When To Say "When"

One thing that you see in London that you'd NEVER see in the States is all these people drinking GLASSES of beer out on the sidewalks (outside the pubs).

You'd never see it because our liability lawyers would require plastic, unbreakable cups.

In the UK glass is okay because the drinks cost so much and the people are so poor....that they wouldn't dare drop a beer!

I see glasses out on the street once in a while.

I know I myself use to walk out of bars in Philly with half-drunk beers under my coat, concealed under my shirt, stuck in my trousers on my lower back, etc.

I saw this particular glass near a pub the other day and figured my blog readers would LOVE To see it.

Obviously the dude (broad?) didn't want to stop drinking even though it was clearly time.

What a polite bloke, though...confining the chunks to his glass!

I remember once I was at a bar on 38th and Chestnut in Philly....

I accidentally knocked over a plastic cup at a crowded bar and smelled something very foul.

My buddy told me that he had puked in that cup!

He was one of those rare, messed-up dudes who could puke....and yet still be able to continue drinking.

When I puked, I was done for the night - and probably for the next night.

And whatever it was that I drank, if it was a little exotic....I might not ever drink it again.

I drank a lot back in the day, back in my deformative years in Philly.

My puke incidents were probably less that 8 in my entire drinking career.

See also - Jerry Seinfeld's Non-Vomit Streak.

Can't Live On Beer Alone?

Or can you?

Not for nuthin' but one of my South Philly golf jabronis has lived for years - if not DECADES - almost exclusively on Coors Light.

Expedited Justice

Ouch! That's pretty tough to watch more than once - for me anyway.

Speaking of face-plants...

Last night Mrs. C-Nut over-ate, over-danced, over-sung (karaoke), and was most definitely OVER-SERVED.

Understand that the real reason people drive *under the influence* is that NO ONE WANTS TO BE SOBER and amidst a bunch of drunks.

And that essentially described my plight yesterday - I only drank a handful of those masculine beers so that someone could drive past the ever-present cops on our suburban roads.

But my drunk-as-a-skunk first wife begged me to hit another watering-hole on the way home. At 12:30am, having been out for almost 5 hours, I had no interest in another stop - especially with this sloppy broad. But she was begging me in such a manner that I had to gauge what would be worse - skipping the bar and dealing with her belligerent whining? - or going there and dealing with her prolonged inebriation?

Against my better judgment we stopped. After she inhaled two more Kettle and tonics we left with a flair.

As Mrs. C-Nut stepped from the parking lot onto the street, she did a slow-motion face-plant. She left her arms akimbo - not even attempting to break her fall. Though only a foot away, I didn't so much as flinch. Never interfere with *justice*, right?

So there she was, facedown on the pavement, arms dangling, and her hindquarters sticking so far up in the air I thought I was watching a yoga video. I had never seen such a sight - and probably neither did the open-mouthed cop that was driving by. But his shock may have been provoked by my indifference more than her spill. I didn't ask her how she was or even help her get up. It was a long night, I can be one cold bastard, AND Valentines Day wasn't until tomorrow! She looked like a freakin' seal or something - completely balanced on her face.

So we get home and in the light I could see that her nose was banged up good.

The rather large cut in her nose seemed almost surreal. I mean, the specific part of the bridge of her nose that was scratched was GEOMETRICALLY INACCESSIBLE to the pavement - or so I thought.

She spent the next hour hanging over the toilet, although to no avail. God apparently wanted to punish her all night.

And this morning, we discovered that her nose was not only scratched, but immensely swollen.

Chauvinistic Truth Inversion

I found this one amusing on account that is 100% pure SPIN:

Date-Rape Drug

Police are warning all men who frequent clubs, parties & local pubs to be alert and stay cautious when offered a drink by any woman..

Many females use a date-rape-drug on the market called 'Beer '.

The drug is found in liquid form and is available anywhere. It comes in bottles, cans, or from taps and in large kegs.

Beer is used by female sexual predators at parties and bars to persuade their male victims to go home and sleep with them.

A woman needs only to get a guy to consume a few units of Beer and then simply ask him home for no-strings-attached sex.

Men are rendered helpless against this approach. After several Beers , men will often succumb to the desires to sleep with women to whom they would never normally be attracted.

After drinking Beer , men often awaken with only hazy memories of exactly what happened to them the night before, often with just a vague feeling that 'something bad' occurred.

At other times these unfortunate men are swindled out of their life's savings, in a familiar scam known as 'a relationship'... In extreme cases, the female may even be shrewd enough to entrap the unsuspecting male into a longer-term form of servitude and punishment referred to as 'marriage'.

Men are much more susceptible to this scam after Beer is administered and sex is offered by the predatory females..

Please forward this warning to every male you know.

If you fall victim to this 'Beer ' scam and the women administering it, there are male support groups where you can discuss the details of your shocking encounter with similarly victimized men.

For the support group nearest you, just look up 'Golf Courses' in the phone book.

Thanks to the Private Caller clan for this one.

Least Masculine Beer Ever?

I saw this in a store last week. Unbelievable. Pomegranate raspberry, low carb, light beer?

Someone tried to explain to me that, "It's for chicks."

NO. Regular Michelob Ultra is for chicks - though I freely admit to drinking it.

But I have to - to maintain my figure.

Kids And Beer

"BEER" BY SEVEN YEAR OLDS

A handful of 7 year old children were asked 'What they thought
of beer'.

Some interesting responses, but the last one is especially good.

'I think beer must be good. My dad says the more beer he drinks the prettier my mom gets.'
--Tim, 7 years old

'Beer makes my dad sleepy and we get to watch what we want on television when he is asleep, so beer is nice.'
--Mellanie, 7 years old

'My Mom and Dad both like beer. My Mom gets funny when she drinks it and takes her top off at parties, but Dad doesn't think this is very funny.'
--Grady, 7 years old

'My Mom and Dad talk funny when they drink beer and the more they drink the more they give kisses to each other, which is a good thing.'
--Toby, 7 years old

'My Dad gets funny on beer. He is funny. He also wets his pants sometimes, so he shouldn't have too much.
--Sarah, 7 years old

'My Dad loves beer. The more he drinks, the better he dances. One time he danced right into the pool.'
--Lilly, 7 years old

'I don't like beer very much. Every time Dad drinks it, he burns the sausages on the barbecue and they taste disgusting.'
--Ethan, 7 years old

'I give Dad's beer to the dog and he goes to sleep.'
--Shirley, 7 years old

'My Mom drinks beer and she says silly things and picks on my father. Whenever she drinks beer she yells at Dad and tells him to go bury his bone down the street again. But that doesn't make any sense.'
--Jack, 7 years old