Who Would Want The Napping Dinosaur, Anyway?

What's your policy on advertising the current book you're reading?

I think most people genuinely try to hide the cover of their book lest anyone cast judgment on what they've chosen - heck, even I do that sometimes to forestall questions/conversations from adjacent Morons.

Yet I always crane my neck to see what others are reading!

Some 'old coot' on the beach the other day was reading the above.

I just had to look it up when I got back. Here's the link with explanatory subtitle:

You Can't Have Him, He's Mine: A Woman's Guide to Affair-Proofing Her Relationship

Why the bleep might a sixty-something 'old coot' be reading THAT!

He was either researching *escape strategies*...

OR it might have been one of those classic cases where the 'old bag' wife just grabs one of her cheesy novels or any old book and throws it to her illiterate aliterate husband, imploring him to *read something*. I'm pretty sure this is what my mother does to my old man. He obliges too - reading at about 2 pages per hour through his closed eye-lids.

Will Now Have To Ask For Directions

Someone broke into my car last night and stole the GPS out of the compartment thingy.

They must have jimmied the door open OR somehow gone in through the trunk windshield. Tonight, when taking my golf clubs out for safekeeping, I noticed that one of the wires that attaches to the rear defrost mechanism was broken off. So perhaps they pried that open, crawled in - kicking off a wire(?), and then exited out the driver's side door.

This was bound to happen. I've heard that in NYC anyone with those circles from the suction cups on their windshield gets their car broken into for their GPS. This is what pisses me off - that I was lazy and never got around to regularly washing those conspicuous marks off.

But heck, we're in a gated community down in Naples with only 16 units here. Someone either jumped the fence or a contractor with knowledge of the code came back for a $40(?) propina. The key code to enter here is simply the numerical address of the building. No doubt whoever the 'old coot' on the HOA board is who set that up....I'd wager that they not only use AOL for their email, but also that their password is *password*!

I'm just about 100% sure that I did lock the car last night - y'all might not believe how anal I am with that habit. But I'm going to do a little detective work nonetheless. From the web:

If they used a slim jim, they probably damaged the weather strip at the lower edge of the door glass.

If they went through the door frame, they damaged the door-to-body weather strip.

If the pried the door frame out, usually the upper rear corner, they may have actually bent the door.

I'm also going to keep my eye on Craigslist. A guy in the condoplex told me today that someone once jacked his scooter out of here but he tracked the crook down because the Moron tried to sell it on Craigslist!

I'm not going to replace the GPS - I don't think.

I'll probably just have to use my Droid phone for navigation. I wonder if there's a dock/charger that doesn't break the bank AND doesn't advertise itself to thieves...

Yet Another Athletic Prodigy...

...That probably will never live up to the hype.

Note that his father looked pretty short.

Thanks to my most loyal reader (since the very beginning!), HG, for this one.

My Pelvis, A Game-Changer

Remember how back when you were a dumb kid and you *fell in love* with a the perfect shapely broad or charming dude....remember how you'd be bouncing off the walls and infatuated to the point of complete distraction?

Well that's how I feel at the moment.  I was up all night and can't stop my mind from racing this morning.

And no it's not the perky bartender from last night.  (I was at a kids-eat-for-$1 family restaurant with 5 little brats.)

I think I may have FINALLY, yet again, found the solution to the mystery of my pain-ridden back.

Reading that book I mentioned the other day - 8 Steps To A Pain-Free Back - I discovered some major insights.

It was actually quite simple. I was sitting wrong, standing wrong, walking incorrectly, and sleeping in positions that were guaranteed to be hostile to my back.

While the yoga I was doing the past few years was a step in the right direction, I was still making a major *kinesthetic* blunder - my pelvis was tucked back instead of properly anteverted (pulled forward).

So all my efforts to battle head-forward posture, rounded shoulders, and to tighten my core were almost for naught on account of this foundational problem. One can't well straighten out their spine with the all-important bottom piece of it out of whack!

Above I said that I was bouncing off the the walls but that's not entirely accurate.

I've actually been *glidewalking* all over the condo - back and forth nonstop.

What's that?

It's a method of ambulation described in her book that merely stretches out your hamstrings, engages your core, and gives an incredible buttocks workout. Yeah, all from just taking a few steps across the room!

