Last Minute Gift Ideas For HER

Last year, Lindsay Demma Gibson was thrilled to find a stocking and, under the tree, several carefully wrapped gifts from her husband Christmas morning.

That is, until she opened them.

Ms. Gibson, an elementary-school teacher, had been hoping for her favorite perfume, new boots or a nice purse.

Instead, her husband gave her golf gloves, a golf skirt and a golf shirt with a country-club logo on it—even though she rarely hits the links. He also presented her with a heating pad, Listerine breath strips and generic nasal strips to prevent snoring.

Tom Valentino, who grew up in a large Italian-American family, blames his upbringing. In his parents' house, Christmas was all about religious values—and food. Gifts were an afterthought.

Flash ahead a few decades, when Mr. Valentino, an accountant, had to pick out a holiday gift for his wife. "I started to think, well, we have three kids already, so no need for anything from Victoria's Secret," he says. "And I bought her a fancy watch last year for her birthday. How many of those does she need?"

Then he remembered his wife had said she needed a vacuum and a bigger pasta pot. Off to Macy's he went. "I could almost smell the sauce cooking with meatballs, sausage and braciole," he says. "How could a woman not be happy with these?"

He found out, because the gifts made his wife cry. "The worst part of it all were the looks the kids gave me," says Mr. Valentino, 52, who lives in Cheshire, Conn. "It's been about 15 years, and I can't tell you how many times I've been reminded of those gifts."

Those harrowing excerpts are from here.

Believe me. When women say, they don't want *anything* for Christmas/Kwanzaa...

They are lying!

Normally I charge $300 per hour for my sage *gift consultation*....but here are a few valuable(!), free suggestions:

1 - Pole Dancing Classes

2 - Books

3 - Clothes

The trendy knee pads are for scrubbing the floor, pervert!

4 - Exercise Feedback Gadgets

5 - Kettlebells

I got my wife one for Valentine's Day last year!

All these gifts are GUARANTEED to bring a tear(s) to her eye!

Stick with my suggestions.

*Lingerie* will get a Moron in trouble. As will a new *iron*.

And don't buy a new *vacuum* either or the wife might think you have an eye for the undocumented cleaning lady - since she's the one who actually USES it.

Arlington Christmas

While I'm certainly no flack for Big Military and these types of *forwards* often march as propaganda...

Still this is pretty cool:

Readers may be interested to know that these wreaths -- some 5,000 -- are donated by the Worcester Wreath Co. of Harrington, Maine . The owner, Merrill Worcester, not only provides the wreaths, but covers the trucking expense as well. He's done this since 1992. A wonderful guy. Also, most years, groups of Maine school kids combine an educational trip to DC with this event to help out. Making this even more remarkable is the fact that Harrington is in one of the poorest parts of the state.

Christmas Cheer, For Heathens Too

Someone's Cranky...

This is going viral at the moment:

I think it was a computer monitor.

Whatever. There's padding in there, right?

And for all we know, the recipient might well be a deserving $*&#-head.

Have you seen the baggage handlers at the airport toss/slam the luggage all over the place - particularly when THROWING it on the belt?

On a related topic, I have noticed that much of what comes from Amazon, particularly the *books* show up with small damage - rips and whatnot.

Whatever. It's still worth it.

Amazon Prime makes me almost feel like a king.

Pre-Oinking Advice

Just a quick reminder...

Y'all realize that you are most likely going to consume small mountains of food and rivers of alcohol this upcoming Christmas weekend.

Obviously there's no avoiding it. Inlaws and outlaws are intolerable without such medication!

I'm working out vigorously every morning this week in preparation thereof. I'll still oink, but this should take the teeth out of the calories/cellulite.

Pranking Spoiled Brats

My son was laughing at first...

Then I asked him to send it to one of his friends.

But he wouldn't - said this video was *mean*.

A Brooklyn Jabroni Christmas

This is well-done, and not much of a theatrical distortion either - for those of us familiar with Brooklyn (and South Philly).

Click the hyperlink above, Morons.

De-Comercializing Christmas - Giving A Thoughtful Nothing

My wife was whining about having to buy her staff Christmas presents this year. Thankfully she no longer has 42 wage slaves underneath her! I think it's down to 6 or 7.

A bottle of champagne? Well Vueve Cliquot is $45 a bottle now. I recall not long ago when it was only $30!

Like a good life partner I'm always encouraging her to *not spend* in every department. Did y'all read that famous book - which asserts wealthy people are incredibly cheap but their spouses are EVEN FAR MORE stingy?

My wife started Googling and came up with giving them all *2 days paid vacation*.

Hah! What a terrible gift!

