When To Say "When"

One thing that you see in London that you'd NEVER see in the States is all these people drinking GLASSES of beer out on the sidewalks (outside the pubs).

You'd never see it because our liability lawyers would require plastic, unbreakable cups.

In the UK glass is okay because the drinks cost so much and the people are so poor....that they wouldn't dare drop a beer!

I see glasses out on the street once in a while.

I know I myself use to walk out of bars in Philly with half-drunk beers under my coat, concealed under my shirt, stuck in my trousers on my lower back, etc.

I saw this particular glass near a pub the other day and figured my blog readers would LOVE To see it.

Obviously the dude (broad?) didn't want to stop drinking even though it was clearly time.

What a polite bloke, though...confining the chunks to his glass!

I remember once I was at a bar on 38th and Chestnut in Philly....

I accidentally knocked over a plastic cup at a crowded bar and smelled something very foul.

My buddy told me that he had puked in that cup!

He was one of those rare, messed-up dudes who could puke....and yet still be able to continue drinking.

When I puked, I was done for the night - and probably for the next night.

And whatever it was that I drank, if it was a little exotic....I might not ever drink it again.

I drank a lot back in the day, back in my deformative years in Philly.

My puke incidents were probably less that 8 in my entire drinking career.

See also - Jerry Seinfeld's Non-Vomit Streak.

Poop Like A Dog?

Apparently it's healthier to *squat* above a hole in the ground while you defecate...

Who knew?

Seems to be another one of these 4th World habits (like bare feet, raw food, etc.) that's making a comeback among the healthy set.

Apparently squatters even do their thing atop conventional toilets.

But it can be somewhat dangerous.

Now, I'm going to WARN y'all. The following link is one of the most graphic I've ever posted. If you've just eaten....wait a little bit at least.

SQUAT TOILET ACCIDENT

I believe she was squatting atop a porcelain toilet....but it toppled and shattered. There are worse pics of this injury if you want to Google.

Now go try it!

I Wish I Was There!

Although in that case the embarrassment might have been familial. Our son the Prince is a bit of a prolific up-chucker.

In fact he can pretty much do it on demand. Make him eat a green weed (i.e. veggie) and he'll strategically hurl up his whole dinner in protest.

The last musical I attended was Aida in NYC some years ago. There were two drunk Korean tourists behind us passed out, drunk and snoring louder than the Elton John music. And they smelled like some nasty foreign alcohol (Fish Vodka?) to boot.

That was at least 8 years ago and I haven't been back. Musicals just aren't my thing.  They ain't cheap either.

I'll bet Kobe Bryant doesn't attend many...

Maggot Food

A sticky chair?

The unnamed 43-year-old man's roommates called police who found him unconscious.

He was taken to Wheeling Hospital in nearby West Virginia, where he later died.

A hospital spokesman would not comment on the man's death.

The man lived with two able-bodied roommates -- including his girlfriend, who officials said fed him since he never got up -- in a home in Bellaire, Ohio.

The roommates called police upon finding the man unresponsive on Sunday.

Officers who responded to the scene said that the man's skin was fused to the fabric of chair and that he was sitting in his own feces and urine with maggots visible, WTRF-TV reported earlier.

One officer said it was the worst thing he had ever responded to. Another told the local TV station he had to throw away his uniform after helping remove the man from the chair.

I know a medical professional/quack/swine flu enthusiast who told me he once had to examine a morbidly obese woman in the ER.

He said that buried in the folds of her arm were Oreos.

She giggled, "Me and my boyfriend like to play games hiding food..."

Super Pooper?

A relatively new friend of mine revealed to me the other day that he defecates *6-7 times per day*.

SAY WHAT???!!!

There just HAS TO BE SOMETHING WRONG WITH HIM, no?

After composing myself from the mind-blow....I suggested *butt kegels or something*.

SuperPooper - No. I don't have that problem. It's not like it just runs down my leg. I can control it at will. I just have a fast metabolism.

Anyone else ever hear of (or experience!) such a frequency?

See also - One More Crudity From NH.

Vocab Lessons - Buggery

MYRTLE BEACH, S.C.—A South Carolina man who twice pleaded guilty to having sex with a horse has been released from prison after 16 months and ordered to stay away from the stable where the animal lives.

Vereen must complete two years of probation or he will have to finish the five-year sentence he received in November 2009 after pleading guilty to buggery and trespassing. The Sun-News of Myrtle Beach first reported Vereen's release.

Vereen was arrested after the owner of the horse staked out her stable and caught Vereen sneaking inside. She held him at gunpoint until police arrived.

