More From The Bizarro World Of Dog People

I have to reproduce this article in its entirety here, because, well, read it and you'll see:

MANCHESTER – Adam Lamotte, a Manchester man who turned himself in to police yesterday for shooting his dog, says he "made a terrible mistake" when he decided to euthanize the animal himself instead of taking him to a vet.

Lamotte, 39, is charged with one felony count of animal cruelty, which carries a possible sentence of 3 1/2 to seven years in prison, according to Auburn police. Lamotte's 5-year-old pit bull, Buster, was found Thursday afternoon, tied to a tree and dying from gunshot wounds in a wooded area off the Route 28 bypass in Auburn.

Lamotte was released on $5,000 personal recognizance bail. An arraignment is scheduled in Candia District Court on April 7.

Lamotte, who works in maintenance, yesterday said the tan and white dog he'd raised from a pup was "the greatest dog in the world."

Buster always slept in bed with Lamotte and his wife. "He had to be covered up and everything or he'd whine," he said. "He was a big baby."

But about a year ago, Buster started going after family members when they started to leave the house. "He would basically attack us, try to grab our ankles or our hands or whatever," he said. "We had to lock him in a room if we knew somebody was leaving."

About a month ago, Buster bit Lamotte's wrist, sending him to the emergency room for stitches. He brought the dog to a vet, who diagnosed the animal with separation anxiety, and put him on the anti-anxiety medication Clomicalm.

A few nights ago, Lamotte said, Buster went after Lamotte's 17-year-old son, tearing his pant leg off. Lamotte said he worried what would happen if the dog went after his 10-year-old daughter. "I couldn't take that chance."

He decided to put Buster down himself. The 78-pound dog was afraid of veterinarians, Lamotte said. "And, I don't know, in my warped thinking, I thought I was doing the right thing."

"It sounds absurd but somehow it was better, me doing it."

Around 8:30 p.m. Wednesday, Lamotte said, he took Buster to the trails on Manchester Water Works property, a favorite spot for the two of them, and let him run for a while off-leash.

Then he called the dog to him and shot him in the head with a handgun. But Buster didn't die. "He didn't make a sound. He just looked at me," he said. "It was terrible."

He fired the gun two more times but isn't sure whether he hit the dog. "I've never shot anything in my life."

Then, he said, "I just panicked."

"I didn't know what to do. I tied him to a tree and left."

Lamotte said he believed Buster was dying when he left him.

Early yesterday morning, Lamotte went to a drugstore for coffee and the newspaper and saw his dead dog's photo on the front page of The New Hampshire Union Leader. And he learned that the dog had lived through the night, tied to the tree, and had to be put down by the Auburn animal control officer.

"That was horrible. I can't even describe it," he said.

Lamotte called Auburn police and turned himself in.

He also had to face telling his wife what he'd done; he had told the family he had taken Buster to a vet to be euthanized. He still hasn't told his three kids the truth.

Lamotte called what he did "the biggest regret of my life."

"I should have went to the vet and just had him euthanized," he said.

"I wasn't trying to be cruel to my dog. I know that doesn't make any sense, but it's true. I wasn't trying to leave him tied to a tree all night. That wasn't what I set out to do."

"He's my dog. And we loved him."

It's just got to be a three-way toss-up as to this story's most INSANE element:

1) The fact that a guy could face time for euthanizing a demonstrably vicious and dangerous beast.

2) That, had he NOT put it down, he could well have been facing prison the next time it bit someone.

3) Or is this guy himself, the laughing stock of the story? He slept with the dog, loved it, got mauled by it, couldn't kill it with a gun, AND is palpably guilt-ridden over the whole ordeal!!!

Much thanks to Kfell for this cornucopia of laughs.

As always, click here for my master link of deranged dog people.

Doggone Humor

So today a local *mom* was lamenting to me the burden of her new 65 pound St. Bernard - that she couldn't travel far without making arrangements, feeding it, shedding, etc.

So I blithely and thoughtfully suggested...

C-Nut - You know what? You should put it down!

At that her face went blank, and she frantically paused to assess the depth of my seriousness. This *mom* is a very nice lady so I cracked a smile to spare her the burden of my obliqueness.

I've used it a several times now - this *why don't you put it down?* or *you didn't put it down yet?* suggestion - and I have almost always received a *better than expected* reaction. It's got a pretty secure place now in my portable, recyclable, and formidable(!) arsenal of humor.

Dog people are mortified that one would suggest such a thing. My golfing buddy responded with "d*ckhead" in about a tenth of a nanosecond flat when I targeted his *Muffy* or whatever its name is!

The idea of putting down a beloved pet is simply absurd in pet-lovers' eyes.



Of course, aliens might objectively think humans ABSURD for their deranged pet worship!

Dog eulogies???

Apparently there's much on dog eulogy poems as well.

And much on this blog on Deranged Dog People!

While The Others Were In School, Learning Nothing...

We were in fact the only ones there sledding today at 1pm.

It was quite fun, except for a frightful beginning.

The park is on the border of Weymouth and Hingham in Massachusetts.

And....it's a *dog park*.

While we were heading in, we had to walk a few hundred yards to get to the hill. A woman was descending with her sloshing dog. I couldn't see what it was, but it was definitely all fired up. As it got closer, it picked up speed and headed right for us. My son, the 5.08 year-old Prince, was languishing about 30 yards behind me. As the dog sprinted past me and my daughter, I could see that it was a pit bull type or something.

I hollered at the lady, "Is that a pit bull?" and she didn't answer. She called the dog faintly and yelled, "It won't do anything" as it accelerated, full-speed straight for my son.

It went past all 35 lbs of my son, then turned around and buzzed right next to him three more times. My heart was racing and I tried to calmly ask the woman to get her dog away. She did next to nothing except say "he won't do anything", yet again. Finally, as eternity mercifully came to pass, she and her dog had made it beyond my waddling son.

Then she screamed, "Yes, it is a pit bull! THIS IS A DOG PARK!!!"

But what the eff did I do?

I was too relieved at the ordeal being over to process the fact that she was a complete POS and deserved some sort of retribution for her callousness.

Yeah, it was a *dog park*, but still, the signs say they have to be leashed and scooped - subject to a $200 fine. "Should I have called the cops for the second time this month?", I wondered.

I relayed this episode later this afternoon to some guy, a crazed libertarian type.

He strongly recommended that in this world I....always carry a gun.

I'm not too crazy about that idea, but his point is not to be taken lightly. Only a genuine Moron would depend on government agents to protect themself.

BTW, the sledding was quite fun!

Though tomorrow we're heading somewhere else.

Realize that this is at least the third such incident I've had with my kids and Deranged Dog People at parks. And I believe I had additional one at a beach.