CaptiousSpouse - That's sort of like when I haven't bought you anything for one of the 5 freakin' days EACH YEAR THAT I HAVE TO....it's like giving you coupon for one free 4-minute massage...

While definitely still wage slaves, they are salaried and will have to get their work done no matter what. Days off are meaningless; Blackberries come with wherever. Plus it costs the boss nothing to give - especially since the employer is a large corporation.

CaptiousSpouse - If you are going to that, you may as well just tell them you made a donation in their names to the Human Fund!

Pooped From Paganized Christmas Festivities

I just got home today from 4 days at my parents' place in arctic Massachusetts.

I was met by 2 feet of snow in my driveway that needed to be shoveled.

That was on top of the 12 inches I had to help remove from my parents' house; AND I also helped shovel out my BIL's cars in Connecticut this afternoon. He had thrown out his back.

1.5 weeks ago I picked up my brother at the airport and since then it's been non-stop eating, drinking, entertaining, shopping, wrapping, unwrapping, and driving all over the place.

To say that my *productivity* suffered is to put it mildly. And I'm freakin' exhausted.

I'm supposed to be on the road to Miami now except that I haven't been able to secure a place to my liking as of yet. Of course there are tons of places to rent down there - given the imploding economy and the *overdevelopment* - except that these condo owners mortgagers are too Moronic to consider reality-based bids.

For example:

I emailed some guy - actually a bunch - with my standard questions, "Do you have internet?" and "If you would consider $2,500 for the month of January, please let me know."

The knuckle-head CALLS me back:

CaptiousNut - Wait, I've contacted a lot of people. How much are you looking for?

KnuckleHead - It's $3,200 for January.

CaptiousNut - I'm sure in my email I told you my price point was $2,500.

KnuckleHead - Well, you're never going to find a 2 bedroom for $2,500....maybe a studio...

CaptiousNut - Okay. It's December 26th, right? And you're not rented, right?

KnuckleHead - Yeah.

CaptiousNut - How about considering that YOU'RE NEVER GOING TO RENT YOUR CONDO, for January, for $3,200?

What pissed me off as much as his demonstrable stupidly was the fact that HE CALLED ME. The whole point of my emailed bid was to avoid conversations like that.

Then I had another one right after him. It was some woman who wouldn't answer any of my questions "Internet?" and "What price?" over email. She's just like my MIL. They do this so they can *screen* people over the phone. Whatever. I took her call and eventually she got around to telling me how much she wanted for her 2 BR condo on Key Biscayne:

DumbRealEstateWoman - It's $4,000 for the month.

CaptiousNut - Well, I'm looking to spend only $2,500 a month....my wife has me on a budget. (laughing)

DumbRealEstateWoman - It's *the season*. That's what it costs.

CaptiousNut - But the place is unrented still for January, right? It's December 26th...

DumbRealEstateWoman - I have two other people that are very interested. One is just about to take it.

CaptiousNut - So it sounds like you're all set then. You don't need me. (I'm trying to get off the phone)

DumbRealEstateWoman - Listen, I'm in the real estate business. It's THE SEASON. $4,000 is the going rate...

CaptiousNut - But you're not rented right? (still trying to hang up)

DumbRealEstateWoman - I'm a broker. I've been in real estate for 17 years.

CaptiousNut - So what? I've been in the real estate business for many years also. (slight embellishment!)

CaptiousNut - Look, keep my number and if you change your mind call me back. My price is $2,500. Thanks.

These fools would rather be unrented than step down in price!!!

The thing is, any deal they give a last-minute lowballer like myself would COST THEM NOTHING. It'd be a 100% private transaction. They could still hold out for their fantasy rates going forward.

For point of reference, 2 years ago I paid $2,200 for a typical 2 BR condo in Naples for the month of January - another last-minute, lowball situation.

Now Miami is more expensive than Naples, by a little, and I could very easily pay the *going rate* for a month down there.

But I always have my price points and I stick to them. Heck, an extra $1,000 is 5 days at Disney or a new computer for my Princess. Or new golf clubs for me!

A month in Miami is surely worth 4k but I can't pay it, not on December 28th, to one of these buffoons, on principle alone!

I'll talk more about this process as it unfolds.

Right now I'm going to try to get some rest.

Don't Ask....She'll Cry And You Might Be Abetting Murder

I've Marginalized a lot of people over the years on this blog.

But one sub-population that I've forgotten to indict consists of those - mostly women - who run up to my wife and ask her what I gave her for Christmas, Valentine's Day, Mother's Day, our anniversary, or her birthday.

