Sunday, February 14, 2010

Expedited Justice

Ouch! That's pretty tough to watch more than once - for me anyway.

Speaking of face-plants...

Last night Mrs. C-Nut over-ate, over-danced, over-sung (karaoke), and was most definitely OVER-SERVED.

Understand that the real reason people drive *under the influence* is that NO ONE WANTS TO BE SOBER and amidst a bunch of drunks.

And that essentially described my plight yesterday - I only drank a handful of those masculine beers so that someone could drive past the ever-present cops on our suburban roads.

But my drunk-as-a-skunk first wife begged me to hit another watering-hole on the way home. At 12:30am, having been out for almost 5 hours, I had no interest in another stop - especially with this sloppy broad. But she was begging me in such a manner that I had to gauge what would be worse - skipping the bar and dealing with her belligerent whining? - or going there and dealing with her prolonged inebriation?

Against my better judgment we stopped. After she inhaled two more Kettle and tonics we left with a flair.

As Mrs. C-Nut stepped from the parking lot onto the street, she did a slow-motion face-plant. She left her arms akimbo - not even attempting to break her fall. Though only a foot away, I didn't so much as flinch. Never interfere with *justice*, right?

So there she was, facedown on the pavement, arms dangling, and her hindquarters sticking so far up in the air I thought I was watching a yoga video. I had never seen such a sight - and probably neither did the open-mouthed cop that was driving by. But his shock may have been provoked by my indifference more than her spill. I didn't ask her how she was or even help her get up. It was a long night, I can be one cold bastard, AND Valentines Day wasn't until tomorrow! She looked like a freakin' seal or something - completely balanced on her face.

So we get home and in the light I could see that her nose was banged up good.

The rather large cut in her nose seemed almost surreal. I mean, the specific part of the bridge of her nose that was scratched was GEOMETRICALLY INACCESSIBLE to the pavement - or so I thought.

She spent the next hour hanging over the toilet, although to no avail. God apparently wanted to punish her all night.

And this morning, we discovered that her nose was not only scratched, but immensely swollen.

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