There are only three things on this overheated planet that I'm afraid of:

• The ocean, some aspects of it anyway.
• North Philadelphia, on the first warm spring day.
• And pit bulls.

Click here for my *dog people* link.

Holiday Time For Self-Unconscious Dog Morons

Friday was apparently *Take Your Dog To Work Day*. Who knew?

Boston Globe picture gallery here.

Strike 1 - Is actually owning a dog. That's right, all of y'all!

Strike 2 - Knowing about the holiday AND taking your mutt into your wage slavery post.

Strike 3 - Taking a picture of an animal at your desk, signing your legal name, AND then submitting it for worldwide dissemination on the internet!



Almost, almost unbelievably....there were at least fifty(!) such submissions to the Boston Globe on Friday.

Click here for my copious treatment of *deranged dog people*.

Provoked Crankiness

So the other day I had it out with a deranged woman over her dog. I came extremely close to calling the police.

You see, at the playground where I take my kids daily, there're always piles of dog poop. And everyday, I'm there scrounging for a stick to flick the logs *out of bounds*. Otherwise, one of my kids will surely step (or fall!) in it.

On Tuesday, I espied a rather non-skinny woman letting her dog run loose there. It was raining so playing kids were scarce. The mutt had no leash on and I witnessed it defecate on the grass. The owner did nothing. There was no *bag in hand* - no movement to assess - no nothing. Clearly, based on the size of the dog it had to be the serial culprit!

So I started walking over to her, hollering, "Do you have your dog crap on this grass here everyday?"

She responded in the negative and her mongrel actually charged me with advertised teeth. It's amazing how well canines can accurately sense hostility.

The next day, sure enough, she was back with the dog. I must have walked toward the phone and turned around 3 times. I wussed out on my promise to call the cops on her unleashed, unscooped pooper.

Note the warm weather is now here and soon enough I won't be able to flick the *softies*. A showdown is imminent and it will be blogged.

I've written a bunch on *deranged dog people* - click here to find most of it.

Deranged Dog Riches

Was in a mall pet store the other day passing time with my kids. There were four employees standing there each with a different puppy in their hands. Of course they wanted customers to hold and pet them.

I asked how much the golden was, "$1,309," the dude responded.

A bit later I asked how many puppies they sold there:

"Twenty to thirty per week,...."

"Wow! And they're all over a thousand bucks, right?", I inquired.

"Well over a thousand."

Boy do I wish I was on the other side of this business. They are selling $100,000 of puppies alone each month. Even after paying the clerks, the overhead, and for the puppies they must be making a killing. (And I'm sure they make a boatload on the birds too.)

I wish I knew the definitive list of lucrative business models when I was much younger and had wide open career options.

Instead, I was at an expensive Ivy League university learning about C+I+G+X-M and other useless sophistry.

Deranged Dog-Loving Taxpayers

That's by far, the most popular referendum sign in my neighborhood this election. I had no idea what *question 3* was but was compelled to research it once I read "vote for the dogs" on it.

The question has something to do with the humane treatment of canines at Massachusetts racetracks. Apparently, the greyhounds - much like most of us - don't have enough living space. Read protectdogs.org if you're interested in the details.



Now, I wasn't even going to bother voting this year but had a change of heart. You see, there are two questions on the Massachusetts ballot that I just have to vote on.

Enough *yes* votes on Question 1, and the Massachusetts state income tax will be eliminated.

THAT, is a biggie.

And I believe that there's another question that would reduce the state sales tax. I just spent 15 frustrating minutes trying to find the referendum questions online and have decided to quit. I couldn't even find them on the Boston Globe website - but I did readily find Question 1 agitprop:



The binding referendum, when fully phased in, would cut taxes by $12.6 billion per year, which amounts to just under 40 percent of the state budget and nearly 60 percent of tax revenue (the budget is also funded by federal revenue and fees). The state budget is how we spend our tax dollars -- on education, health care, environmental protection, public safety, and other public services. (link)

And note the next sentence:

How would you choose to balance the state budget if we lost $12.6 billion in state revenue?

Who is "WE"? There you have it, the Boston Globe speaking on the side of socialists AND in the *first person*.

Apparently the real WE, us, will only *lose*, services and whatnot. The governor is threatening a loss of "snow plowing"; I've heard women talk about "losing public parks"; etc.

Apparently, we'll only lose goodies. We won't lose any government waste. We won't gain any efficiencies. We won't be re-claiming any of our own hard-earned money.

Well, for sure, the staff at the Boston Globe will lose ideologically if Question 1 is victorious - although LOSING is something they are well-practiced in these days. Bob Ryan and his fellow crony-o-saurs been losing money, losing advertising, losing subscribers....for God knows how long now. Today, after another horrible earnings announcement, their parent company The New York Times had its debt reduced to junk status!



We've come a long way from that revolutionary tax rebellion, the Boston Tea Party to what we've had for so long, the Boston Kool Aid Party.

All I am going to do for the foreseeable future is interrogate fellow Massholes about how they voted on Question 1. I will hector the sh*t out of anyone who votes against the income tax repeal - especially if it doesn't pass.

Canine Idolatry

Perusing the calendar for my town's *Recreation Center* I came across this:

Pooch Parties

Wednesday October 29th 7:30-9:00 PM 1 Night $30
Halloween Pooch Party-Events include: bobbing for tennis balls, best costume contest, beginners agility and of course tricks for treats

Wednesday November 19th 7:00-8:30 PM 1 Night $30
Thanksgiving Gobble Doggie Social-Events include, off leash playgroup, obedience command obstacle course, bar jump contests and musical doggie tunnels

Wednesday October 29th 7:00-8:30 PM 1 Night $30
Doggy Obstacle Course Night-Learn basic dog agility obstacles & run a course with your dog.

Wednesday December 17th 7:00-8:30 PM 1 Night $30
Jingle Bell Bark Holiday Party-Events include: canine contests (waggiest tail, best trick, dog owner look-a-like, best holiday outfit), agility games



There are three more events listed for canine idolators bringing the grand total to seven.

Meanwhile, there are only eleven scheduled items for the HUMAN CHILDREN of local property taxpayers!!!

The waggiest tail contest?

Are you sh*itting me???!!!

To read all my blogging on Deranged Dog People, click here.

More Deranged Dog People

Today is National Take Your Dog To Work Day - I kid you not!

This link will show you all my posts on this inane subject.

At least make sure you read my initial post Deranged Dog People if you haven't already.

My Deranged Dog Friend

Last night I got in touch with a college buddy of mine whom I don't see often due to geographical reasons. Here was our conversation:

CaptiousNut - Yo, what's up? What have you been up to?

DerangedFriend - Well, we drove down to North Carolina to buy a dog. (from Baltimore).

