Viral Teenage Pooping Advice

In less than a week it's got 3 million views!

Not for nuthin...

How about washing hands???

I can't for the life of me get my 8 year old daughter to wash her hands - not even after taking a dump.

And guys....they never wash their hands after going to the loo, no matter what number they deposited.

As much as I'd like to scream at my daughter...

I recall that as a youth I used to get yelled at by my mother for not washing up.

Then I got wise. I simply ran the sink hard for a few seconds so she could hear it outside the bathroom door!

Dumb Lazy, Rotten Kids....Googling

Ha!

The poor kid must be....Chinese.

If not, I'll bet he is short and has straight black hair nonetheless.

Recall that I did "make" my kids do those Kumon math books.

See - From Counting to Algebra - A Simply Recipe.

But John went through them quickly (1.5 years?) - at least through Grade 6. And Chrissy started out with them, but I had her do some different stuff too.

What I discovered, when I found the above search results, was that Kumon has apparently expanded beyond Grade 6. Hence the irate dumb kid.

And there's more Kumon whining - here - albeit from people that don't know squat about math.

Here's what I discovered my OWN TWO kids secretly Googling on their mother's iPad yesterday afternoon:

Self-Destructive Morons

Lot of competition here....but for some reason I'm partial to the dude at the 47 second mark on the spinning ride. I mean what a (bleepin') dumb@ss!

The *Fake-Analysis* Is The Best

Whenever you need a laugh (or a cry)....just take a gander at the YouTube comments for any highly-viewed, viral type of video. It never fails!

They Will Die!

Euthanize Teens?

I vote *YES*...

Throw Her Out!

It's coming at me from everywhere....but I saw it on Laura Grace Weldon's stream first.

Really, 25 million views in a week???!!!

The thing is....punishment like this at age 15 really won't/doesn't work.  These parents lost their daughter to the *youth culture* a long time ago.  This is what *school* does to families and generations - it estranges them from each other.

See also - Complete Book Review - Hold On To Your Kids.

Dumbest Male On Earth?

Parental Discrimination

If you can't read this gem, click the image to enlarge:

Hah!

You know, the parents are still to blame. They are the ones who raised this spoiled, Moronic monster in the first place! Forgive my skepticism but somehow I don't think a momentary lapse of pseudo-discipline is going to do anything here.

At my son's soccer game the other day, one 6 year old brat was handed a water bottle by his father/coach...

The kid, unsatisfied with the offering for some reason, indignantly smacked it out of his father's hand right in front of the entire team AND all the other parents.

Unmoved, the father picked up the bottle and held it out anew.

The twit smacked it to the ground again and then booted it out on to the field for good measure.

Incredibly, the father didn't say a word or react one bit.

Meanwhile I myself was about to reach out and belt this little jerk. I'm sure he too, soon, will have a cordless cell phone paid for by his parents among many other perks.

Tragically, where we live/have lived, in these wealthy towns you see this behavior all day long, everyday. It's bad enough that most of the stay-at-home moms don't value juvenile discipline, but many of the dads are pushovers too.

When I was younger, I used to try and avoid consorting with unjustified braggarts, hypersensitive folk, dullards, and losers. (A$$holes didn't really bother me.)

But these days I find myself most repelled by *bad parents*. I quite frankly don't want to be anywhere near them, their kids, and I most definitely don't want my kids socializing with their kids.

Quite often we will meet some locals; they will become enamored of my wife and I (no shock there!); they will make some social overture towards us; and I will tell Mrs. C-Nut, "There's no way in hell I'll be chinking glasses with them at some restaurant."

There are millions of people here in the New York Metro area....so there's hardly a need to *settle* even the slightest in the socialization department.

The downside of course is....traffic!

I Would Have Been Deadly...

...if they had digital cameras back in my college years!

One For The 'Old Coots'!

'Old Coots' + Dumb Kids

From Sir Ken Robinson's The Element:

The other institution is the Grace Living Center, a retirement home.

Over the next few months, the district established a preschool and kindergarten classroom in the heart of Grace Living Center. Surrounded by clear glass walls (with a gap at the top to allow the sounds of the children to filter out), the classroom sits in the foyer of the main building. The children and their teachers go to school there every day as though it were any other classroom. Because it's in the foyer, the residents walk past it at least three times per day to get to their meals.

