Wednesday, May 19, 2010

Eviction Chronicles - Parting Gifts

Every few weeks I get an email *reminder*.

It helpfully reminds me that [my scumbag landlord] has invited me to join Facebook! Can you believe that?

This is so ridiculous that I should probably just go along - join and *friend* him!

Actually, I have long joked that I won't join until you can *foe* someone through the site. De-friending just doesn't go far enough for me.

So, what did I do on my way out of the house last week?

Well, for one thing I procured a telescoping light bulb changer and de-bulbed all the recessed lighting. I say 'why not' - the light bulbs cost nearly $5 apiece AND I paid for them. At the time I was pretty sure that scumbag was planning on moving back into the house. Let him go out and spend the money to replace 40 bulbs!

I also went back and forth with a notion to jack up the water bill. Since he's already declared bankruptcy (and I already paid for his last 9 months of water) every incremental drop of water would be on him. At one point I just let the faucet in a bathroom run constantly - until someone warned me that it could back up the septic tank. They helpfully advised me to *run the outside faucet*. But I thought of this idea too late and wasn't fully committed to it. Every time he pulled up in the driveway I had to sneak out and turn the water off. Like I said, on this one I went 'back and forth'. But it's sage advice for other disgruntled tenants. Run the water and stiff your landlord because there's almost nothing they can do to stop you.

I might have accidentally packed the garbage disposal lids - the kind that need to be engaged to activate the disposal...

I pulled out the water filter from the refrigerator. There was no way I was going to allow this scumbag to come back into the bank's house and enjoy a cold glass of filtered water from the door of the fridge. That thing cost an annoying $35 - annoying because it had to be mail-ordered.

A friend suggested I buy a dozen eggs and deposit them deep into the air conditioning vents. This way the stench of rotten eggs, after some time, would fill the entire house and be impossible to pinpoint. Though I absolutely loved the idea, I wimped out because I wasn't 100% sure the Moron was going to re-squat at this essentially taxpayer-owned house.

Other small stuff: the movers *helped* themselves to a few small items, we left the house without vacuuming a floor or wiping down a counter - believe me it was filthy, several large items that we didn't want were simply unmoved, I forgot to leave the key to the side door - a key that I'm sure my landlord didn't have a copy of (how much does it cost to change locks?), like a twit I locked the bedroom doors on my way out, I made sure to remove the bulbs from the basement and then I cut the power of that circuit-breaker thing - whatever it's called. Let him figure it all out with flashlight in that flooded, rodent-filled basement!

I'll bet y'all are thinking that I totally wussed out - and you're right. What I did was nothing compared to what I contemplated: taking a hammer to the granite countertops, absconding with the appliances, breaking windows, etc. Screw this guy, right?

But if he potentially wasn't going to move back in, and if the bank was just going to auction it off (again!) soon then what could possibly be the point? All I might be doing is opening myself up (more) to some annoying future lawsuit.

There were a few things that I heard about my former abode today over email that piqued my curiosity and my still-simmering anger, yet seconds later my blood returned to 98.6 degrees and my pulse-rate to my normal 58 bpm.

I've moved on - literally, figuratively, AND emotionally.

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