CaptiousNut - So, I guess you guys aren't going to have kids for a while? (married one year ago)

DerangedFriend - Ah, well my wife wanted a dog. She's home all day in the summer. You didn't even ask what kind we got.

[On only the third guess I nailed it - a Great Dane]

CaptiousNut - So I guess you got a big back yard, no? (they recently bought a new "house")

DerangedFriend - Yeah we do, it's 10 by 10.

CaptiousNut - That's cruel. You can't put a big dog in a small yard like that.

DerangedFriend - Well, we'll walk him and take him to the dog park. (mostly frequented by prophylactating yuppies)
.
.
.
.
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CaptiousNut - You guys should come up to Boston to visit us this summer. We essentially live right on the beach; it's only 1.5 miles down the street. We have plenty of space.

[We talked about him coming up for a full five minutes. He was pretty excited about doing so, then...]

DerangedFriend - Oh wait, I guess with the puppy, it kind of complicates things.

[His tone became despondent.]

CaptiousNut - Ah well, didn't you THINK about trade-offs like this before you committed to a DOG.

DerangedFriend - Er, ah, mmm, well my wife really wanted one. (can you say 'emasculation'?)

CaptiousNut - That's it, your going on my Deranged Dog People post!



Pictured above is the dog park in DUMBO - just north of Brooklyn Heights. I was always amazed walking by that thing and seeing dozens of dogs, particularly large ones. Six hundred square feet would be considered a large apartment in that area. I found it cruel that so many self-centered yuppies in this area incarcerated large dogs in their closet-sized apartments all day.

These yuppies can't simply get a more sensible poodle or a mature dog from the animal shelter. No, they have to go spend $1,000 (or more) and buy a purebred Great Dane, German Sheppard, or Labrador puppy. They just HAVE TO put the exclamation point on their DERANGEMENT!

Without passing judgment on these people (because I would NEVER do that to any sub-population), about 80% of the people I know who've gotten dogs have either deferred marriage or deferred procreation - at least longer than their peers. What could be worse than being a walking, reflexive stereotype?

Oops...judgment revoked.

Sugar Plums For Your Dog?

The other day I saw this sign outside of a local shopping mall. Please excuse the poor pic.

So who would take their dog to sit on Santa's lap?

It turns out I happened to be there yesterday afternoon with my camera. It was quite the madhouse, er doghouse.



I didn't capture it but to the left was a line 20 animals deep. It's one thing to worship your mutt in the privacy of your house, but to do so publicly?

I'll say it again, animal worship, much like Earth worship, is one giant deflection.

It's an attempt by the lonely, the bitter, and the family-less to fill their life with meaning.

Heck, who doesn't like to come home to a warm, unconditionally loving pet?



But, in this age of decadent wealth and anti-social individualism, too many people have gotten carried away.

See my old post Deranged Dog People.

Michael Vick - Vengeance is a Bitch...

...chewing you to pieces.

For those of you reading this in another generation, Michael Vick was the star quarterback for the Atlanta Falcons. Today he pled guilty to crimes concerning organized dog fighting. He may well do some time in jail.

He's sure to be mentioned in a future Deranged Dog People blog post.

Marginalizing Red Sox Fans

The Red Sox are religion in New England.

How many times have you heard that?

If you think that all it means is that the fans are passionate then you probably should stick to books beginning with "Once upon a time..."

Let's start with the religion accusation.

I mistakenly thought that the Red Sox 2004 World Series victory would end the lunacy that is Red Sox fanaticism. I was dead wrong. It's crazier than ever. Then again, only a Moron predicts rational behavior from the jokers up here.

Everywhere you go, at all times of the day, you will see Red Sox fans in their gear. Sure there are lots of Steelers shirts in Pittsburgh and whacked out cheeseheads in Wisconsin, but it's way worse here. People that shouldn't be draped in sports jerseys and caps, like adults and nubile women, see nothing wrong with going to church and out on the town in what I consider clown attire. I know football season is life for many Philadelphia Eagles fans as it is for many college football towns, but baseball drags on, EVERYDAY, for more than half the year. It's an eternity if you count spring training and the playoffs.

A year or two ago I was at the Ninety-Nine Restaurant in Charlestown, Mass. On an April Friday afternoon, my buddy asked the bartender to change one of the numerous televisions to the Masters. Some locals across the bar went absolutely bonkers - almost to the point of belligerence - because we wanted to see Tiger Woods and Phil Mickelson compete in a major over a meaningless Red Sox spring training game. (Of course Charlestown is an interesting little place; it's a 50-50 clash of small dog toting yuppies and grizzled old townies.)

I can't scientifically prove that Sox fans are crazier than ever though I will offer my anecdotal best. First of all, at $48 on average per seat, Fenway Park tickets are the most expensive in all of America; they are going on something like 400 straight sellouts. Secondly, I offer up three people I have known for a long time - including my father - who have gotten noticeably nuts over the Red Sox over the last few years. When I was a kid, my dad couldn't care less about "those bums". Now the game simply has to be on, either on the radio, or on the boob tube even if he's at someone else's place. The same applies to my other two acquaintances - for all the years I have known them, only recently have they become diehard Red Sox Idiots.



Last weekend I went to a family reunion to meet some distant cousins for the first time. They had a very nice barbeque going, a large pool, etc. Some of these cousins I didn't even get to meet as they were burrowed inside watching a worthless Red Sox game. Others were lingering in the pool house on this beautiful sunny day also staring at the game on TV. This is the theme throughout New England. If the Sox are playing, NESN is on in almost every house. We left that cookout to go to another celebrating my grandparents' 66th wedding anniversary. Of course the "game" was the centerpiece of that event when we arrived as well - that is until I turned it off and guilted everyone into socialization.

The sad thing is, the fans here actually brag about how passionate they are. Retired pitcher Bruce Hurst bolted out of Beantown years ago for the greener grass of the San Diego Padres. Later on he lamented that he missed the zeal of Boston fans. This is the type of propaganda talking point that makes Sox fans proud, is repeated endlessly among the booboisie and in the Boston Globe, and it is, quite frankly insane.

I see these 25 and 30 year old guys out at bars wearing their Manny Ramirez shirts and I really pity them. First of all, how stupid are these tools? Do you think the ladies will swoon with affection for a dude in an official MLB jersey? Hey Susie, look at that hottie there in the Johnny Damon shirt...What do you think, he's a successful entrepreneur with his own business or lives with his mom?

Can you imagine a studly John Travolta in Saturday Night Fever dancing in his mirror before the big Friday night out - wondering whether he looks better in his home or away Thurman Munson shirt?

I can't.