The fact that I usually bought her next-to-nothing is between me and her. So please don't throw gasoline on the fire. Thanks. It's not my fault she's impossible to buy for and has ZERO hobbies.

One of the differences between us is that when I say I don't want anything for (fill in the blank holiday) I ACTUALLY MEAN IT.

One of the numerous side benefits of reading the Bible and becoming more spiritual is that I can skimp on gifts even more now, deprecating the rank commercialization of Jesus' birthday.

I don't believe in indiscriminate season's greetings.

So Merry Christmas to SOME of y'all out there.

Santa Subterfuge

You can go here and have Santa send your spoiled kids a call or an email.

My parents used to threaten to call Santa on the phone. And they even convincingly went over to it and simulated(?) the communication after a defiance of their inhumane rules. Once, I vividly recall, it was either the 23rd or the 24th, my mother did this after some exasperating misbehavior and my brother and I were drowning in tears - pleading for her to end the phone call. That Christmas we got all *clothes*.

All week I've been telling my kids not to *pout* and whatnot because Santa was watching them. But my threats have been to *email* a bad report to Santa.

Prince - Santa's not on email!

Princess - Santa doesn't have email!

CaptiousDad - Yes he does. And he's on Facebook too!

All it took was one Google. Late last night my wife found that site above and had that fat luddite Santa Claus email this kids this morning.

Loving Cutthroat Low-Margin Retail

One just has to love Amazon.com.

A minute ago I ordered a Sony digital picture frame for my first wife. Guess what, one-day shipping was FREE - a $24 value. Procrastinators rejoice!

And, of course, I ordered it through my son's affiliate links so I'll be sort of reaping a 6.50% discount as well.

They say Amazon's profit margins are a razor-thin 3.15%.

Look for them in the not-too-distant future to cut affiliate commission payouts AND to raise the bar above $25 for free shipping. The latter they have to do with oil pushing higher.  This won't be problematic at all on account of scant competition.

How can any brick-and-mortar retailer compete with cheaper and doorstep-delivered?

No Comment!

Other than...

Well, I just can't imagine who needs to buy a flat-screen, LCD, LED, or plasma color TV today.

I thought EVERYONE already had one or more(!) - except the C-Nut household.

Yeah, this image tees up a few more comments....which I'll defer to those with lower coefficients of charity.

Drive-By Hurl?

From Ukraine With Dollars

As I mentioned before, a distant relative came over from Ukraine to visit our family this Christmas. His father and my mother's father were first cousins. So I believe that makes he and my mother *third cousins*, although Wikipedia disagrees. Whatever. I googled this question extensively and the answer came back split. Some think the relation is instead a *second cousin*, while others think it a *cousin [once/twice] removed*.

Again, whatever. I'll just call this 49 year old guy my 4th cousin and leave it at that. He's far enough off that I could have safely married his daughter! ↑

Anyways, here's a somewhat funny story. Let's just call my cousin - Vladimir.

Vladimir's obviously closest to my 96 year old grandfather, again the cousin of his father.

Some years ago, say 15, my grandfather was overseas and saw Vladimir who was, with his wife, trying to get a wedding dress business off the ground in Ukraine. When my grandfather left, he gave him a dress to bring back to America and asked if he could try to *sell it for him*. My grandfather took it and, well, never got around to peddling it. Hustling is not the sort of thing 80 year old men do, now is it?

Then last year, my brother set sail for Ukraine will full knowledge he would be near distant relative Vladimir. Feeling guilt-ridden for never have tried to sell the wedding dress from nearly 15 years ago, my then 95 year old grandfather tried to stuff some money in my brother's shirt pocket - money to give Vladimir for the neglected dress. "Just tell him I sold it," or something was what he wanted my brother to communicate, I believe.

One just has to marvel the integrity of my 'ancient coot' grandfather. At his advanced age, not only does he still bowl weekly, completely take care of himself, battle his skin cancer with his herbal remedies, play chess "as good as ever", and cope with the recent loss of his wife, my dear grandmother....no he still has the thoughtfulness and ego to worry about not selling a dress that was thrust upon him several years ago!

But a lot can and does usually change in 15 years.

It turns out, my fourth cousin Vladimir's wedding dress business took off. He sells internationally, has showrooms in Los Angeles and Paris, and now employs 200 people in his company. So it suffices to say he doesn't need those two c-notes my grandfather was trying to send him last year!

BTW, in addition to being a successful entrepreneur, my cousin also sings, plays instruments, and very much enjoys drawing. The more I think about it and look for it, the more I see the stealthy importance of the creative arts. There's more on that perspective scattered among my homeschooling posts.

[The title of this post is, of course, a play on 007.]