As soon as the class opened, many of the residents stopped to look through the glass walls at what was going on. The teachers told them that the children were learning to read. One by one, several residents asked if they could help. The teachers were glad to have the assistance, and they quickly set up a program called Book Buddies. The program pairs a member of the retirement home with one of the children. The adults listen to the children read, and they read to them.

The program has had some remarkable results. One is that the majority of the children at the Grace Living Center are outperforming other children in the district on the state's standardized reading tests. More than 70 percent are leaving the program at age five reading at third-grade level or higher. But the children are learning much more than how to read. As they sit with their book buddies, the kids have rich conversations with the adults about a wide variety of subjects, and especially about the elders' memories of their childhoods growing up in Oklahoma. The children ask about how big iPods were when the adults were growing up, and the adults explain that their lives really weren't like the lives that kids have now. This leads to stories about how they lived and played seventy, eighty, or even ninety years ago. The children are getting a wonderfully textured social history of their hometowns from people who have seen the town evolve over the decades. Parents are so pleased with this extracurricular benefit that a lottery is now required because the demand for the sixty available desks is so strong.

Something else has been going on at the Grace Living Center, though: medication levels there are plummeting. Many of the residents on the program have stopped or cut back on their drugs.

Why is this happening? Because the adult participants in the program have come back to life. Instead of whiling away their days waiting on the inevitable, they have a reason to get up in the morning and a renewed excitement about what the day might bring. Because they are reconnecting with their creative energies, they are literally living longer.

There's something else the children learn. Every now and then, the teachers have to tell them that one of their book buddies won't be coming any more; that this person has passed. So the children come to appreciate at a tender age that life has its rhythms and cycles, and that even the people they become close to are part of that cycle.

In a way, the Grace Living Center has restored an ancient, traditional relationship between the generations...

Wow, right?

Now I don't know that 'old coots', e.g. grandparents, reading to youngsters and spending time with them constitutes the restoration of an ANCIENT TRADITION. After all, it's only been a few decades since the welfare state and entitlements severed the generations.

And imagine that - one-on-one reading promotes literacy! Who knew?

The reduction in drug demand/supply however was a little more astonishing. But seriously, today kids need drugs (ADHD, etc.) in order to suffer through government school....so it shouldn't be a shock that 'old coots' and 'old bags' sheltered from life (family, familiar places, youngsters, etc.) need medication to make it through their dreary days as well.

I enjoyed reading The Element because it was full of various interesting success stories: Paul McCartney, Julia Child, Ridley Scott, Vidal Sassoon, etc.

Although overall the book was a failure, tantamount to a long fly ball caught in centerfield.

Robinson is, at his core, a government education guy. While he nails a ton of arguments against today's school systems....he botches the prescription big time. In fact he doesn't prescribe much at all other than the *idea* that kids need to devote time and energy to their personal passions. But how are they possibly going to do that when burdened with 8 hours of school (including commute) and a few more hours of homework (THE proof that time in school is wasted!)?

He asserts that *the arts* should be promoted back to parity with math and verbal subjects. SNOOZzzzze.

Let me put it this way - in a 200+ page book on *education*....Ken Robinson didn't mention or even indirectly allude to *parents* or *family* A SINGLE TIME. Like I said, he's an institutional guy all the way. He actually makes his living advising governments on matters of education so don't expect him to stand up anytime soon and start singing the virtues of NON-GOVERNMENT schooling.

But a book doesn't have to be perfect, nor an author pure to be worth your time. If your library has it...

And give credit where it's due, his video was absolutely terrific.

Robinson DID NOT homeschool his kids. And this may sound chauvinistic but I just don't know that ANYONE, certainly I couldn't, can appreciate the full bounty of a parentally-directed education unless they themselves have walked down that path, and nurtured the minds of their own little ones. To this sub-population, homeschooling will forever remain at best a mere theory, a hypothesis even - and at worst it's a personal attack on their low, school-certified self-esteem.

Dumb Sober Okie

So Saturday night at a bar in NYC I find an Oklahoma driver's license.

Hmmmmm...

The place is packed, I'm busy enjoying my manly beer, I'm catching up with a good friend, and really don't feel like looking around the bar to see if he's nearby.

Eventually I leave and take it with me - rationalizing that this 25 year old Moron from Okalahoma ought be taught a lesson about what should be his MOST VALUED POSSESSION.