The owner said she spent several nights in the barn after catching Vereen having sex with the animal on surveillance tapes. She feared he had returned because her horse was acting strange and getting infections again. She also noticed dirt and hay piled up near the horse's stall in Longs, about 20 miles northeast of Myrtle Beach.

Vereen was caught having sex with the same horse in late 2007 and was on probation from that incident when he was arrested a second time, authorities said.

The owner of the horse didn't immediately return a message from The Associated Press on Monday, but her husband said she knew Vereen was out of prison and she was scared he would come back to their stables.

Hah! All this time I had thought it was called "horseplay", when it fact it's actually called buggery.

I guess *rolling around in the hay* would have been anatomically infeasible....so he had to STACK the hay...

Alright I'll stop now.

See also - Accidental Horse Whisperer?

McNugget De-Boner

Reading the ingredients on a frozen pizza last night I came across, for the first time, *mechanically separated chicken*.

Say what? That has to be disclosed?

I had already presumed the entire process of processing meat was done by non-humans, didn't you?

Pretty gross, eh - seeing how the sausage is made, so to speak?

Chew On This!

From TextsFromLastNight.com:

Hah!

You know, some years ago, back when I was an incorrigible, fun-as-all-heck bachelor I was involved in a similar situation.

You see back in college I developed the habit of *nasal mining* while sitting on the toilet - for a lot of solid reasons. For one thing, after leaving my all-male high school I was now among women it wouldn't profit me to be seen cleaning out my nostrils in public.

For another thing, my roommate and I started sort of a contest - if memory serves me. I used the third stall and he used the fourth one....and we vied for the mantle of the *most boogies stuck to the wall* by the end of the semester or something. I dominated but that was beside the point.

This (arguably gross) habit of mine followed me to my off-campus apartment and lasted beyond my Ivy League graduation. In my abode on 20th and South Street (Philadelphia), I continued the practice of picking and wiping on the wall right in front of my toilet. After being in that bachelor pad for 3+ years I had amassed quite a collection on my bathroom wall. And, not for anything, you'd need a chisel to scrape them off, seriously.

It was at this time that my future first wife came into the picture.

She claims, albeit with ZERO corroborating testimony or evidence(!), that one day she was using my bathroom, saw my petrified boogie wall, bolted out of my place as fast as she could, and agonized over why she should or could EVER have ANYTHING to do with such an allegedly sick individual again.

And look, in the end it worked out great for me and my first wife, no?

All I'm saying is that guy shouldn't shouldn't make any rash decisions about the toenail chewing chick.

And you ladies...

Y'all shouldn't rule out this guy either

Sorry.

Click the link above. He says he actually gets *hate mail* because of his nail collection/chewing!

The Second One Is Nuts!

(Expletive) For Brains

Remember that deer my BIL shot and showed me last week?

As I mentioned in the comments of that post, he decided to hang the skull in my back yard to dry out so he could make a so-called European Mount. (After drying out, one has to boil the flesh off.)

But I went back there today expecting to see the deer head skewered on a stick - like something straight out of Braveheart or The Gangs Of New York.

It wasn't. The head is rotting in plastic bag hanging on the fence that's no doubt filled with water and *not helping* the drying out process.

Quickly I googled the proper procedure:

1. The first step is to clean all major flesh from the skull. Cut off all meat and hide. Do not worry about damaging anything. Make sure to get as much flesh off as possible. Be sure that there is no vertebra still attached to the skull. This step is generally a lot easier if the head is fresh and has not been dead for over two or three days.


2. Now detach the jaw and Scrape out the brains. If you wish to keep the jaw bone (bear, fox, etc...) then carefully detach it and cut out the tongue. There is a hole at the back of the skull about the size of a quarter; this is your best access to the brains. Use your butter knife of a stick to get up in there and work the brains out. You can even use a piece of wire. Just be sure to get the brains out of there, it will save you a lot of work in the long run. If the brains dry in the head they are really hard to get out and they smell terrible!

Aha!

My lazy BIL skipped the first step - the brain scoop-out!

Worst Election Night Imagery!

Gee, thanks for the visual/aural Ann!

You know, when I lived on South Street in Philadelphia I had three inverts living next door to me AND two living right below me!

The ones next door were scared to death of me, so I heard.

And the ones below hated me. I once heard them refer to me as a "f*%$ing breeder"!

They hated me because they bedded down in a loft that was inches from the ceiling - my first level floor.

And I would come back from boozing - but only 5-6 nights a week - and start chipping and putting on the carpeted floor right above their their *cuddle pile*. I had some metal golf cup that let out a nice DING every time a ball hit it - and THAT really pissed them off.