Squeezing Into The Mass Culture

After lambasting the entire category in - Chicks Are Sheep! - on the advice of the female commenters on that post I went out and bought a pair of Lululemon yoga pants for my wife.

They cost $98! And a *yoga towel* from that same store went for an outrageous $55!

That was her Christmas present - even though I've been expressly told never to buy her *workout clothes*, EVER AGAIN, repeatedly to boot.

You see, Mrs. C-Nut is impossible to buy for. Jewelry never worked, clothes seldom were acceptable, she has no real *hobbies*, and I've given her that thoughtful cash-this-coupon-in-for-a-free-massage homemade card more times than I could count over the past eternity eleven years. She seemed to sour on the latter when I started putting conditions and dates of expiry in fine print. See what I mean about how particular she is?

I fit the same profile in the sense that I too am extremely difficult to shop for. But the difference is, when I say *don't buy me anything*....I freakin' mean it!

For an informative and humorous article on the Lululemon juggernaut - click here.

I see now that Lululemon actually has a brassiere called the Ta Ta Tamer!

Christmas - Commercial Comments

For those of you unaware, Bananagrams is the hottest new game out there today. It's a much better version of Scrabble because it obviates Scrabble's biggest weaknesses: a stale board, the luck of double and triple word squares, the tedium of being stuck with bad tiles, and the agony of waiting one's turn.

I made my wife buy it for me, and the homeschooled kids. Though admittedly it's currently a bit advanced for them.

The only downside to Bananagrams is, well, its history. Some knucklehead *invented* this simple little game amd is reaping millions!

Nathanson, who sank $50,000 of his own money into launching the game, attributes its runaway success to four factors: the catchy name, clever packaging, how much fun it is to play, and the family history behind it. Rena Nathanson, Abe’s daughter, who has been instrumental both in refining the game and bringing it to market, adds a fifth and sixth: modest cost (about $15 ) and portability.

"The price is magic," Nathanson agrees. "It’s a game that practically sells itself, which is why it makes no sense to discount it. That’s a stupid, greedy American mindset I don’t agree with."

Discounting = greedy???

Like I said, he's a KNUCKLEHEAD!



At the bookstore the other day, I purchased Drawing With Children - a book I had seen highly recommended in a homeschooling magazine.

I've only read the first 15 pages or so of it, but so far I'm VERY IMPRESSED.

Flashback....here's what I sensed and wrote about *drawing* in - Art From My Butt:

One thing that appeals to me about these *lessons* is that teaching kids to draw is progressive - not at all unlike going from the alphabet to composition or from finger counting to combinations and permutations. They really just need to learn the building blocks, practice a bit, and accept nudges from sagacious adults.

Reading the opening of this book only confirmed my hunch. Drawing IS progressive; there are fundamential building blocks; it cultivates creativity; etc.

Check out the reviews on Amazon if you're interested.

Essentially, I've quickly come to see art as one of the many essential subjects abused by government schools and the like (i.e. most private schools). So it's surely going to be paramount in our homeschooling going forward.

Build-A-Moron

The following video is from Build-A-Bear's website, a teddy bear company. Skip to the 1:00 minute mark:



Now it's bad enough that people have transformed Christmas into a completely secular holiday.

But it's even worse to dilute it into agitprop!

There's plenty more discussion here.

Thanks a bunch to Kfell for this one.

See also - Earth Day Agitprop Versus Me = No Contest.

Green Santa

Saw these two *toys* at REI today - one of those stores for crunchy, Cambridge, Massachusetts trust-funders:





Hah! My son already knows about *renewable wind power*....I usually make him pull my finger.

If these eco-pagan gifts are a little too advanced for your target, then allow me to recommend that $60 Thomas The Tank recycling center.

BTW, I've resolved to devastate planet Earth; yesterday, I went out and bought everyone left on my list a digital picture frame!

[Not for anything....but that *wind power* toy was an ingenious invention. Probably won't take much for government school science departments to all add it to their core curricula!]

The Precious Gift Of Sanctimony

One of my wife's *train acquaintances* asked her if she had any ideas on what he could get his wife for Christmas.

From the seat of her pants, Mrs. C-Nut's suggested a digital picture frame...

Dude - I could never do that because our daughter would give us too much flak for constantly using electricity.

Of course it's easy to mock this feeble-minded, Moronic young lady (and even perhaps her invertebrate father!)...

But really we should pity her!

This anecdote reminded me of a couple others.

One, of my buddy whose neighbor is *against* gas-powered lawnmowers. (Can't find my previous post on it.) Instead, I believe he uses one of those old-fangled *push mowers*.

And two, those knuckleheads that worry about how much electricity cell phone chargers burn.