Much, much more on this development will be forthcoming.

Birth Of An Author?

I'm not sure if I mentioned this on my blog already, but my 6.14 year old homeschooled son and I recently conceived and started writing a *story*.

It's about a personified pencil - PencilEd (a play on "pencil head"), his severed hindquarters EraserBurt (a play on "eraser butt"), and sundry similar characters. See his post - Pencil Ed.

Anyways I came up with the initial idea (I think), we talked about it a lot, and then set to work trying to sketch the cast and storyline.

Eventually we sat down, me at my PC and my son 6 feet away at his, and I created a *shared* Google Doc so he could read along as I started typing up the ideas we had been jawboning. I kind of got into it a little but my son....he was absolutely RIVETED in his seat.

It was all he wanted to do for weeks thereafter!

"Dad, can we do some more PencilEd???", became a nagging refrain.

I did do a little more with him but then I checked out on our joint-venture completely. PencilEd was a casualty of limited time and priorities.  A horrible homeschooling parent, I've been leaning more and more on edu-activities THAT DID NOT INVOLVE ME.

But in hindsight my negligence looks like a masterstroke. One day a couple of weeks ago the 6 year old Prince sat down and continued the story all on his own. He implored me to take a look at it more than a few times but I never did - until just the other day.

I was absolutely blown-away with what he wrote. And when I showed it to my first wife she too was incredulous, and interrogated me hard as to whether or not I *helped* him. I most certainly DID NOT.

Here's a link to a copy of our very rough story. The beginning is almost all my work but I clearly indicate where my son takes over:

Pencil Edventures

What do y'all think?

I was particularly taken aback by his penchant for *suspense* and *flow*; and I like how he changed fonts/font sizes for emphasis. He is only 6 after all.

But realize that he's read nothing short of a bazillion books already. So he's well-aquainted with basic literary form.

See also:

Prince C-Nut - Book Devourer

Raising a Bibliophile.

Chinese Racism?

Some woman, one Amy Chua, just ripped round-eye American parents in the WSJ - Why Chinese Mothers Are Superior.

Most of what she said was substantially correct, BUT:

Her tone was *racist* in the true sense of the word - implying racial superiority.

She has a profoundly misplaced emphasis on *academic grades* - like they mean ANYTHING at all.

And although I can be a bit of a, as my father once remarked,...a *drill sergeant*, get a load of this LUNATIC:

Here's a story in favor of coercion, Chinese-style. Lulu was about 7, still playing two instruments, and working on a piano piece called "The Little White Donkey" by the French composer Jacques Ibert. The piece is really cute—you can just imagine a little donkey ambling along a country road with its master—but it's also incredibly difficult for young players because the two hands have to keep schizophrenically different rhythms.


Lulu couldn't do it. We worked on it nonstop for a week, drilling each of her hands separately, over and over. But whenever we tried putting the hands together, one always morphed into the other, and everything fell apart. Finally, the day before her lesson, Lulu announced in exasperation that she was giving up and stomped off.


"Get back to the piano now," I ordered.


"You can't make me."


"Oh yes, I can."


Back at the piano, Lulu made me pay. She punched, thrashed and kicked. She grabbed the music score and tore it to shreds. I taped the score back together and encased it in a plastic shield so that it could never be destroyed again. Then I hauled Lulu's dollhouse to the car and told her I'd donate it to the Salvation Army piece by piece if she didn't have "The Little White Donkey" perfect by the next day. When Lulu said, "I thought you were going to the Salvation Army, why are you still here?" I threatened her with no lunch, no dinner, no Christmas or Hanukkah presents, no birthday parties for two, three, four years. When she still kept playing it wrong, I told her she was purposely working herself into a frenzy because she was secretly afraid she couldn't do it. I told her to stop being lazy, cowardly, self-indulgent and pathetic.


Jed took me aside. He told me to stop insulting Lulu—which I wasn't even doing, I was just motivating her—and that he didn't think threatening Lulu was helpful. Also, he said, maybe Lulu really just couldn't do the technique—perhaps she didn't have the coordination yet—had I considered that possibility?


"You just don't believe in her," I accused.


"That's ridiculous," Jed said scornfully. "Of course I do."


"Sophia could play the piece when she was this age."


