of us fast enough, apparently so he could continue his bilingual conversation with someone else nearby - someone who didn't exactly looked poised to spend $80 the next day on an overpriced sightseeing tour either.

Except for perhaps the band playing, we hadn't heard more than 2 or 3 people all night there speaking English!

At the last stop before we mercifully left the hostile environment, I hit a newsstand to buy some bottled water and a candy bar before we got back to the *minibar ripoff* at our hotel.

I stood there, completely ignored, probably the only customer this guy had had in the last hour. Eventually he looked at me, took one step in my direction....before turning away to answer his cell teléfono!

At this point I was about to throw the Twix in my hand right at his bleepin' cabeza!!!

So what does a gringo have to do here? Stay home and cook? Limit themselves to the Olive Garden?

I don't know.

It's beautiful enough that there has to be a way avoid these tontos feos...

Pooped From Paganized Christmas Festivities

I just got home today from 4 days at my parents' place in arctic Massachusetts.

I was met by 2 feet of snow in my driveway that needed to be shoveled.

That was on top of the 12 inches I had to help remove from my parents' house; AND I also helped shovel out my BIL's cars in Connecticut this afternoon. He had thrown out his back.

1.5 weeks ago I picked up my brother at the airport and since then it's been non-stop eating, drinking, entertaining, shopping, wrapping, unwrapping, and driving all over the place.

To say that my *productivity* suffered is to put it mildly. And I'm freakin' exhausted.

I'm supposed to be on the road to Miami now except that I haven't been able to secure a place to my liking as of yet. Of course there are tons of places to rent down there - given the imploding economy and the *overdevelopment* - except that these condo owners mortgagers are too Moronic to consider reality-based bids.

For example:

I emailed some guy - actually a bunch - with my standard questions, "Do you have internet?" and "If you would consider $2,500 for the month of January, please let me know."

The knuckle-head CALLS me back:

CaptiousNut - Wait, I've contacted a lot of people. How much are you looking for?

KnuckleHead - It's $3,200 for January.

CaptiousNut - I'm sure in my email I told you my price point was $2,500.

KnuckleHead - Well, you're never going to find a 2 bedroom for $2,500....maybe a studio...

CaptiousNut - Okay. It's December 26th, right? And you're not rented, right?

KnuckleHead - Yeah.

CaptiousNut - How about considering that YOU'RE NEVER GOING TO RENT YOUR CONDO, for January, for $3,200?

What pissed me off as much as his demonstrable stupidly was the fact that HE CALLED ME. The whole point of my emailed bid was to avoid conversations like that.

Then I had another one right after him. It was some woman who wouldn't answer any of my questions "Internet?" and "What price?" over email. She's just like my MIL. They do this so they can *screen* people over the phone. Whatever. I took her call and eventually she got around to telling me how much she wanted for her 2 BR condo on Key Biscayne:

DumbRealEstateWoman - It's $4,000 for the month.

CaptiousNut - Well, I'm looking to spend only $2,500 a month....my wife has me on a budget. (laughing)

DumbRealEstateWoman - It's *the season*. That's what it costs.

CaptiousNut - But the place is unrented still for January, right? It's December 26th...

DumbRealEstateWoman - I have two other people that are very interested. One is just about to take it.

CaptiousNut - So it sounds like you're all set then. You don't need me. (I'm trying to get off the phone)

DumbRealEstateWoman - Listen, I'm in the real estate business. It's THE SEASON. $4,000 is the going rate...

CaptiousNut - But you're not rented right? (still trying to hang up)

DumbRealEstateWoman - I'm a broker. I've been in real estate for 17 years.

CaptiousNut - So what? I've been in the real estate business for many years also. (slight embellishment!)

CaptiousNut - Look, keep my number and if you change your mind call me back. My price is $2,500. Thanks.

These fools would rather be unrented than step down in price!!!

The thing is, any deal they give a last-minute lowballer like myself would COST THEM NOTHING. It'd be a 100% private transaction. They could still hold out for their fantasy rates going forward.

For point of reference, 2 years ago I paid $2,200 for a typical 2 BR condo in Naples for the month of January - another last-minute, lowball situation.

Now Miami is more expensive than Naples, by a little, and I could very easily pay the *going rate* for a month down there.

But I always have my price points and I stick to them. Heck, an extra $1,000 is 5 days at Disney or a new computer for my Princess. Or new golf clubs for me!

A month in Miami is surely worth 4k but I can't pay it, not on December 28th, to one of these buffoons, on principle alone!

I'll talk more about this process as it unfolds.

Right now I'm going to try to get some rest.

¡Bienvenidos A Miami!

Recall that two years ago I was the youngest snowbird in Naples, pulling off the entire month of January there.

Then last year, I had the red light up for wintering in Florida due to trading losses and an uncertain living condition, then I had the go-ahead and was all geeked up, only to have my (bleepin') landlord and his legal shenanigans quash my southerly aspirations anew.

My wife took a new job last spring and it turns out she has employees and an office that she can work out of in Miami. So all year long I've been geeked up yet again for another winter in Florida.

The whole time she's been warning me that January is a busy month for her and that we'd probably have to wait until February. I simply didn't want to hear it. As far as I'm concerned, January is the *hump* of winter that I need to get over; whereas February is a short month, one in which you can see the light at the end of the winter tunnel at least.

Then just last week my wife found out she has a week-long conference in Miami the second week of January. Since she has to be there anyway that sealed it, I'm green-lighted again - and it's only a month away!

But now I have to find a place in my budget, one that's close to downtown, big enough, furnished, and ideally has internet...

I think my kids will REALLY LIKE South Beach!

Why Did He Choose Miami?

Two days ago Bill Parcells was about to sign a contract to join the management of the Atlanta Falcons. Withing hours, he got an offer from the Miami Dolphins that was more *palatable* to him.

So I ask, why did he chose Miami - sporting a record of 1-13 this season - over nearby Atlanta?



Have you been to Miami? Well, it's hopping these days. There are plenty of awesome restaurants on South Beach. I love it down there and back before I had two kids, Miami was pretty high on my list of places I'd like to move to.

Look at Coach Parcells' paunch above (back from his skinny working days) and tell me whether he decided with his head or his stomach.

Of course, if another Bill, say Bill Clinton made such a choice, my omniscience would be blaming an organ other than the stomach.

Back to Parcells. He seems to me one of these guys that simply doesn't know when to hang it up. By his past standards, he essentially failed coaching/managing the NY Jets and then again coaching the Dallas Cowboys. One more unprofitable tenure in Miami and it'll palpably diminish his prior accomplishments.

He'll sort of resemble the last bigwig who also came via Dallas to save the Dolphins - Jimmy Johnson.



Speaking of saving ocean mammals. Pathetically, my blog gets the most hits these days from juveniles downloading this pic which I linked to in an old post.