Hmmmmm...

You know, I could sell this thing for $100, or $200 here in wealthy NYC, in a heartbeat.

I could have my high school nephew or niece do the brokering very easily. Heck, my 15 year-old nephew himself might want it since he and the Moron bear a certain facial likeness.

But alas, if I did that, you just know some underage kid would use the ID, buy, get drunk, and run someone over. AND I'd probably get found out, hung by my testicles, and go to jail or something in this (bleeped)-up world we live in.

Bummer.

Can't sell hot dogs on the street or taxi people to the airport without a *license*, can't open a restaurant without building a handicap ramp and meeting a hundred other costly ordinances, and one can't peddle a single misplaced driver's license...

I messaged the guy on MyFaceSpace.com last night.

If he responds, I'm going to tell him I want $17.99 before mailing it to him.  Heck, this Wednesday is the biggest drinking night of the year for his demo...

Suing For Cause?

DOVER, N.H.—A New Hampshire high school student shocked so severely in shop class that his heart stopped beating is suing his teacher, the school district and the city of Dover.

Kyle Dubois and his parents claim teacher Thomas Kelley did not warn Dubois and other students of the dangers of the electrical demonstration cords in their electrical trades class.

On March 11, Dubois attached an electrical clamp to one nipple while another student attached another clamp to the other. A third student plugged in the cord.

Dubois was critically injured.

The New Hampshire Union Leader says Dubois' suit contends he suffered permanent brain damage.

Brain damage?

It'll be for a jury to decide, of course, but I don't know how they are going to discern *pre-existing* brain damage from whatever additional might have resulted from the auto-electro-nipplification!

Plus I'm right sure our own West Coast Tom has indulged in this activity, many times over the years, with ZERO noticeable effects...

Valuation Incompetence

Nice chair, right?

Well my MIL has a *Buy It Now* price of $10 on it. So far it's survived not one, not two, but THREE successive yard sales.

No takers for a yellow-cushioned, solitary chair, I guess. The market has spoken.

At that point one must figure it's worth south of $10 - perhaps a whopping $3.69 ???

Around here, if you put it - or anything - on the corner, an undocumented migrant worker (or hoarding 'old coot') will relieve you of it within the hour. So why not take advantage of that free junk removal service?

And at the other end of the *valuation incompetence* spectrum you have the spoiled 'young coots' like those kids I mentioned before and....my nieces and nephews.

They *forget* and leave behind laptops, iPods, and cellphones like you wouldn't believe.

For example, a week ago my nephew left his car in the driveway - which will be here indefinitely - with the doors all unlocked, the GPS up on the windshield, AND his iPod visible right there in the front seat.

Of course I could have taken those items out of the car and secured them inside.

BUT I don't believe in *bailouts* or interfering with natural justice!  Perhaps the anonymous migrants who cut the lawn would more highly value his MP3 player?

It's a shame wealth, entitlements, and Big Education have successfully severed the links between generations.

Because the Depression-era 'old coots' could teach the kids a thing or two about the *cyclical* nature of the economy.

And because the 'new coots' could teach the *nappers* and *droolers* about decluttering and the bounty of cheap modern technology.

LEAVING Your Ball....And Going Home

So today I headed out to a playground in one of the tony suburbs on Boston's South Shore...

While there was no one anywhere near the basketball court, there were THREE abandoned basketballs just sitting there on the periphery.

I think, though I can't find it, I blogged on this topic before - rich kids leaving jackets and lunch boxes behind at school. I remember the enormous pile that used to grow each spring at the Edith Baker Elementary schoolyard in Brookline, Massachusetts. How do moms nannies not notice a missing winter coat?!

Not only were there three lonely basketballs laying there today, I also found a pretty nice football on the adjacent field. That I threw in my trunk; AND I had a notion to round up all three b-balls as well. These Moron kids need to be taught a lesson. They shouldn't darn well be able to just go back the next day and use their ball again.

This isn't just a once-in-a-while phenomena. Go to the edge of the local basketball court and you'll find, everyday, loose change (quarters!) that these teeny-boppers discard. The funny thing is, I once tried to get my son to fill his pockets with it but he wasn't the least bit interested in a measly couple of bucks as he's well aware that the printing press is running full-blast!

