A Funny - Before Family Holiday Torture, Brutal Traffic, And Credit Card Bills

Color TV - The Best Marketing Medium For Shiftless Morons

This one is a few years old, but I hadn't seen it before this morning:

The website - YourBabyCanRead.com - has a better video that should autoplay when you click the link.

It looks like total BS, right?

Well it might be and it might not. It probably plays off the truth that these youngsters are capable of a whole lot more than their parents/society expects. So a little *work* will go a long way and turn heads in the process.

Be careful though, that website only lists a $14.95 price BUT I believe that is only the *trial price*. After a month they send you a bill for $100 or so.

Here's another one that I saw this morning on my low def color TV:

Ha!

And that one is even more of a rip at $347. It's got a lovely re-directing domain - WeFixKids.com!!!

What I love about infomercials is though - how they so clearly manifest market demand.

People out there, the lumpen masses, really do just want: a 3 minute workout, get rich in real estate secrets, magic pills for weight loss, the snuggle blanket, male enhancement, and good report cards from well-behaving kids.

I'm not minimizing these popular desires in any way at all.

It's just that there are sundry other ways to go out and achieve these goals, but they all require one significant gesture of self-propulsion...

Yeah, you have to actually get off the couch!

Starfall Expansion?

I'm not sure when it happened, but Starfall.com, the popular free online phonics website, has branched out.

My kids are messing around with *math* on it now.

The new site is - More.Starfall.com

I think someone was recently asking me for a *math* Starfall. Well there it is!

Email it to your nieces, nephews, and grandkids, will ya?

See also - Web Homeschooling.

Santa Subterfuge

You can go here and have Santa send your spoiled kids a call or an email.

My parents used to threaten to call Santa on the phone. And they even convincingly went over to it and simulated(?) the communication after a defiance of their inhumane rules. Once, I vividly recall, it was either the 23rd or the 24th, my mother did this after some exasperating misbehavior and my brother and I were drowning in tears - pleading for her to end the phone call. That Christmas we got all *clothes*.

All week I've been telling my kids not to *pout* and whatnot because Santa was watching them. But my threats have been to *email* a bad report to Santa.

Prince - Santa's not on email!

Princess - Santa doesn't have email!

CaptiousDad - Yes he does. And he's on Facebook too!

All it took was one Google. Late last night my wife found that site above and had that fat luddite Santa Claus email this kids this morning.

Loving Cutthroat Low-Margin Retail

One just has to love Amazon.com.

A minute ago I ordered a Sony digital picture frame for my first wife. Guess what, one-day shipping was FREE - a $24 value. Procrastinators rejoice!

And, of course, I ordered it through my son's affiliate links so I'll be sort of reaping a 6.50% discount as well.

They say Amazon's profit margins are a razor-thin 3.15%.

Look for them in the not-too-distant future to cut affiliate commission payouts AND to raise the bar above $25 for free shipping. The latter they have to do with oil pushing higher.  This won't be problematic at all on account of scant competition.

How can any brick-and-mortar retailer compete with cheaper and doorstep-delivered?

Coming To America, Through Hoops, Still

I heard something weird the other day which I haven't been able to confirm.

I heard that foreigners (Indians?) were acquiring the requisite *DNA* from American couples, getting artificially inseminated, and birthing babies that technically had full-blown American citizenship.

Then, as the parents of such, the foreigners are able to LEGALLY move to America.

It's like....Mexi-Orwellian or something, no?

And it reminds me, I have an appointment for a deposit at the *bank* this week. Not to boast, but my fee is up to $1,600 per....and I only accept CASH MONEY.

Foreign buyers these days are very impressed with my son's math aptitude. Go figure.

Book Summary - The 4-Hour Body

I simply can't put Tim Ferriss' latest book - The 4-Hour Body - down.

In three days I've already read and re-read(!) most of his 500+ pages on becoming *superhuman* in no time flat.

It's kept me up all night and woke me up early in the morning. I got yelled at by my first wife for reading at the dinner table (I didn't care and didn't put it away!). Mrs. C-Nut has actually banned me from talking about it to her! And I've touted the book to every stranger I've come into contact with these past few days. It's that good.