"But Lulu and Sophia are different people," Jed pointed out.


"Oh no, not this," I said, rolling my eyes. "Everyone is special in their special own way," I mimicked sarcastically. "Even losers are special in their own special way. Well don't worry, you don't have to lift a finger. I'm willing to put in as long as it takes, and I'm happy to be the one hated. And you can be the one they adore because you make them pancakes and take them to Yankees games."


I rolled up my sleeves and went back to Lulu. I used every weapon and tactic I could think of. We worked right through dinner into the night, and I wouldn't let Lulu get up, not for water, not even to go to the bathroom. The house became a war zone, and I lost my voice yelling, but still there seemed to be only negative progress, and even I began to have doubts.


Then, out of the blue, Lulu did it. Her hands suddenly came together—her right and left hands each doing their own imperturbable thing—just like that.


Lulu realized it the same time I did. I held my breath. She tried it tentatively again. Then she played it more confidently and faster, and still the rhythm held. A moment later, she was beaming.


"Mommy, look—it's easy!" After that, she wanted to play the piece over and over and wouldn't leave the piano. That night, she came to sleep in my bed, and we snuggled and hugged, cracking each other up. When she performed "The Little White Donkey" at a recital a few weeks later, parents came up to me and said, "What a perfect piece for Lulu—it's so spunky and so her."


Even Jed gave me credit for that one. Western parents worry a lot about their children's self-esteem. But as a parent, one of the worst things you can do for your child's self-esteem is to let them give up. On the flip side, there's nothing better for building confidence than learning you can do something you thought you couldn't.


There are all these new books out there portraying Asian mothers as scheming, callous, overdriven people indifferent to their kids' true interests. For their part, many Chinese secretly believe that they care more about their children and are willing to sacrifice much more for them than Westerners, who seem perfectly content to let their children turn out badly. I think it's a misunderstanding on both sides. All decent parents want to do what's best for their children. The Chinese just have a totally different idea of how to do that.


Western parents try to respect their children's individuality, encouraging them to pursue their true passions, supporting their choices, and providing positive reinforcement and a nurturing environment. By contrast, the Chinese believe that the best way to protect their children is by preparing them for the future, letting them see what they're capable of, and arming them with skills, work habits and inner confidence that no one can ever take away.

Now I most certainly could rip this women, her teaching philosophy, and her chauvinism to shreds but I think she clearly Marginalizes herself.

Worse than her priorities and methods is her drunken and unapologetic self-righteousness.

Just imagine what she might say about other demographics *off camera*...

Thanks to the UkrainianFop for sending me this link.

The Political Utility Of Dumb Kids And Bad Adults

Y'all will have to excuse me if you've already seen or heard about this interesting story - how (our?) hackers allegedly devastated Iran's uranium-enriching computers. Living under a comfy rock, I just caught wind of it. Thanks LeagueIslander.

Of course this is the type of stuff we should be doing INSTEAD of spending $500+ billion a year on standing armies and sci-fi weaponry.

I recently came to an important realization about Big Education that also applies here.

Government schools miserably fail the *top* students, YET all of the news/propaganda about them focuses on how it fails the worst students - complete tautological BS!

Why is that? Well I submit it's not out of genuine compassion or anything but rather because highlighting drop-outs and illiteracy in say East New York, Brooklyn or Camden, NJ is a far more effective ploy for unquestioned, and INCREASING overall edu-funding.

Likewise, focusing the entire news cycle on *nuclear* Iran, a handful of Iraqi decapitators, and Mid-East rock tossers also keeps the public sufficiently *alarmed* and too distracted to question the enormous scope and spending of Big Military.

See why I don't follow the *news*?

This Guy...

...probably gets a lot of broads, don't ya think?

Talented as (bleep) though...

Vicarious Thrill Ride

Thanks to Crave for this one!

The 4-Second Funny Bone Tickle

Another Bad Back Book

While I've just started reading this one - 8 Steps to a Pain-Free Back - I can tell it's going to be helpful. Perhaps it'll even be *the one* that helps cure my broken back. The focus of the book is *perfect posture*.

With over 170 reviews on Amazon it impressively still holds a 5-star rating. Click the link, read the reviews, buy it, and make yourself perfectly erect!

See also - Another Piece of Bad Back Puzzle.