Thankfully, I myself never heard any celebratory din from my neighbors.

Cat Scat - Double Gross!

That's certainly some interesting ink to adorn oneself with...

Except that the canvas is competing for the viewer's attention.

And I think it's safe to say that the *anatomy* is just as gross.

Accidental Horse Whisperer?

Police were called to the Partridge Lane home at 6:15 p.m. The caller reported that an unknown man was touching a horse in a sexual manner and that the horse appeared to be in pain.

Officers found Marian Wegiel in the corral with three horses. He said he had been comforting the horses, which had been scared by a loud noise, and may have accidentally put his fingers inside one of them, police said.

Of the three horses in the corral, it appeared only the female horse had been touched. The homeowner called a veterinarian to examine the horses.

link

No Way This Is Real!

"Make bathroom time fun again with the original SafeGlide adapter and Poopy-Time shapes.  What will your kid poop up?"


One of y'all can google to see if it's real...

Almost Clean

Recently I came across a public toilet that automatically lined the seat with fresh paper.

Then, just yesterday I came across another such animal:



This one just wiped the seat clean by rotating it under a sanitized brush.

Cool, right?

Except that when I bent over a little to look at the brush I noticed a pile of *curlies* lodged and dangling from it!

Canned Food For Bear Grylls!

Check out this appetizing blog post.

The only thing missing is....my mother's pot roast in a can!

All Sorts Of Dog Lovers!

(Photo removed)

I assume y'all know that they eat *dog* in places like Vietnam, no?

This guy's Flickr photos of a dog being *slaughtered, deboned, eviscerated,...* on the street by a sous chef were banned by the site - much like my rodent drowning on YouTube.

Don't be a weak-stomached wimp - click the link and check out his edifying slideshow.

Shoot....I had two *hot dogs* for lunch today!

(Link Removed)

Who Wants To Be An Exterminator?

My back has been aching so I did a rare thing and laid down in front of the color television this afternoon.

And I came across a great new show:



Since I've been battling rodents in my rental house I have somewhat of an interest in this subject now. Heck, one of my buddies found a mouse and the first thing he did was call me, an incipient expert, for infestation advice!

But this show was stomach-turning awesome. They're based in semi-tropical Louisiana so they have a wide variety of critters crawling through the cracks: snakes, beavers, bats, roaches, armadillos, alligators, etc.

They ran three shows in a row so I got a nice taste of the vermin. In the first one, Billy trapped a skunk and got sprayed trying to collect the trap!

In that same episode, some young girl living in a trailer on a zoo complained about mice. Billy went out and found evidence of mice everywhere and set traps. She has also reported having a mouse problem in her *lingerie drawer*! Can you imagine that?

So Billy set a trap in there too.

He came back and found dead mice in all his traps. Up in her bedroom he reached under a dresser to check a trap when he GOT BIT BY A DECENT SIZED SNAKE! It's fangs went right through his glove and his brother had to grab the snake and de-fang him. The chick? She ran so far out of the room they had to go looking for her. Can you imagine a young lady that not only had to grab her panties each morning out of a *shared* drawer, but she also now has to go to sleep knowing there was a king snake in her bedroom? (Apparently, it followed the mice up through the hole in the floor they made.)

Billy also hit two *shacks* that were overrun by thousands of cockroaches. People were actually living in these houses at the time. There was trash everywhere and dead rats whose corpses were picked down to the bone by roaches.

I set up my DVR to grab the upcoming shows.

See also where my adventure began - Rodents.

More From The Bizarro World Of Dog People

I have to reproduce this article in its entirety here, because, well, read it and you'll see:

MANCHESTER – Adam Lamotte, a Manchester man who turned himself in to police yesterday for shooting his dog, says he "made a terrible mistake" when he decided to euthanize the animal himself instead of taking him to a vet.

Lamotte, 39, is charged with one felony count of animal cruelty, which carries a possible sentence of 3 1/2 to seven years in prison, according to Auburn police. Lamotte's 5-year-old pit bull, Buster, was found Thursday afternoon, tied to a tree and dying from gunshot wounds in a wooded area off the Route 28 bypass in Auburn.

Lamotte was released on $5,000 personal recognizance bail. An arraignment is scheduled in Candia District Court on April 7.

Lamotte, who works in maintenance, yesterday said the tan and white dog he'd raised from a pup was "the greatest dog in the world."

Buster always slept in bed with Lamotte and his wife. "He had to be covered up and everything or he'd whine," he said. "He was a big baby."