It covers:

• Rapid weight loss
• Rapid muscle gain
• Diet
• Sleep
• Running
• Swimming
• Hitting a hardball
• Fixing *permanent* injuries (very relevant for me!)
• And doing the nasty to perfection(!)

First off, the guy is a lunatic. He's spent his entire life tinkering with weird diets, drugs supplements, exercises, and a host of other practices (like frequent ice baths!) all in furtherance of sculpting the perfect body with the least amount of effort. So in that vein it truly is a follow-up to The 4-Hour Workweek.  All short guys lift weights, right?

I'm just going to offer a few details from the book that I found insightful.

As for dieting....he's a big believer that calories don't matter, that all white-flour products have to go (pizza, pasta, and tortillas!), and even that fruit is a hindrance to optimal body sculpting. Now that's pretty much all I eat. WTBleep!

He also believes that breakfast (sometimes a big one) must be consumed within 30 minutes of waking. Heck, most days I don't get a chance to eat ANYTHING until noon - 6.5 hours after I get up.

Ferriss actually takes three *ice baths* a week. He runs cold water and dumps 2 store-bought bags of ice into the tub....and soaks for 20 teeth-chattering minutes.

Why? Because there's some serious caloric burn or whatever (heat transfer?) from the temperature differential. I don't know. But his research has not only demonstrated that these ice baths burn fat, but they also somehow induce muscle growth. Even Ferriss who injects all sorts of junk into body, force-feeds himself eggs by the dozen, measures his stool, and kills himself with all sorts of brutal exercises....Ferriss describes the baths as *not fun at all*.

Guess what, wimps....I'm totally going to do it!

I'm also going to try his crazy diet. Yeah, I will trade New York(!) pizza, bagels, pasta bolognese, and all bread for black beans, sauerkraut, and spinach. Well, I'll try to try it anyway. The way he and others argue, one is crazy not to give it a go in the face of all the anecdotes out there saying that such a radical change (removing gluten) in diet not only changed their fat/muscle content, but also *cured* various ailments. Read one of his blog posts - How To Keep Feces Out Of Your Bloodstream - for more info. Yeah, it's going to be tough. Recall last year I tried to give up pizza for a month but lasted only a couple of days.  And New York pizza tastes a whole lot better...

One thing worth mentioning - Ferriss has a sacrilegious wrinkle in his diet. He allows one cheat day - Saturday - where you can eat whatever and as much as you want. And this ain't just marketing. He asserts that the cheat day is actually healthy and benefits the overall diet. Something like *everyone will cheat....so lets make the cheating predictable for the body* kind of reasoning....I don't know. Of course he offers test cases of people on his diet oinking on Saturday but yet all of them lose the additional weight by Monday.

As for his strength and muscle building...

Ferriss insists quantity (volume) is no match for quality (method) - the recurring theme in both of his books.

He would have weaklings lifting only three days a week, at a high intensity, for short bursts.

His exercises are mostly basic: universal and/or free weights. But he gushes over the kettlebell swing and two particular ab exercises: the cat vomit (an intense yoga cat-cow) and something called the myotatic crunch. Essentially the guy tried everything, for years upon years, before allegedly getting his abs ripped on those two exercises (done in moderation to boot!).

Don't get me wrong - this book is not at all exclusively about the exercise habits and theories of one man. The 4-Hour Body is a font of wisdom from expert Olympian-trainer types. It's more accurately a compendium of unconventional yet highly successful professional training. I mean one of his running gurus has his clients ONLY run 40 yard sprints in preparation for marathons. One of the back specialists he touts ONLY has his patients do a supine groin progressive tower. And his swimming guy relies only on a few technical keys. Heck, Ferriss went from a 2-lap swimmer to a miler from ONLY watching the Total Immersion DVD (and reading the book). I just reserved them both at my over-funded library network. While I can swim more than *2 laps* my form leaves much to be desired. In fact just last year I started making a concerted effort to fix it. Swimming is too great of a no-impact aerobic exercise to not take advantage of, right?

Have to wrap this one up here. Trust me, there's a ton of insightful and practical information in this book.

Oh yeah, I bought a 45 lb kettlebell today ($90) and am trying to figure out the proper technique for swinging it (via YouTube, etc.) without popping out my precarious knees or wrenching my tender back.

(The chapter on *lovemaking* wasn't applicable to me as I've had HBO for 15 years; it was written on a level say....more appropriate for West Coast Tom.)