Screw Zillow.com

I could be wrong/blind but it appears as though Zillow.com has done away with its best feature - Sales Price History.

Obviously it's an attempt to placate and solicit ads from those unctuous realtors. God forbid any prospective buyer find out that homes can be disastrous *investments*...

Yet another triumph for *opacity*!

Here's hoping the website DIES and its owners get foreclosed upon.

UPDATE - It appears that I am wrong/blind. An intern from Zillow.com informed me in the comment section that *sale history* is still being duly reported on their website.

Look. I most certainly did not imagine this. I'd been looking at *sale history* on that site for a few years before without any trouble. Then all of a sudden I couldn't find that data on the last bunch I pulled up. And it could be because I started searching an area (NY?) that simply didn't have much published sales price history. I don't know. But this morning, BEFORE running this post I did a quick Google of the question and came upon this:

That complaint was not only curiously unanswered, it was ON THEIR WEBSITE. One might think they would address those critiques before coming here...

I simply combined my frustrated personal experience with that corroborating link and a dollop of my trademark cynicism in penning the post. I can't well research everything to the N^th, now can I?

I think they may have removed the explicit link to *sales history* and folded it into their ridiculous estimated *price history* (at the behest of advertising brokers?). So if you click on price history it should be there, although it's *buried* by the laughable and infinitely useless *5 year* default time range. You'll have to expand it.

Note that most real estate brokers today LOVE the *5 year* time-line as well!

Productivity Killer

Click here.

Y'all can thank PrivateCaller for this torture!

Homeschooling = Lifestyle Design, Too

Here's a pic of my kids from five days ago in New York:

And here's a snapshot of what they have doing the past two days in Orlando and now in Naples, Florida:

While they did have a blast in the snow for a couple hours last week...

Still, they tragically hadn't been to a park in almost the past two months.

While Long Island has numerous large, beautiful, and well-funded parks I've been very disappointed with them on another front. There simply are NO KIDS there for mine to play with, EVER.

If I was one of those LOSER *likers* on Headbook...

My wall would read "CaptiousNut likes Snowbirding*!

And so do my kids.

We spent New Year's Eve last week with two other neighborhood couples and their children
up north.

Both of them have *1st graders* - girls the same age as the Prince AND also a younger child right behind like our Princess.

And both of these couples, I think, have already been captivated by the idea and evidence of us homeschooling our children. The endless stream of questions they they fire at me and my wife suggest much more than shallow curiosity. I can literally see the wheels turning in the brains during these conversations - most especially this past week over a New Year's Eve standing rib roast when we revealed that we were packing the car up for Florida.

Twice one of the guys incredulously asked me later that evening, "You're really going down for a whole month?"

Indeed I was....actually for a little longer!

Making Good Time

Last night we did arrive in Jacksonville - covering a hefty 600 miles on the road.

The Prince, with the help of some parental marketing, decided upon Hooters *family* restaurant for dinner.

Wow. Let's just say the staff in Florida was a lot more possessive of *qualities important to the superficial male* (credit Jerry Seinfeld) than the Hooters I went to in Philadelphia back in the mid-1990s.

The tank tops are fine, but the tiny shorts, the way they sit down at the table to take your order, and the flirting are a little over the top - not to mention the *hula hoops*! The waitresses there can be described as nothing short of *reluctant strippers*, IMO.

Why did we stop there?

I told y'all - because my son chose it!

Also, I recall faintly that their wings were pretty good - I had them years ago, the lightly-breaded variety.

But they weren't that good this time. And not-for-nuthin'....they have to start cutting off the freakin' wingtips.

FYI, if you are going to go to Hooters *family* restaurant, try to get the seat next to the kitchen window. That's where we were put. From that perch you'll have a perfect view of ALL of these reluctant stripper waitresses running(!) to pick-up their food orders.

We had a much, much better lunch in Smithfield, North Carolina.

I highly recommend stopping there, about 2-3 miles off I-95 for some terrific BBQ.

We thoroughly enjoyed every part of the Combination Platter - BBQ (that's *pulled pork*, yankees), fried chicken, slaw, potato salad, and fantabulous hush puppies. Also, their sweet tea is some of the best, if not the best I've ever had.

