More Childish Vampire Tales

I've already blogged about my daughter, the South Shore Vampire and her biting exploits. Here's another biting tale.

The other day, a local mother told me she had a playgoup/playdate thing going on at her house that was befallen with a *biting incident*. One boy bit another and it "...effectively ended the playdate" because of all the collateral maternal dramatics.

Whatever, right? These things happen all the time. A bite ain't the end-of-the-world by any stretch. There aren't thousands of underachieving, scarred adults fumbling around on the planet whose misfortunes can be traced back to being bitten, now are there?

I fully expect these mothers to occasionally overreact - especially in this zone of wealth and frivolity. But guess what happened here.



This *biting incident* apparently blew up into such a big deal that it ended the MEN'S POKER GAME!

Can you believe that? What kind of Loser dudes would let their wives catfighting dictate who they drink and gamble with?

A Conspicous Green Moron

Some guy that lives on Main Street in Hingham, Massachusetts has the most gorgeous lawn you ever did see. [not pictured above]

Every time I drive buy it I pause and think about jumping out of the car and carving massive divots on it with full pitching wedge shots.

Last week I noticed that he put up a sign on his doorstep that read "Well Water".

What the heck did that mean?

From last year I knew that these local towns enacted *lawn watering bans* during droughts so perhaps his sign was related. But this year, we've gotten decent rainfall and I haven't heard of any such prohibitions.

Anyway, if this ButtClown was ever cited by a town official, he could just tell them that he was using well water. In other words he needn't a public sign detailing his water source.

But more likely, this guy with the conspicuous, enviable lawn just wants his neighbors and passers-by like myself to somehow realize that despite his plush lawn, he is some sort of steward of the environment.

As far as I am concerned, wasting water is wasting water. If we were in a drought, I think it'd be incumbent on him to pump his extra water to the reservoir - or better yet, to some underprivileged neighborhood.

Furthermore, this guy manifests himself as a morally superior Loser. I mean who cares what strangers driving by your house think of your water consumption? Ironically, this particular stranger was offended!!!



Here's what I do next.

I slip a note into this guy's mailbox:

YOUR GREEN LAWN REPRESENTS A WASTE OF EARTH'S PRECIOUS RESOURCES. I'VE POURED A QUART-SIZED MEDLEY OF MERCURY AND ARSENIC INTO YOUR WELL.

Then I post a sign on my front lawn:

YOUR TAXES WOULD BE HIGHER IF I DIDN'T HOMESCHOOL MY KIDS!

I've also occasionally seen one of these cars in his driveway. Go figure.

Maybe You Are A Loser?

From Parenting magazine's The New Mom at School:

The other moms in my child's class all seem to know each other. I feel like a loser when I hear them talking about scrapbooking parties or potluck dinners. What can I do?

"Just as there are kid cliques, there definitely are mommy cliques," says Michele Borba, author of 12 Simple Secrets Real Moms Know. If you really want to crack the group, don't approach the ringleader. "Instead, watch for someone who's friendly and somewhat on the edge," suggests Borba. Chat with her when she's alone or with just one other parent, instead of sidling up to the big group. Then, questions are easy conversation starters: "Is your son joining Cub Scouts?" If she's chilly, try not to take it personally -- as hard as that is. Move on until you find someone you click with, whether she's part of the Cool Mom Club or not.



Sometimes I can't believe the ridiculous cr*p my wife reads.

By the way, speaking of fitting in with the "Cool Mom Club", that French Mom that I offended never showed up again at my daughter's dance class.

Since there's no official scorer, I am going to co-opt the credit.