Monday, August 18, 2008

A Conspicous Green Moron




Some guy that lives on Main Street in Hingham, Massachusetts has the most gorgeous lawn you ever did see. [not pictured above]

Every time I drive buy it I pause and think about jumping out of the car and carving massive divots on it with full pitching wedge shots.

Last week I noticed that he put up a sign on his doorstep that read "Well Water".

What the heck did that mean?

From last year I knew that these local towns enacted *lawn watering bans* during droughts so perhaps his sign was related. But this year, we've gotten decent rainfall and I haven't heard of any such prohibitions.

Anyway, if this ButtClown was ever cited by a town official, he could just tell them that he was using well water. In other words he needn't a public sign detailing his water source.

But more likely, this guy with the conspicuous, enviable lawn just wants his neighbors and passers-by like myself to somehow realize that despite his plush lawn, he is some sort of steward of the environment.

As far as I am concerned, wasting water is wasting water. If we were in a drought, I think it'd be incumbent on him to pump his extra water to the reservoir - or better yet, to some underprivileged neighborhood.

Furthermore, this guy manifests himself as a morally superior Loser. I mean who cares what strangers driving by your house think of your water consumption? Ironically, this particular stranger was offended!!!



Here's what I do next.

I slip a note into this guy's mailbox:

YOUR GREEN LAWN REPRESENTS A WASTE OF EARTH'S PRECIOUS RESOURCES. I'VE POURED A QUART-SIZED MEDLEY OF MERCURY AND ARSENIC INTO YOUR WELL.

Then I post a sign on my front lawn:

YOUR TAXES WOULD BE HIGHER IF I DIDN'T HOMESCHOOL MY KIDS!

I've also occasionally seen one of these cars in his driveway. Go figure.

2 comments:

Anonymous said...

Did you know that you're not actually funny at all and moreover you sound like an asshole?

CaptiousNut said...

I laugh all day long...

I'm with ME most of that time...

Ergo I must be actually somewhat funny!