The kids behaved angelically considering we did 10 solid hours of driving. While my son did read for a bit and his sister was hard at work with her *art*....I did let them watch three movies on the DVD player - Narnia, Harry and the Hendersons, a SpongeBob video, and one other one that I can't remember. You see we have that DVD player built-in with the Tahoe that comes with headphones. Furthermore, it has *channels* so I can listen to the radio aloud while they listen to the movie (or CD) through their headphones.  This feature is nothing short of HUGE for long trips.

I'd say that I enjoyed yet another benefit of starving my kids of color TV. When they get a chance to watch something, anything, like they did yesterday....they become very excited. I'd imagine a kid who gets to watch that crap all the time might have started kicking my seat during a 10-hour drive.

We crashed at a $30/night Motel 6, where I'm typing this, that I must say is positively DISGUSTING. And for me to say that is really something. Thank God my wife isn't here as she'd have me pack up and find another place to stay!

For one thing, this *non-smoking* room smells like crap. Probably someone smoked in it (often the *help*!) and so they nuked it with some explosive, cheap air-freshener or something. One bed had burrs stuck on the covers and it had cigarette burn holes through it. There's no refrigerator (okay now because it's cold enough outside); there were only three pillows on two double beds; and they only left us half a roll of toilet tissue (1-ply smudger). You get the picture anyway. And believe me....I'm far from a snob in these matters.

That's got to be one of the most Moronic things I've EVER SEEN - a *no smoking* sign placed ON THE BOTTOM of an up-turned ashtray. Way to go Motel 6!

Short 2.333 hour ride today to Orlando - where we'll hang out with a displaced South Philly jabroni and his family.

Then on Wednesday we'll polish off the last four hours of the drive to Naples.

It's supposed to be 78 degrees then!

Snowbirding, Again!

Despite the forces conspiring against me, I managed to pull it off again this year.

Right now I am in a motel outside of Richmond, Virginia with my two homeschooled children.

Having failed to find a rental in Miami, we instead secured one in Naples, Florida.

We'll be staying right on Vanderbilt Beach about 1.5 miles from where we stayed in January 2009.

The plus side is that we got good deal ($2,500 all in) for a 2 BR.

The down-side is that my first wife's office is in Miami. She's still going to work there for a couple of weeks - but we'll spend the weekends together. Then at the end of the month she'll take a week off and we will saunter our way home - visiting family, friends, and perhaps Mickey Mouse in Orlando.

While I was very excited about spending this winter in Miami (South Beach!)....I do know my way around Naples, I have a good friend down there, and Naples is probably a much better all-around place for children, not to mention it's cheaper. In fact my buddy referred to Miami as *like a foreign country*.

Seemingly EVERYONE is nervous about me driving down (23 hours?) by myself, with a 6 year old and a 4 year old in the back seat.  After asserting that she was going to go to bed *early* last night I received an email from my first wife at 1:13am declaring that she *couldn't sleep* and that she was *nervous* about us driving down.

The first day (8 hours) was fine.  The kids watched two movies on the DVD player (I made them at least wait until we got to NJ), the girl napped for two hours, and I allowed the boy to play with my Droid phone - for a while he played chess, then he was permitted to download some free *game apps* provided he figured out how to do it himself.  Of course I only let him download mid-80s Atari games like Pac-Man and Pole Position!

It is tough stopping every 2 hours for childish bathroom breaks.  You'll pass a rest area thinking you can make the next one which is 25 miles away, after all, I'm trying to make time....then you come to a dead stop with congestion or something.  And you pray no one in the backseat bursts!

If memory serves me, I-95 really opens up beyond Richmond - so it should be clear, boring sailing from here onward.

Jacksonville is about 600 miles away.  I don't know if I can reach it today, but we should at least get near, if not to Georgia tonight.

A Large, Devilish Vocabulary

So my son , the 38 lb 6.12 year old Prince, was wrestling with one of my extremely obese cousins (a medical professional!) during Christmas-related festivities.

In one particular move, my cousin cruelly rolled the full burden of his corpulence on top of my little guy. The Prince screamed, jumped out, and hollered with a pointed finger, "YOU FIEND!"

Hah! Only a couple of people in the room were familiar with the term fiend ("devil, demon").

But I guess that's to be expected when - with no color TV or video games available - a kid reads science fiction and fantasy books all day long.