But about a year ago, Buster started going after family members when they started to leave the house. "He would basically attack us, try to grab our ankles or our hands or whatever," he said. "We had to lock him in a room if we knew somebody was leaving."

About a month ago, Buster bit Lamotte's wrist, sending him to the emergency room for stitches. He brought the dog to a vet, who diagnosed the animal with separation anxiety, and put him on the anti-anxiety medication Clomicalm.

A few nights ago, Lamotte said, Buster went after Lamotte's 17-year-old son, tearing his pant leg off. Lamotte said he worried what would happen if the dog went after his 10-year-old daughter. "I couldn't take that chance."

He decided to put Buster down himself. The 78-pound dog was afraid of veterinarians, Lamotte said. "And, I don't know, in my warped thinking, I thought I was doing the right thing."

"It sounds absurd but somehow it was better, me doing it."

Around 8:30 p.m. Wednesday, Lamotte said, he took Buster to the trails on Manchester Water Works property, a favorite spot for the two of them, and let him run for a while off-leash.

Then he called the dog to him and shot him in the head with a handgun. But Buster didn't die. "He didn't make a sound. He just looked at me," he said. "It was terrible."

He fired the gun two more times but isn't sure whether he hit the dog. "I've never shot anything in my life."

Then, he said, "I just panicked."

"I didn't know what to do. I tied him to a tree and left."

Lamotte said he believed Buster was dying when he left him.

Early yesterday morning, Lamotte went to a drugstore for coffee and the newspaper and saw his dead dog's photo on the front page of The New Hampshire Union Leader. And he learned that the dog had lived through the night, tied to the tree, and had to be put down by the Auburn animal control officer.

"That was horrible. I can't even describe it," he said.

Lamotte called Auburn police and turned himself in.

He also had to face telling his wife what he'd done; he had told the family he had taken Buster to a vet to be euthanized. He still hasn't told his three kids the truth.

Lamotte called what he did "the biggest regret of my life."

"I should have went to the vet and just had him euthanized," he said.

"I wasn't trying to be cruel to my dog. I know that doesn't make any sense, but it's true. I wasn't trying to leave him tied to a tree all night. That wasn't what I set out to do."

"He's my dog. And we loved him."

It's just got to be a three-way toss-up as to this story's most INSANE element:

1) The fact that a guy could face time for euthanizing a demonstrably vicious and dangerous beast.

2) That, had he NOT put it down, he could well have been facing prison the next time it bit someone.

3) Or is this guy himself, the laughing stock of the story? He slept with the dog, loved it, got mauled by it, couldn't kill it with a gun, AND is palpably guilt-ridden over the whole ordeal!!!

Much thanks to Kfell for this cornucopia of laughs.

As always, click here for my master link of deranged dog people.

Nanny Hygiene

Preschools Add Brush-and-Spit to Day

HAVERHILL, Mass. — The twelve 4-year-olds sat in a corner, small hands clasping toothbrushes. Isaac and Aaron brandished them like swords, stabbing each other in the side. Jacky rubbed his into the carpet. Abigail squirmed, and Chayleece jumped up and down.

You ready? Start brushing!” said Massiel Diaz, their teacher at the Basic Beginnings day care center. “Brush, brush your teeth — at least two times a day. Clean, clean, clean — fighting tooth decay,” Ms. Diaz sang out, as the children moved the brushes up, down and around, connecting with teeth occasionally but also with their face and nose.

Massachusetts is the first state to add toothbrush time to the color-nap-snack-and-play routine of preschools, requiring that all children who eat a meal at day care, or attend for more than four hours, brush their teeth during class and be educated about oral health.

The regulations, which went into effect last week, are being praised by some parents and caregivers while causing a tempest in a toothbrush for others, according to schools and chat rooms.

"I don’t want someone’s hand in my child’s mouth," said Sarah Brodsky, a teacher at First Path Day Care in Watertown and mother of 4-month-old Noah. "It’s a little too much" government intervention, Ms. Brodsky added.

It's getting competitive out there...

But Massachusetts is going to be darned to let anyone surpass it as THE *nanny state*!!!

Full Disclosure - I also teach my (homeschooled) students the fundamentals of good oral hygiene. But I incorporate math as well. With mine, I start out the brushing myself, then, after a spit I give them the toothbrushes to wield. The 3.62 year old Princess has to count 30 good brushes and so does her older brother. But with him, I mix it up. He has to count to 90 by threes, from 90 down to 0 by threes, from 2 to 60 by twos - or backwards, 1 to 15 by halves, or 1 to 10 by thirds. This is so-called *skip counting* and I've found it to be a good twice-a-day exercise.