I once heard an inane discussion on sports radio about what the rules were, age-wise and whatnot, for wearing a team's shirt in public. Actually, I believe I heard this debate separately on both WFAN (New York) and WEEI (Boston). On one of the stations they concurred that "season ticket holders" have a freer rein to dress like a twelve year old boys than the rest of the fans.

Check out this 50 year-old LOSER that sat in front me at a Celtics-Lakers game last year. Nice shirt pal - it really shows off your triceps!



Listen up Red Sox fans, your impassioned pride IS NOT a cause for admiration, it is a badge of LOSERHOOD.

Here are a couple of more examples of Red Sox pagan worship that I mined from the web.

First up is a Jewish guy who decided to revisit his long since forgotten temple because one weekend it got to house the 2004 World Series Trophy. They had never allowed flash photography in the 'gog for Bar Mitzvahs or Rosh Hashanah but an exception was made for this pagan trophy. What priorities!

A Little Old Time Religion

I've heard the talk about the Red Sox being the true religion of New Englanders, and always thought the notion was a bit overblown. Until I saw the World Series trophy in my synagogue.

It was strange to see this sight in the place where I had my Bar Mitzvah service fifteen years ago. However, it gave me pause to consider that it took the presence of this item to bring me back to my synagogue for the first time in perhaps three years. Why is it, I wondered, that I was more inspired to go to temple by the World Series trophy than by the promise of spiritual nourishment? Am I lazy, or irredeemably secular? Or did I feel that I got something from the experience of following professional sports that I was not truly getting here? When I think of my Red Sox memories, they're not just about games watched; they're about experiences with friends and family, stretching back almost as far as I can remember.

Rabbi David Myer led the congregation—mainly families, most dressed in Red Sox garb of one sort or another—in a prayer of thanksgiving. As Rabbis are wont to do, he engaged in a short etymological discussion meant to illuminate a larger point. The word "religion," he explained, is derived from "ligament"...as in, the connective tissue that holds us together.

It made sense to put this most secular activity—professional sports—into the context of religious celebration. I had indeed felt a deep sense of connection with strangers at religious services, as I had in the stands of Fenway Park. In our society of increasingly alienated individuals, that kind of connection is profoundly valuable. But Dr. Charles Steinberg, the Red Sox vice president who has ushered the prized artifact around on its pilgrimage, had a more lofty agenda. He made the case for the World Series championship as a genuine miracle. Not a secular miracle, like the gold medal for hockey in the 1980 Olympics. An honest to goodness, old fashioned, Red Sea parting miracle.

Dr. Steinberg compared the Sox' eight consecutive postseason wins with the story of Hanukah, in which a day's worth of holy oil was said to illuminate the temple's flame for the eight days it took to bring in some more.

"If [the team] stopped believing, they would not have won Game Four [of the American League Championship Series versus the Yankees]," he said from the bimmer. "The candle would have gone out. The oil would have run out. But the miracle wound up lasting eight days. It could only have come from above."

Next up is another guy demonstrating the infectious nature of hope. He saw in the Red Sox's improbable championship, a divine omen that the world was morphing into utopia, i.e. that John Kerry would defeat President Bush in the 2004 election. This perhaps bears filing in the Hillary Homerun category.



Is the Supreme Being a Red Sox Loving Democrat?

Either way, from the standpoint of a Red Sox loving democrat, this impossible victory must be cause for hope. Because if the Boston Red Sox can beat the New York Yankees, after coming back from a three game deficit, in the seventh game of the American League pennant series, and win it in the house that Ruth built, then surely the democrats can beat the republicans, after coming back from a bad supreme court ruling, in the final weeks of this election campaign, and win it in the house the George stole.

No matter how you look at it – as either a sign from the Supreme Being or as powerful tale of hope against hope – it was a sign. I’m sure of it.

And the last example I gleaned in about two minutes of browsing was this - some nerd professor type arguing for the academic certification of baseball as a religion in America.

Curses and Catharsis in Red Sox Nation: Baseball and Ritual Violence in American Culture

In this essay I would like to revisit the legend of the Curse of the Bambino for the insights it can provide scholars of American religion on the allegedly religious dimension of baseball. The Winter 1996 issue of the Journal of the American Academy of Religion, which was devoted entirely to a discussion of religion and American popular culture, featured a now-widely-cited essay by David Chidester arguing for the inclusion of America’s favorite game in the academic study of religion.1 Chidester put forward a functionalist argument to advance the cause, echoing similar cases made years earlier by such notable scholars of religion as Catherine L. Albanese, Allen Guttmann, and Joseph L. Price.2 For these scholars, baseball exhibits a distinctive set of myths, rituals, and codes of behavior–the formal elements of “official” religions–that function to unite a community of participants/believers and orient them to an atemporal social and cosmic order.

Hah! "Myths, rituals, and codes of behavior..." and rabbis calling the win a "genuine miracle".

Okay now that I think I have sufficiently established my premise I want to scaffold up to my larger point. Consider the following quote:

Organized religion does not invent superstition, it checks it. (Will Durant)

Now bear in mind, generally speaking, organized religion does not exist up here in New England. Jews are less pious than elsewhere, Catholicism is a joke, if you remember I had godparents at my daughter's group Baptism wearing New England Patriots attire on the altar, and Protestantism also exists in its weakest form of anywhere in the country - congregations are so desperate for members that the gay friendly rainbow is on a lot of Protestant roadside signage. To boot, John Taylor Gatto has documented how Boston always had a vacant spiritual heritage - specifically, a disaffected Calvinism going back through the early 1800s. In his books he tells of a forlorn, childless culture that initiated mass compulsory schooling in a perverse effort to fill these voids.



Sure Fenway is an awesome ballpark and sure, the Curse of the Bambino was an intoxicating/nauseating legend. But I maintain that the real draw of being a Red Sox fan is that it provides a sense of meaning and purpose for an otherwise harried and irreligious populace. Reality can be stomached each day by checking the box scores and seeing that the Sox won last night and the Yankees lost...

Sports fanaticism is everywhere really about vicarious heroism and mental escapism. How many millions of fans go to bed each night dreaming about their team, potential trades, the unlimited prospects of their talented rookies? Ask yourself, when your career, marriage, and/or social life have gotten rocky have you deflected your depression by rooting for your favorite team? Looking back, I certainly did.

Here's some healthy advice - if your marriage is rocky or your job dreadful...you might want to work DIRECTLY on the problems. A pennant won't really solve them.

It's like these Deranged Dog People. I would say that roughly 90% of the people I know who put off marriage or childrearing ran out and filled that void with a dog. It's not that Red Sox fans are inherently losers or heathens, their fanaticism is just a natural consequence of human nature. People have always yearned for meaning and direction in their lives. As the famous quote goes,

A man who ceases to believe in God will believe in anything.