And nearby at the baseball fields....some kid left his shiny bike leaning against the fence for what had to be 6 weeks. It was on a main road to boot. I can't tell you how many times I threatened to pull over, claim it, and teach the irresponsible punk a lesson. I sure hope someone else took it!

The Fine Art Of Correspondence - Texting

Those are from upstart website textsfromlastnight.com - which is probably a multi-million dollar windfall that was conspired on the back of a napkin.

The content is user-generated and in copious supply. It's extremely lewd and appeals to the crass voyeur in all of us. In fact, it took quite a while for me to find a couple *clean enough* to post on this here FAMILY blog!



Great retort from that chick, no?

Thanks to aupanner for the look on this site....unless I get addicted to it!

Marginalizing My Nephew

Last week or so, my 13/14 year old nephew asked me if I could get him a discount on a computer.

"I don't know," I snapped, accurately sensing incoming nonsense. These punks are always scamming to *get something*.

"I guess, your aunt can get you a 10% discount at Dell through her work. Why?"

Nephew - Because I want to buy a laptop. Can she get a discount at Apple?

CaptiousNut - No.....why?

Nephew - I want a Mac.....It costs LIKE $1,000.

CaptiousNut - First of all, why do you need a Mac? This computer I am using right now (a Sony) costs $600.

Nephew - Macs are better....they don't get viruses.

[Mind you, that was coming from a kid who's helped ruin a bevy of computers his grandfather had bought for him and his siblings. They all died because of spyware (from games) and viruses (from file sharing).]

CaptiousNut - How much money do you have right now?

Nephew - I have $500. Can you get me the Mac and I will pay you the rest after my birthday?

CaptiousNut - Let met get this straight, assuming somehow, someone gives you $500 for your birthday (which was total, rank BS by the way), you want to spend every penny you have on a laptop?

I terminated the conversation there because the inanity had passed my tolerance threshold.

We all have Moronic nephews. They are allowed to be somewhat flighty at that age. But still, 14 year olds used to be itching for their own acreage; itching to sever the yoke of paternal authority and strike out on their own; itching for a bride. Heck, for thousands of years these *young men* contributed financially to the household AND fought in wars!

Now, they are shiftless nothings. They are lazy, disrespectful, entitled, and profoundly clueless about the planet they live on.

Of course, it ain't their fault. We have to blame their parents and the Baby Boomers who raised them.

AND, to be fair to these culprits....their negligence was a direct symptom of the *times*. This country got so wealthy that it stopped working, stopped growing, and stopped innovating.

Instead, it opted for consumption and redistribution....and wanton self-amusement.

Dumb Kid Versus Wild

Read the follow-up to Another Massachusetts Moron and watch the video news coverage here.

He sank several times into mountain runoff that was hidden beneath waist-deep snow.

"The runoff was about 2 1/2 feet deep and probably running 30 mph," he said. "The guides confirmed I could have gotten sucked in if I had fallen all the way in, and I would have been gone."

Saturday and Sunday nights, Mason crawled beneath snow-covered pine trees and hunkered down in a bivvy sack, a waterproof sleeping bag shell. To keep warm, he started fires with a hand sanitzer gel.

"You can put it right on what you are burning, and even on the snow you can make a fire," he said. "I was able to make a fire just because I ripped down some big evergreen branches."

Three feet of snow sounded pretty dangerous to me....but on top of semi-frozen rapids??? Holy poop!

If the *Vesus Wild* reference is lost on you...

Read my posts - Man Versus Wild and Man Verus Wild Versus Captious Fools.

Another Massachusetts Moron

Mason left the Appalachian Mountain Club's Pinkham Notch Visitor Center near Gorham at about 8:30 a.m. Saturday after telling staff there that he planned to hike 17 miles in one day along the Appalachian Trail, over the summits of Mount Washington and Mount Madison.

link

17 miles in one day over two mountains?

The article also said at one point he had to wade through *3 feet of snow*.

If it wasn't unseasonably warm (90 in Boston today, 85 or so on Saturday and Sunday), mightn't this dumb kid be dead?

Maybe he knew the forecast going in?

Whatever....I just don't see the risk/reward for this crap. Can't he tote a GPS device or a cell phone or something? Or would that be considered *cheating*?

It's one thing to risk *money*, quite another to risk *life and limb*.

See also - Unconscious Morons.