See also - A New Workout Strategy?

An App For Mugging?

They say that people are getting mugged for their cordless *smart*-phones in cities.

They are also likely to be targeted by thieves in a smartphone crime wave fuelled by the enormous appetite for the machines that serve as status symbols, essential worktools and mobile entertainment centres.

The Paris police chief sounded the alarm last week when he said smartphones were the hottest item for thieves on the city's metro and that robbers were increasingly turning to violence to get their hands on them.

In Britain, a 30-strong National Mobile Phone Crime Unit is battling what a police spokesman said is "a general increase in the proportion of thefts which involve smartphones."

Susana Ramirez, a 29-year-old author and newspaper columnist in the Spanish city Barcelona, told AFP that a blog she wrote about her fear of using her iPhone in public sparked a huge response from her readers.

"I look to the right and to the left before I get out my phone," she wrote in the blog. "As if, instead of a phone, I was about to take out a knife or a stash of drugs on the street."

In New York, public announcements warn subway commuters not to display phones or other electronic devices.

Wraith noted that Britain and many other countries had systems in place that render stolen phones useless by blocking them from national networks by using the handset's unique International Mobile Equipment Identity number.

But that has led to stolen phones being shipped abroad for sale in places like eastern Europe, Algeria, Morocco, or West Africa, where an iPhone can fetch several hundred dollars and up to 1,000 if it contains data that can be exploited for credit card or other fraud, he said.

This has just got to be one of those crimes I almost condone!

Read a book on the train. Or carry a notebook and WRITE something, anything(!), down - that's what I do.

Are YOU addicted?

Therapy For *Seasonal Affective Disorder* Sufferers

You don't know what Seasonal Affective Disorder is?

Everything's a disease nowadays!

To treat my symptoms....I'm going to Florida for at least a month.

This guy certainly belongs on Marginalizing Morons - if anyone does.



And the participants probably are somewhere on the Moron spectrum as well.

Picking Up Chicks

This is called the Turkish Get-Up an exercise that's highly recommended in - The 4-Hour Body - that terrific book that I'm absorbed in at the moment.

I'd seen it only once before and didn't know that was what it's called. Of course now I'm going to incorporate it a little in my workouts to see if it lives up to Tim Ferriss' hype.

Although the video above is slightly inaccurate.

You're supposed to use a dumbbell. I guess there weren't any blondes around?

A New Workout Strategy?

Start this video on the 50 second mark:

Would you believe that a man of my physique(!) had never heard of kettlebells until today?

I'm reading Tim Ferriss' new book - The Four Hour Body. And in it he hails *kettlebells* as an extraordinarily effective (and efficient!) way to lose weight and gain muscle - all the way down the posterior core but particularly in the abs.  And he recommends them for women probably more than men!

Now I'm not near done reading his book or even the section on *gaining muscle* but I'm definitely going to run out and get me some of 'dem kettlebells.

They do look expensive (over $100) so I'm going to scour Craigslist and whatnot for deals. I need to get some lighter ones for my first wife and I also have to figure out what weight levels to start myself at. He said men should start at 44 lbs but I just saw some some chick on YouTube flipping an 88 pounder. So I might have to start at 89 lbs...

There's a whole lot more in the info-packed 592 page tome about food (do I really have to eat cod liver oil?), sleep, satisfying your life partner, etc. and I'm itching to read the rest in between familial distractions.

See also:

Tim Ferriss Hyping

The Moronic Pols Of Yesteryear

These are, allegedly, some of the dumb laws still on the books here in New York:

Women may go topless in public, providing it is not being used as a business.

You may not smoke within 100 feet of the entrance to a public building.

It is illegal for a woman to be on the street wearing "body hugging clothing".

Citizens may not greet each other by "putting one’s thumb to the nose and wiggling the fingers".

A fine of $25 can be levied for flirting.

It is against the law to throw a ball at someone’s head for fun.

The penalty for jumping off a building is death.

New Yorkers cannot dissolve a marriage for irreconcilable differences, unless they both agree to it.

A person may not walk around on Sundays with an ice cream cone in his/her pocket.

While riding in an elevator, one must talk to no one, and fold his hands while looking toward the door.

Slippers are not to be worn after 10:00 PM.