Now I am not one of these art museum types that always hated sports. I too have been afflicted with sports fanaticism for most of my life. It's only now that I have become wise as to the reasons why. Once I had a baby, suddenly shows like Pardon the Interruption that I made time for everyday, started to look very, very silly. I got to thinking that soon enough I will be old and grey and will be looking back on my life. I get very depressed thinking about how much of my valuable time, how many hours, days, and years I have spent watching athletes jostle over a ball.

Here's another small point. Today the masses aren't sports fanatics - they are spectating sports fanatics. People don't play football, baseball, and basketball, they mere watch others do so. If anything, it is exercise by proxy - kind of like the executive massage where someone else is doing all the work. So yes, athletics are full of virtues, but that would be if one was actually a participant.

I believe Ancient Greece at its incipience was marked by EVERYONE wrestling, racing, boxing, throwing the javelin, etc. However, the decline of this great culture coincided with a move away from popular sports participation to, like our present day society, mere athletic spectating.

So I want my millions of blog readers to ask themselves, what is more important to you - your family, career, and your epitaph or your team winning the title?

I say try to go a week without watching ESPN or checking a box score and see what happens.

Heretofore I have had "Boston Celtics" listed on my Blogger profile as an "interest". I just deleted it because I know realize it's embarrassing to define myself as demoralized pagan would. (Also, today is a suitable day to jump ship on the Celtics, given that asinine trade they just made for Kevin Garnett.)



The increasingly arrogant Bill Simmons insists that since the Sox have finally won a title he can now "die in peace." He's hardly alone with that sentiment.

To all these knuckleheads I'd like to interject that one must first have a life in order to die.

(The other faux religion up here, fertilized by the exact same causes, is of course pagan earth-worshipping - or as it's euphemized, "environmentalism".)

Weaning Morons Off Television, Books, and Oil Agitprop

This woman is the only person I know that is "addicted to oil".



Have you ever watched her cook on PBS? She must go through gallons of olive oil like normal people go through gallons of milk. She adds olive oil at least three times during food prep - and in many cases, spoons more directly onto the finished product on your plate.



For what it's worth, I know someone who employs (via subcontractors) tons of illegals in Arizona. They told me that nary a soul missed work during that "big" illegal strike on Monday May 1st.



For you uni-linguists, that means "open the door or I will break the window".

Who is the marketing genius that planned these protests on International Workers' Day - a veritable Communist holiday?

I think it is safe to say that these protests are backfiring.



In my last post, I updated my original Deranged Dog People post. Yesterday, I forgot to include the above self-explanatory picture. (Click on the pic to enlarge.)



There are many people out there that inveigh against watching television. Their complaints run the gamut from "TV causes obesity" to "TV fries your brain". I believe, that like anything else, too little or too much can be bad. Excuse the analogy, but not watching American Idol today would be like eschewing the original Shakespearan plays. When historians look back on 2006, they are going to be very much interested what the masses were doing during the time period in question. If you want to be a cultural Luddite and live an anachronistic lifestyle, fine. But there's considerable ignorance implicit with such.

Anyway, media today is amidst a complete paradigm shift mostly because of the internet. Sure talk radio and cable television were big deals, but they were mere stepping stones to the disruption that the internet is causing. The disruption is two-fold.

1) Content production costs have collapsed to almost zero: cheaper cameras, free research via the web, collaborative reporting, free web hosting, etc.

2) Faster and wider content transmission coupled with mobile telecommunicative devices has made the world indeed a very small and knowledgeable place. News stories now effectively disseminate at the speed of light and to all corners of the globe.

Anyone could now do what Bill O'Reilly does by plugging in a webcam and bloviating about the day's headlines - with little to no cost. In fact many now already are. Check out Michelle Malkin's new daily v-log, or video blog. People will very soon be syncing up their iPods or PDAs to their PC each morning, and uploading everything from SportsCenter and Seinfeld to popular v-loggers like Michelle and whomever else emerges from the free marketplace of punditry.

Devil's Advocate: Is that your plan C-Nut? To become a renowned celebrity pundit?

It would be nice, but so would winning the Masters - neither are very realistic. You can see that there are no ads on my blog (nor any plans for them) and I don't troll the blogosphere posting hyperlinks to my posts, like many other wannabe's do. My blogging is purely a hobby, and has so far been extremely rewarding.

I honestly feel that I have learned more in the one year I have been blogging than I learned in the previous 30 years of my life. All of this mental growth is due to one thing - media interactivity. It's one thing to read some pinhead's view of the economy, yet quite another to actually think about it, perhaps do some research, and articulate a coherent retort.

As for you stuffy elitists who avoid the lumpen television and only read books...

You are information-challenged as well. A book, by definition, is a monologue and not nearly as robust a medium as a blog. We live in the age of the DIALOGUE now. A discourse without an open, appended comment section will have a very hard time gaining (or in the case of antique newspapers, sustaining) an audience. Media consumers simply want an outlet to respond. Furthermore, only piss poor journalism need fear scrutiny and rebuttal.



That's right, OPEC's market share was actually larger in 1999 when oil cratered to $11 per barrel. So if you are going to be a Big Oil, price gouging conspiracist, then you ought to work that into your whacky theories.

I just can't resist exposing Bill O'Reilly's economic illiteracy.

Back in August, Bill said that high gasoline would plunge the country into recession.

He couldn't have been more wrong

He also said during the Hurricane Katrina aftermath, that he had proof that Big Oil was manipulating the price. Not only did he never divulge it, last week he admitted that he hasn't been able to find any proof. Yet, he hasn't changed his mind. Like all good conspiracy theories, the lack of evidence is confoundingly more proof of a vast cover-up.

The other day he bashed Big Oil for not investing in ethanol technologies which is ridiculous on its face.

Should the Fox Network be forced to invest in video games or other recreations that would take viewers away from the television? How about forcing Fox in to invest in medical devices or education - certainly the country needs that more than American Idol?

Bill has said that Exxon-Mobil's $400 million pay package for its retiring CEO was an "insult to its customers".

But on a pro rata basis, Bill himself will make more than that (over 13 years). He isn't the CEO of Fox, nor has FOX made nearly as much money for investors.



In fact, at $36 million per season, American Idol's Simon Cowell will also make more money than Lee Raymond. Simon is very far from the CEO slot as well.

Last I checked, neither of the two were meeting the transportation needs of our vibrant economy or generating shareholder returns on the order of Exxon-Mobil.

Bill has said many times that Exxon should sell their product cheaper (among other reasons, because we are "in a time of war"). He's asserted that,

"They only need to earn half as much."

But a good rule of thumb with public companies is,

half the earnings = half the stock price.

If Exxon's earnings halve, shareholders will lose $193 billion.