Just before Christmas he read THREE Charlie Bone books - a jaw-dropping total of 1,200 pages - in a 10 day period.

Some Serious Levity

Methinks the most impressive thing about it was....getting so many adults to keep a straight face throughout!

Stealth Insanity?

A couple weeks ago I mentioned the discovery that I was grinding my teeth.

Well I bought that $325 mouth-guard and have been wearing it at night.

Guess what....it's not so bad.

But one thing I've noticed is that it sort of induces me to bite down a lot; it induces me to GRIND MY TEETH.

I've noticed that throughout the day, I keep biting down hard when I do things.

For example, with every jab and toss of the snow shovel yesterday, I would bite down hard. I tried to stop BUT COULD NOT.

It's not only driving me nuts like a long spell of the hiccups, it's got me genuinely worried now. I mean it when I say that I simply cannot stop biting down.

Those freakin' dentists will say that I was probably doing it all along and that I just now noticed. They'll insist that the mouth-guard did not CAUSE me to start chomping down.  Yeah, and birth control does not abet extra-marital relations!

Whatever. For the sake of argument, say they are right. Now how am I going to stop grinding my teeth away to nothing?

Everything I've Googled (and heard from the dentist) said that nocturnal grinding is caused by *psychological* reasons. It must be, right?

I started discussing this with my first wife and she exclaimed that I was indeed incredibly stressed out, even if completely unaware.

And I started thinking...

Yeah, living here for the past 7 months in a cluttered house with my freaking crazy MIL hasn't exactly been a *high chi* event.

Since we moved back to NY, Mrs. C-Nut is almost never home before 8:30pm despite taking the 6:22am or 6:48am train in. So we're both, in a sense, working 14 hour days; me with the kids and her with corporate financial BS.

We endured the hottest summer NY's had in 100 years WITHOUT meaningful air conditioning.

I spent the Fall driving all over Long Island, in typical horrible traffic(!), to *organized* activities for my kids. This was really my first experience as a scurrying parental cab driver - soccer and my son's CCD in the middle of the town's worst intersection, AT RUSH HOUR, have been my driving nemeses. It can take me 17 minutes just to PULL OUT OF THE CHURCH PARKING LOT.

While I did hit a bunch of range balls this year (13,000?), that was pretty much my only recreation. I only got to play 18 holes ONCE in NY since we moved back - even if it was Bethpage.

As I went down the *negatives* list, the argument in favor of stealth insanity really started gaining steam.

My wife added, "IT HAS NOT BEEN FUN, AT ALL, LIVING HERE" and "I've been smoking 5 cigarettes a week..."

What? When?

She's apparently sneaking out at work to smoke with co-workers. I made her quit that disgusting Moronic habit, COMPLETELY, 8 years ago!

And she asserted that she's had even *less vacation* than I have over the past year or so.

Mrs. C-Nut is definitely not in a good place mentally these days.

But I may not be either. Despite my claims to the contrary, I may be a victim of self-delusion on top of everything else.

I've had my share of ups and downs financially and with my broken back over the years...

However, through it all I've always been able to keep my head up, count my blessings, and focus on the future. Hopefully soon my wife's workload will ease; my MIL is moving to her new apartment as I type this, albeit one packed shoebox at a time; and hopefully we'll soon be more settled here on go-go Long Island.

In the meantime, the last thing I need is another health problem to worry about.

I told my wife that I HAVE TO GO TO FLORIDA, NOW. I just have to get in the car and go - figure it out on the road if need be. I could not secure a place in Miami....so now, much to my first wife's chagrin, I'm considering the more snowbird-friendly Naples, again. Recall that she has an office in Miami so she could spend more time down there. Otherwise she might not see the kids much this month.

Oh yeah, the kids...

Well they haven't been to a park or spent any meaningful time outside in 2 months. In Florida they will be back to daily park trips, swimming, etc.

One of the MAJOR REASON we do in fact homeschool is so that we can snowbird in Florida - so I'll get there one way or another, even if I have to squat at family and friends' houses all over the State, next month.

My wife added,

"It's not just the past 7 months that have been hell....we spent the six months before that fighting with our (scumbag) landlord!"

Indeed. I had almost forgotten about that.