My favorite is *agreeing to....irreconcilable differences*!

Go to DumbLaws.com and investigate your own state.

The Second One Is Nuts!

One Hot Ho'!

Typical Harvard Morons

As the almighty temple of brokered and state-sanctioned *education*....I hold an out-sized contempt for all things Harvard.

While we chase rock-throwing sand people in caves thousands of miles away....here in America we subsidize and nurture far more pernicious *domestic terrorists*.

These buffoons might seem smart and thoughtful. No matter...they are simply the next generation of anointed elitists. And there's nothing at all *ethical* or *just* about the international havoc wrought by decades of planning (socialism!).

This class is being webcast. I expect Paul Mitchell will virtually enroll and let us copy his copious notes...

Paying Cash

Recently my kids started a late-morning homeschool karate class. The instructor offered his services at about half of his normal cost. And why wouldn't he or anyone else that peddles mostly to kids who are otherwise pent up in government schools all day?

But still, when it came time to pay him, I deliberately gave him cash (instead of a check or credit card).

Paying cash is not only practical because it can net you a discount in many cases, I submit that it's also the nice/moral thing to do; and this particular sensei is a most likable dude.

The income tax is nothing short of pure slavery.   Think about it.  Big Government has a claim, enforceable by jail(!), on a significant percentage of everyone's *harvest*.

My new policy is to pay cash WHENEVER IT'S FEASIBLE. I'll do what I can to charitably pass *tax breaks* on to other slaves.

Plus, cash payments for plumbers, restaurateurs, daycare providers(!), and Latin tutors like the guy pictured above....they can go, collectively, a long way towards keeping the price of services down.

Funnier Than The Return Of Winter, Anyway

Living With The MIL Chronicles 6 - Kitchen Scrapyard

Check it out. That's what my MIL *stores* in her oven.

So every time WE NEED TO USE THE OVEN....that pile of scrap metal has to come out and find a landing spot.

And in a kitchen with ZERO counter-space, it invariably has to go on the stove.

But if you're cooking, chances are you've got a whole lot going on on the burners already!

This is insane. Not only is there ample storage space in the cabinets and whatnot....but also this is PURE GARBAGE. She saves every piece of aluminum that enters the house. Every time someone gets take-out she has to wash and salvage the containers and whatnot (and metal coffee cans, jars, etc.).

The worst is when you forget the junk is in there and pre-heat the oven.  Then you have a whole pile of hot metal to manage!

One day, finally, I asked her if I could throw that stuff away.

MIL - NO.

CaptiousSIL - Are you going to take it to your new fancy retirement home?

MIL - YES.

CaptiousSIL - WHY? (holding up the circular pan/sheet)

MIL - Because my mother-in-law gave me that.

At a minimum that means the cookie sheet, pizza pan, or whatever it is is 40 FREAKIN' YEARS OLD - but it could easily be half a century old.

Do YOU think it's sanitary to cook on that crap?

She moves out in about three weeks...

OH, the blog material I've been sitting over the past 7 months!!!

See also:

Living With The MIL Chronicles 1

Living With The MIL Chronicles 2 - Off The Hook Phone Ringing

Living With The MIL Chronicles 3 - Already Over?

Living With The MIL Chronicles 4 - Leading 'Old Coots' To Water

Living With The MIL Chronicles 5 - What is it?

And They All Want My Body, Too!

They got me again!

I just received a phone call from Bank of America - a fraud alert on my credit card.

Someone tried to spent over $1,000 on it at a Walgreens in Queens last night.  And somehow I sincerly doubt the criminal looked like the lady above.  Just saying...

Neither my wife nor I lost our card so they must have had a counterfeit one made up.

This is the second time this year our card has been co-opted by thieves.

AND recall also that a few months ago I discovered someone co-opting my identity down in Orlando.

Dumb, Dumber, And Death

I'm not sure which one got killed, but the Moron who initially went for the unarmed apprehension is responsible/

If you're going to go for the gun, you'd better freakin' get it or at least be sure you can immobilize the guy via a nut-punch, eye-poke, or something.

Obviously, you can't just go straight at him - you have to wait for him to look the other way, bend over, or for him to blink.

A case could be made for the Moron who let him in the building too.

See also - What We All Would Like To Do.