If all of the dreaded five BIG OIL companies cede to this populist demand and halve their earnings, the total loss for shareholders would be = $559 billion.

(At its peak, no doubt a ridiculous point of reference, Enron was worth only $70 billion. So this loss would be of eight times the magnitude. Yet many of the same people defending the little guys who allegedly lost money on Enron stock, are itching tax Big Oil down to these depths.)

So pension funds, university endowments, mutual funds, and small investors, aka Big Oil investors, would bear the brunt of this cataclysmic loss.

The publicly traded oil service companies also depend entirely on Big Oil to lease rigs, and to buy their equipment along with other services. They account for another $300 billion worth of public equity. With Big Oil, earning half as much, they will necessarily be able to reinvest only half as much money. So investors would lose another $150 billion or so there as well.

Devil's Advocate: But wouldn't consumers paying less at the pump stimulate the economy in other ways? Wouldn't this offset those losses in the stock market?

First of all, don't assume that cheaper oil at the wholesale level would translate into cheaper prices at the pump. Gasoline prices are also a function of taxes (average of 46 cents a gallon - and never going down) and the cost of refining which Big Oil has very little control over.

Second of all, if for whatever reason, either by law or volition, the oil companies profit margins were halved, I can guarantee you that the price of oil would sky rocket. This is financial markets 101. When the whole world sees the amount of money spent on exploration plummeting, the price of oil will rise to reflect that future decreasing supply.

Also, if oil companies lose half of their profits, they will also pay only half as much in taxes.

The nation's energy companies are already providing a "windfall" of taxes. According to Department of Energy data, from 1977 to 2004, federal and state governments extracted $397 billion by taxing the profits of the largest oil companies and an additional $1.1 trillion in taxes at the pump.

In today's dollars, that's $2.2 trillion - enough to buy a Toyota Prius for every household in the nation.

In fact, oil companies have paid in taxes more than three times what they earned in profits during those 28 years.

As the oil industry brings in record profits, it also pays record taxes that average 39 percent worldwide, even after accounting for special deductions and credits. That compares with a 33 percent average tax rate for other industries.

In 2005, Chevron, ConocoPhillips and Exxon Mobil paid more than $158 billion in total worldwide taxes. This gargantuan tax bill nearly equals the entire economic output of Iran and surpasses the total gross domestic product of 150 of the 184 countries ranked by the World Bank.

Okay, that Prius blurb is a bit absurd. Some (who knows exaclty how much?) of that money had to be spent on road maintenance over the last 27 years. So there is no way that we all could have been given Prius' from taxing largesse.

Also, make no mistake about it, cars like the Prius are the enemy of tax collectors. Generally speaking, fuel efficiency is a tax loophole. Gasoline taxes accrue on a per gallon basis and are ostensibly meant to pay for road maintenance. Yet the people who drive the most, likely buy fuel efficient cars, and therefore pay the least in gas taxes.

Similarly, as the price of gasoline rises, drivers cut back on gasoline consumption and state tax receipts get ravaged. The states will respond by likely cutting local aid to towns. So don't be surprised this year when your local municipality tries to raise taxes on you. They'll expertly frame it as needed to "save high school sports" or a similar ruse, as they have been doing the last two decades in Massachusetts.

But the overall point remains, if Big Oil's profits are cut, not only will the price of oil rise and shareholders lose billions, the government will also lose billions in tax revenue.

There's no doubt that Bill O'Reilly is economically illiterate but, I have a sneaking suspicion that he knows he's dead wrong. He simply doesn't care. He goes to great lengths to show he's "fair and balanced", and Big Oil bashing is just part of that larger endeavor. After all, he can't be a right wing shrill if he stands up to Big Oil - or so he thinks. It's just like when he highlights nutty religious people, no matter how obscure and impotent they are. He's just pandering to demographics. With likely 80% of the country economically illiterate, he sees Big Oil bashing as a pretty safe gambit.

Big Oil bashing amounts to not much more than Big Complaining. Like most complainers, Bill and his brethren's arguments seriously lack context.

If the price of oil is being manipulated, then what about sugar, gold, silver, Treasury Bonds, and real estate?

All are at or near multi-decade highs. Look at the explosion in copper:



Should we start hauling Big Copper CEOs before Congress now?



That chart above shows the recent explosion in zinc.

Because of which, it now costs more than one cent to make a penny. The latest projection is 1.4 cents to make a penny.

Surely our government wouldn't spend 1.4 cents to make a penny? If only I had such confidence. Soon, a nickel will be more valuable melted down, than in your bank account as well.

Given the relevant context, it's kind of tough to argue that ONLY oil prices are being manipulated up.

Generalized commodity inflation explains oil prices - so lose the conspiracy theories.

Boston - One Giant Dank Cemetery

Today is May 2nd, yet in Boston the forecast is for a high of 46 degrees and up to an inch of rain.

Though I grew up in Massachusetts, I never realized how dour the climate was until I came back. A warm day in February will undoubtedly be spoiled by rain. If the sun is shining, count on a stiff northerly breeze. And quite frankly, the sun isn’t often out much at all. It’s almost like living in a lake effect region of upstate New York. Even in this “global warming” induced mild winter, it still snowed on October 28th. Inertia has got to be the only reason people continue to live here.



Devil’s Advocate: Well then C-Nut, why do you live in Boston?

I live here because of a temporary quirk in my wife’s job. Obviously, as an independent securities trader I can work from anywhere. Hopefully we will be moving soon.

So I find curious all of this militant environmentalism in New England. I could understand it in beautiful California, the Pacific Northwest, Colorado, and the like, but here there’s little to appreciate.

Devil’s Advocate: What about the fall foliage?

That is a mere two weeks long. It is very cold if you go up to the White Mountains AND I can guarantee you that it will rain half of the time. If you think that will get you through the next 7 months then I have a bridge in Brooklyn you might be interested in.

People up here (that don’t know any better) make self-justifying excuses all of the time. They invariably tout skiing in defense of the winter. Well, I don’t think you can ski in April or May. What do you do then?

Make no mistake. The climate explains so much of the bitter ideology up here. I tell people it took me 30 years to lose my New England bitterness, and in the past 9 months it has come roaring back with a vengeance.

Also I had people up here proudly tell me that, “they don’t wear their religion on their sleeve.” But I have to take issue with that. As I and Michael Crichton have posited before, fanatical environmentalism is a religion, and the believers are as evangelic as any Latter Day Saint or bible-thumping rube. Environmentalists have scolded me for not recycling, not feeding my son organic milk, and for buying a Christmas tree at Home Depot instead of supporting the local farm.

I stand by my religion claim. Some guy even admitted as much on his bumper sticker that I saw the other day. It read,

“earth is thy religion”.