Not at all eager to rehash that nightmare, I'll just post a generic link to my eviction chronicles.

Ordinary, Forgiven Clinton Quote

"African Americans watch the same news at night that ordinary Americans do."

Apparently he said that on BET color TV back in the 90s.

It is amazing, the passes people favored by Big Media get compared to the hell it gives it's bogeymen.

Without a doubt Bill Clinton could freely criticize the *headiness* of Philadelphia Eagle quarterbacks - unlike, for example, that Limbaugh guy.

Did y'all see that game last night - Michael Vick running around with only a fingertip grip on the ball?

Those poor Eagle fans; they'll be forever teased and invariably let-down in the playoffs by flashy yet *ordinary* quarterbacks.

Dissing School

Watch the first four or five minutes of lil' Tupac:

Even a street-wise mofo rapper knows that school is a joke!

The Optimistic Take

I've always been partial to the apocalyptic...

My bullion is buried up in NH; and I just bought 6 cans of Progresso Soup today.

See my OLD post - The End-of-the-World Trade.

Class Action Lawyers - Drooling Over Sperm

According to author Tim Ferriss, male sperm counts are roughly half of what they were 50-60 years ago.

That could be due to a variety of factors, of course: sedentary living, diet, vaccinations(!), etc.

But get this, Ferriss mentioned in his new book that when he removed his cell phone from his pocket....that his sperm count doubled or something!

Of course there are *studies* that say it's not true and you Morons (many of whom shouldn't be procreating in the first place) are certainly free to believe them.

There are no warnings on these cordless cellphones - not that I've seen anyway. And even if there were I don't think it'd constitute a legal prophylactic.

So I expect the John Edwards-types to one day be going after the deep pockets of Verizon, AT&T, Apple, Research in Motion, et al down the road.

See also - Aging - A Downhill Death Spiral.

Better Blogging Chronicles 11 - Envy

Boy, would I like to parrot this amazing parrot story!

Of course, things like this are tougher to do now since the make-money-online formula has been widely broadcast - tougher, but by no means impossible.

One would almost be a Moron not to try, no?

See also my index of - Better Blogging Chronicles.

Pooped From Paganized Christmas Festivities

I just got home today from 4 days at my parents' place in arctic Massachusetts.

I was met by 2 feet of snow in my driveway that needed to be shoveled.

That was on top of the 12 inches I had to help remove from my parents' house; AND I also helped shovel out my BIL's cars in Connecticut this afternoon. He had thrown out his back.

1.5 weeks ago I picked up my brother at the airport and since then it's been non-stop eating, drinking, entertaining, shopping, wrapping, unwrapping, and driving all over the place.

To say that my *productivity* suffered is to put it mildly. And I'm freakin' exhausted.

I'm supposed to be on the road to Miami now except that I haven't been able to secure a place to my liking as of yet. Of course there are tons of places to rent down there - given the imploding economy and the *overdevelopment* - except that these condo owners mortgagers are too Moronic to consider reality-based bids.

For example:

I emailed some guy - actually a bunch - with my standard questions, "Do you have internet?" and "If you would consider $2,500 for the month of January, please let me know."

The knuckle-head CALLS me back:

CaptiousNut - Wait, I've contacted a lot of people. How much are you looking for?

KnuckleHead - It's $3,200 for January.

CaptiousNut - I'm sure in my email I told you my price point was $2,500.

KnuckleHead - Well, you're never going to find a 2 bedroom for $2,500....maybe a studio...

CaptiousNut - Okay. It's December 26th, right? And you're not rented, right?

KnuckleHead - Yeah.

CaptiousNut - How about considering that YOU'RE NEVER GOING TO RENT YOUR CONDO, for January, for $3,200?

What pissed me off as much as his demonstrable stupidly was the fact that HE CALLED ME. The whole point of my emailed bid was to avoid conversations like that.

Then I had another one right after him. It was some woman who wouldn't answer any of my questions "Internet?" and "What price?" over email. She's just like my MIL. They do this so they can *screen* people over the phone. Whatever. I took her call and eventually she got around to telling me how much she wanted for her 2 BR condo on Key Biscayne:

DumbRealEstateWoman - It's $4,000 for the month.