Again, I don’t know how locals can be so fond of the Earth, given the harsh weather. In fact, I tell people (known to be enviro-fanatics) that “I HATE THE EARTH - IT'S MY LEAST FAVORITE PLANET”. I also have been known to let out, “I HATE THE BLEEPIN’ ENVIRONMENT”. The knuckleheads just don’t know how to respond. CaptiousNut is so oft outrageous that many people can never tell whether he’s serious or not.

Since the Boston Tourist Commission isn’t going to hire me anytime soon...

Near my house is a massive cemetery that I have to drive by to go just about anywhere. I couldn't help from thinking the other day that a cemetery is the perfect metaphor for Boston. This city is all about dead and semi-dead people.

As a teenager, I attended an enrichment program at the Rose-Hulman Institue of Technology (Indiana). There were 30 child geniuses (and me) from all over the country. One guy from California told me that “...the Northeast is a dying, if not dead part of the country.” I was taken aback if not slightly offended. But what did I know, I was all of 17 years old and had never left New England, save for DisneyWorld. Years later I would realize that pissant prodigy was right.

(Googling has revealed that the pissant went to Harvard undergrad and is now an MIT professor, firmly ensconced in the Peoples Republic of Cambridge, perhaps the epicenter of the “dead Northeast”.)

What do I mean by “dead”?

First of all, there are people on life support driving cars all over the place. Radio talkshow host Howie Carr was going off the other day on the dangers of elderly drivers. I couldn’t concur more strongly. At least once a week my life is threatened by a blue-haired old lady in a Lincoln. A few months ago, I watched my 92 year old grandfather pull into his garage, put the car in reverse instead of park, get out, get knocked over by the car door, and fall under the car. He would have been run over had the car door not gotten stuck on the side of the garage.

Two years ago, my 85 year old grandmother, after years of innumerable accidents (some where she just drove away), finally totaled her car while driving down, thankfully, an empty street. She was banged up badly, broken ribs, etc. Most importantly (and luckily), she didn’t kill or injure anyone else.

For sure it’s a hard thing, giving up one’s driving. Nobody is eager to concede their freedom and become dependent on others for errands, church, and whatnot. Someone is likely going to have to pry the car keys from my hands one day. I just hope that future generations are better at convincing their parents to let go. God knows, these selfish Baby Boomers don’t even want to care for their parents, never mind drive them all over the place or, EGADS, have them move in.

I thought this was all about the inherent complications with giving up one’s lifestyle, but Howie Carr insists that the children don’t confront their senescent parents because they don’t want to be cut out of the will. How pathetic, and in many cases how true. Make sure you get your $75,000 inheritance no matter how many small children your mother runs over. I really do collectively loathe the Boomers. I think they should be renamed "The Worst Generation".

I was surprised to find Massachusetts listed as only the 12th oldest state. 13.5% of its population was over the age of 65 during the 2000 Census. But other New England states pick up the slack – Connecticut ranked 10th and Rhode Island ranked 6th. Also, the numbers are probably somewhat understated because of the high number of college students in Massachusetts that likely skew the average lower.

I may get in trouble for this, but it needs to be said.

Another thing I hate about Boston is how homely the women dress. Women up here hardly ever wear skirts, heels, or even blouses. Everywhere I go, ladies, young and old, are wearing jeans, sneakers, Red Sox hats, sweatshirts, and tee shirts. Underneath those hats is usually unkempt hair.

No DA, it is not a lesbian thing. ALL WOMEN UNDERDRESS UP HERE.

I chock it all up to the groupthink contagion. It's easy to walk around dressed like a slob college student, if only because everyone else does.

I could easily include some pictures of homely locals - Lord knows I have my camera with me all of the time. But I have had trouble getting people to pose for me. When I tell people the pics are for my website, strangers invariably ask its name. I tell them it's "marginalizing morons" and for some reason their cooperative enthusiasm immediately vanishes.

I just don't understand why.

Remember my post on Deranged Dog People?

I have to add a couple more examples to that epic post.

My neighbor drives all over town with her dog on her lap. I have noticed countless other drivers doing the same. Not only does Massachusetts have to ban cell phone usage (at least go "hands-free"), it seems they have to address another driving hazard up here: homely dressed old women with poodles on their laps.

Speaking of laps. A deranged friend of mine made the mistake of admitting to me that she holds her dog on her lap WHILE SHE GOES TO THE BATHROOM.

I never understood while people tell me anything, given my extremely big mouth. Now that I have three websites, read globally, it makes even less sense. I had to place a note on my door warning guests that "...anything they say or do can and will likely be used against them in the blogosphere."

Here is my favorite personal Big Mouth story. I played in a golf tournament in Philly about ten years ago. One of the guys I played with took more than a little license with the rules. When I found out the guy turned in a score of 75, I let others know what actually happened on the course.

Now the word gets out and the body-building drug dealer comes looking for me. He runs in the clubhouse and pulls me aside to "talk to me".

Jerk: Did you tell SOMEONE that I cheated?

C-Nut: No Bruno, I TOLD EVERYONE YOU CHEATED.

I'll never forget how far his jaw dropped when I laid that one on him. It's a wonder I am still alive.

Oh yeah, and I recently found out that my flake sister feeds her two dogs - ORGANIC DOG FOOD.

But the biggest omission from the Deranged Dog Post was the subject of vicious dogs. Why anyone would want to own a pit bull (besides a drug dealer) is beyond me. The people attracted to these monsters are usually trash (white and black) or upper crust fruits who think no dog is inherently dangerous - "it's all how they are raised".

I was waiting in the always long line at Let There Be Bagels in Port Washington, NY. Some loud-mouthed woman behind me starts talking to someone else about pit bulls, how they are the sweetest dogs in existence and they just "have a bad rap". I turned around and screamed at the woman, in front of many people,

"MY NIECE LOST HER FACE TO A PIT BULL."

Okay. That didn't actually happen But I should have said that.



There is seemingly a pit bull attack every day in this country. Check out that 10 year old's arm.



And the 8 year old girl's face.

Pit bulls' jaw strength is something obscene like 2000 pounds per square inch.

To give that some perspective, a cheetah only bites at 600 psi.

Needless to say, when a pit bull decides to bite you, he'll let go when he feels like it - no sooner. How much flesh it leaves on your bones is up to his discretion as well.

A friend of mine in Philly has a pit bull. He told me that when he walks it, other pit bull owners (there are plenty in South Philly) come up to him and ask if he, "wants to let the dogs hit". At the time I didn't know what that meant. It is when they keep the dogs on leashes, but let out some slack so they dogs can have a controlled fight. I am no animal rights nutjob, but this is sick.

Devil's Advocate: But that confirms what the woman above was saying about how the dogs are raised, doesn't it?

Go take two golden retrievers and see if they "hit". Pit Bulls are naturally vicious. At the risk of being too presumptuous, I assert that many of these pit bull apologists who attribute the dog's innate pugnacity to "the way it's raised" are the same people who blame guns, rather than people, for gun related deaths. Like I said, that is admittedly a bit of generalization, but it accurately describes at least two vicious dog owners that I know.

It's an oft uttered refrain that pets (and children) really do reflect the owner. I take issue entirely with the Moronic owners, because many have elevated the dogs up to the same status as people.

Last week I took my 1.5 year old son to a park at 7am. As soon as I arrived, I saw that there were three dogs running around - two black labradors and a golden retriever. Obviously they really are just about the friendliest dogs known to man. So I went out to the middle of the field and let my son run around. One dog owner, was letting her dog run freely on the other side of the field. Anyway, the dog (probably 1-2 years old) comes galloping across the field and bowls over my son. Now I was about 15 feet away and not particularly worried. But the dog's owner really got me pissed.

She comes sauntering over, having never once even called the dog to stop and says to me,

"Is he alright?"

Meanwhile my kid is still on the ground, wailing away, mud all over him, and still wrapped up in the dog's 15 foot leash.

"IS HE ALRIGHT? TAKE A LOOK AT HIM YOU IDIOT!!!"

Deranged Dummy: It was an accident. (even though the dog was unleashed and she made no attempt to catch it.)

I then said to her, in my soft serial killer tone,

"If your dog had bitten my son, I'd take my golf club to its head..."

Deranged Dummy: But...

"AND I WOULD PROBABLY TAKE THE CLUB TO YOUR HEAD AS WELL."

She turned white.

"AS YOU WOULD DO IF IT WERE YOUR KID".

She sighed and nodded in tacit agreement.

Devil's Advocate: Whoa, C-Nut. That sounds like you crossed a line with that threat.

First of all, that wasn't a threat because I used the word "if". Furthermore, I was teaching this naive woman an important lesson - that's just the type of service I provide on a gratuitous basis.

Like I said above, my problem is with the owners, who too blithely think their dogs harmless - even to 23 pound infants.

Fifteen minutes later I was accosted by the entire population of dog walkers in the park who apparently didn't like the way I dealt with that dingbat. They actually had the gall to say it was my fault that my son got run over. I couldn't make this stuff up. I wielded some logic and facts, they perhaps realized the weakness of their stance and eventually conceded, "I guess you have a right to be in the park too."

I duly thanked them for their magnanimity.

Anyway the dogs all stayed on the leashes the rest of the time I was there. Apparently the Deranged Dog People are there every morning. It was a nice park that I hadn't been to before. So I went back the next morning and walked around with a golf club. Okay, I haven't done that yet. I was strenously advised against that by both my wife AND my anger management counselor. But driving by the other day I saw that without some scary guy known to make golf club threats, all of those same people had their dogs running freely throughout the park.




Okay, fresh off of that escapade, I went to Larz Anderson Park in Brookline this weekend.

First of all, I have never seen weirder people in my life than those at the park that day. This is a ripe subject for an entire other blog. On the way out, I was strolling my son up a very steep hill to get back to the parking lot. Some unleashed, nasty looking dog started chasing me up the hill. Ever vigilant, I was on top of the situation. I hollered back to the remiss owner, "Is that a pit bull?". No he assured me, it was a boxer. So it is now running right up to my son in the stroller and I ask the guy to get his dog away from my son. The dunderhead reassures me that his dog loves kids. Now I am getting mad. So I shoo the dog away with my foot and ask the guy again to "GET HIS DOG AWAY!!!"

Now the owner gets mad at me. He calls me paranoid and came very close to finding himself at the bottom of the hill, minus a few teeth.

These idiots need to get it through their head that DOGS ARE NOT PEOPLE and in the hierarchy of living creatures they are FAR BELOW YOUNG CHILDREN.

Okay, I started this post with the horrible weather forecast for Tuesday. Well, here's this morning's forecast for Wednesday, verbatim as I just heard on the radio.

"Dank, dreary, rain all day with temperatures still in the 40s".

Deranged Dog People

Alright, I have held it in long enough. This stupid commercial I just saw for doggie stairs has put me over the edge.

What is wrong with YOU PEOPLE AND YOUR DOGS?

A good friend of mine just got booted out of his housing development because his dog mauled a neighbor. Okay, he didn't get evicted, the dog was. Instead of sending the dog to the mythical "farm upstate", he has decided to move to a new home.

My sister spends about $300 a week to kennel her dogs when she goes away. That exorbitant sum includes "extra play time" and "doggie phone calls". Yes, she calls the dogs on the phone.



Another friend sends her canine to "doggie day care" five days a week because it is better "socially" for the dog than staying home alone all day.

One in-law seemingly can't send us a family picture that doesn't include their dogs. It is great to see the development of my nieces but I'm not really interested in the growth of two extremely fat pugs. And they are definitely out of place on a Christmas card.

I have friends in Charlestown, MA that are routinely called "yuppies" by the residual townies there and wonder why. Could it be from seeing them walk that 13 pound hairless, emaciated poodle everyday?



Then there are the couples that get dogs INSTEAD of getting married or having kids.

The deranged that get gourmet dog pastries and take the mutts to aromatherapy and pet "healing" centers.

Have you seen these ridiculous ergonomically raised dog dishes?



Cat people can be nuts too. One friend spend $2,000 getting a half-digested piece of string removed from her feline. I think my brother just spend $4,000 saving his cat. My wife has emphatically stated that our cat has a strict $400 "deductible" and a DNR order as well.

Another friend spent $250 to "save a cat" from a website. The site marketed the cats as on "death-row" and about to be killed if no one paid the $250. What a great business plan! Get kittens costing practically zero. Put some pics of them on a website accompanied by a death countdown and take $250 per cat from assorted Morons.

I knew a guy in Center City Philadelphia who started a pet walking business about ten years ago. He sat at the bar all day drinking martinis and bragged about how much money he was making. He had one client who paid him $600 a month to walk his dogs twice a day. Of course the bragger outsourced the walking to struggling artists and the like. But this was definitely a great business to start there at the time.



My grandmother used to regularly bake meatloaf FOR HER DOG!!!

Anyway, feel free to one-up my anecdotes as I am sure they don't do justice to the complete inanity of Deranged Dog People.

UPDATE:

The day after I posted this I went to Spring Lounge on Mulberry Street in Manhattan. Some whack-job had her pug in the bar. It wasn't long before the dog was on the table sampling everyone's pints. The bar was instantly aglow with camera flashes. Alas, my camera got stuck in my pocket and I missed the shot.