CaptiousNut - Well, I'm looking to spend only $2,500 a month....my wife has me on a budget. (laughing)

DumbRealEstateWoman - It's *the season*. That's what it costs.

CaptiousNut - But the place is unrented still for January, right? It's December 26th...

DumbRealEstateWoman - I have two other people that are very interested. One is just about to take it.

CaptiousNut - So it sounds like you're all set then. You don't need me. (I'm trying to get off the phone)

DumbRealEstateWoman - Listen, I'm in the real estate business. It's THE SEASON. $4,000 is the going rate...

CaptiousNut - But you're not rented right? (still trying to hang up)

DumbRealEstateWoman - I'm a broker. I've been in real estate for 17 years.

CaptiousNut - So what? I've been in the real estate business for many years also. (slight embellishment!)

CaptiousNut - Look, keep my number and if you change your mind call me back. My price is $2,500. Thanks.

These fools would rather be unrented than step down in price!!!

The thing is, any deal they give a last-minute lowballer like myself would COST THEM NOTHING. It'd be a 100% private transaction. They could still hold out for their fantasy rates going forward.

For point of reference, 2 years ago I paid $2,200 for a typical 2 BR condo in Naples for the month of January - another last-minute, lowball situation.

Now Miami is more expensive than Naples, by a little, and I could very easily pay the *going rate* for a month down there.

But I always have my price points and I stick to them. Heck, an extra $1,000 is 5 days at Disney or a new computer for my Princess. Or new golf clubs for me!

A month in Miami is surely worth 4k but I can't pay it, not on December 28th, to one of these buffoons, on principle alone!

I'll talk more about this process as it unfolds.

Right now I'm going to try to get some rest.

Don't Ask....She'll Cry And You Might Be Abetting Murder

I've Marginalized a lot of people over the years on this blog.

But one sub-population that I've forgotten to indict consists of those - mostly women - who run up to my wife and ask her what I gave her for Christmas, Valentine's Day, Mother's Day, our anniversary, or her birthday.

The fact that I usually bought her next-to-nothing is between me and her. So please don't throw gasoline on the fire. Thanks. It's not my fault she's impossible to buy for and has ZERO hobbies.

One of the differences between us is that when I say I don't want anything for (fill in the blank holiday) I ACTUALLY MEAN IT.

One of the numerous side benefits of reading the Bible and becoming more spiritual is that I can skimp on gifts even more now, deprecating the rank commercialization of Jesus' birthday.

I don't believe in indiscriminate season's greetings.

So Merry Christmas to SOME of y'all out there.

Cheap Music?

Do any of y'all buy MP3s online?

If so, could someone tell me how much they cost and where the best place to buy them is?

Don't laugh, but I have no clue. A Google took me to iomoio.com which says they sell songs for 16 cents apiece. That sounds pretty good to me and would impel me to actually buy an MP3 player, docking station, and start amassing some music.

And it leaves me wondering why anyone would spent 99 cents a song on iTunes - if that's what it costs.

Living With The MlL Chronicles 7 - Grand Finale?

Well it's been a long and interesting 7 months living under the same roof (hers) as my MIL.

But this week she *closed* on her new condo and is slowly, though eagerly, starting the process of moving her stuff out.

Her plan all along was to vacate and leave the house for us but it temporarily changed when we moved in. Back then it seemed like she had changed her mind and was going to cohabitate here with us.

She spent most of this brutally hot summer out in the Hamptons but when she came back I think she reverted to her original plan of moving to this fancy shmancy retirement community.

I could elaborate, colorfully(!), a whole lot more but will just leave it at that - for the moment. Anyone who is thinking about living with their MIL or own mother....shoot me an email on the side and I'll helpfully intervene.

The house is very big here, almost too big for the four of us; it needs a lot of TLC/renovation but should be spectacular before long. I expect the entire next year to be filled with household projects. In fact I may even do a walk-through with my camera and post the floor plan to solicit ideas from y'all.

See also:

Living With The MIL Chronicles 1

Living With The MIL Chronicles 2 - Off The Hook Phone Ringing

Living With The MIL Chronicles 3 - Already Over?

Living With The MIL Chronicles 4 - Leading 'Old Coots' To Water

Living With The MIL Chronicles 5 - What is it?

Living With The MIL Chronicles 6 - Kitchen Scrapyard