Thursday Night Temptations

Mrs. C-Nut - Can you go upstairs and get me on of those moose temptations?

CaptiousNut - One of those what??

Okay. That's what I heard - moose temptation - and I almost died laughing.

Her new low-fat dessert sounded like, well,...a late-night, no-witnesses-around opportunity(?) at a singles bar. More specifically, in my experience, a *Thursday* night because on Fridays and Saturdays people were generally out with their friends and co-workers and on somewhat better behavior.

It almost goes without saying that there is definitely nothing *60 calorie* about those situations.

And yes, with over 2,000 posts now, I do in fact have a related post link even for this one.

See - When The Music Stopped...

When The Music Stopped....

So Saturday night my buddy and I are enjoying some adult beverages at Crabby Jacks, a joint in Gorham, NH....

There's an amateur DJ blasting some tunes....

And plenty of large, young broads throughout the bar. One of whom was sitting 7.5 feet away from me on a stool, gabbing away with her girlfriend....

One song ended, rather abruptly....

But the 250 pound girl next to me was slow to reduce her speech volume....

I heard, loud and clear:

HE TOLD ME HE JUST WANTED TO GO IN THE BACK DOOR----

My head instantly swiveled, the zaftig one and I made eye contact, and even her friend turned around to assess the damage.

Realizing what I heard, the kiss-and-teller's face went white and I snapped back to my straight-ahead posture. How was I going to react to this one? How was I going to polish this sizable nugget? How, pray tell, was I going to not urinate in my slacks???

I could very well have burst out laughing to aggravate her mortification....

Or, I could engage them in compassionate, mitigating conversation. I might holler over, "No way! Not on the first date!" or "Personally, I prefer the front door".

I could be respectful and act like I heard nothing....

During the 4 seconds in which I dispassionately pondered my reaction, I looked over and saw that the two of them had thrown money on the bar and raced for the exit.

With my options suddenly revoked....all I could do is revel in the moment with my buddy who, most ironically, also happens to have an extensive record of LOUD TALKING inappropriate content after the music has stopped!



Sorry for the raunch folks, but this one was hilarious!

I've got one more crude story from this weekend to relay - but y'all will have to wait for tomorrow.

[Here it is.]

Life On The Ledge

One Dead, One Critical After Fall from Center City Balcony

One man is dead and a woman was battling for her life after police say they accidentally fell from the balcony of a center city Philadelphia apartment.

Philadelphia detectives say a structural defect in the apartment balcony is to blame for the accidental fall, just before 3:00am on Sunday.

According to investigators, a 25-year-old man and an unidentified woman apparently stepped outside their fourth-floor apartment, above Monks Bar in the 200 block of South 16th Street, when a steel railing suddenly gave way as they leaned against it.

Both victims fell four floors to the alleyway below. The man was pronounced dead at the scene. The woman, who was not immediately identified, was listed in very critical condition at Hahnemann University Hospital.

Engineers from the city's Department of Licenses and Inspections were expected to investigate what caused the railing defect.

City inspectors closed Monks for "code violations" in the building where the bar is located.

Ah....Monks, one of my wife and I's favoritist old hangouts. That place is always jam-packed. Don't even think about showing up there hungry, no less on a Thursday-Sunday night expecting a reasonable wait time. Their famous beer book is a veritable tome. Belgians and whatnot I think. I'm not an experimenter in that department, as I only drink domestic macro-brews.

However I will say that the food is tremendous, burgers and fries in particular.

So what were that dude and broad doing on the roof/balcony at 3am???

Smoking no doubt. That's a habit well-known to be health hazardous, right?

I know a guy who was out on a fire escape in Manhattan that also gave way. He fell some 10 stories breaking umpteen bones; furthermore, one of his *boys* got severed on the way down!

Ouch!

Yeah, he was/is a chain smoker.

So get rid of those cancer sticks, will y'all?

Although that might not help - at least according to my golfing partner. He sees smoking as just a manifestation of irremediable stupidity.

And, man do I miss the bars, restaurants, and people in Philly. A buddy of mine is coming into town tomorrow and bar-wise there's pretty much NOWHERE in all of Boston that I feel like taking him.

If we were in Philly....we could find great food, drink, and atmosphere every night somewhere different for a month, at least.

What kills me is seeing those pitiable twentysomething kids in Boston who claim to *love it*. These Morons have no idea how much else is out there. Yet these provincials will be sure to stay here forever....and elect the next set of 40-year-reigning Masshole politicians.

I will find SOME poopy bar to take my buddy this weekend. Then it's off to Kfell country for a little hike during peak NH foliage. Mount Madison most likely.

Then next weekend, I'm off again to Naples, Fl for my annual golf trip. Last year I tried to get a GutterBuddy from Philly to bring me a soggy cheesesteak from the airport. He said he would but didn't - thinking I was kidding, which I WASN'T.

I'll ask him again this year. If he fails next weekend, I'm just going to have to swipe a few (extra) sleeves of Pro V1s out of his bag.



Tomatoes?

Haaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa!!!!!

He probably ordered a *cheesesteak hoagie*....which no one EVER orders.

Reminds me of the time this galactically out-of-touch Moron said his favorite player on the Red Sox was "Manny Ortiz".

There's not a doubt in my mind that if there were a *cheesesteak-soft pretzel-hoagie* on the menu....that John Kerry would have ordered it.

One Lucky Headlight

Friday night we were out boozing with a large group of Desperate Housewives and Bored Wage Slave Husbands.

The bar was only two miles away - by design, mind you - but I volunteered to drive home six stranded people additional to me and my wife. Chevy Suburbans are the best!

Of course I was legally drunk (but THEY were absolutely wasted); and of course the cops were all over our suburban neighborhood, as they are every weekend night, looking for *legally drunk* drivers.

In fact I went right past one laying in the bushes on my way to dropping off a bunch of these Housewives.

Nothing happened. And I took the long way back to avoid him.

But the next morning I noticed that I had a headlight out. Crap, I thought, boy did I get lucky. All they need is an excuse to pull you over.

I miss Philly where everyone on the road is drunk and no one cares.

It's total BS what they do here in tight-a$$ Massachusetts because you can't even get a cab home.

Loser - Definition Updated

All of youse people out there who go into bars on weekends and sit there texting, or Blackberry-ing, I have news for you.

You people are total losers!

I understand that you've got no shot at talking to any broads - or, if a female, that you may be so insecure out without your posse or absent boyfriend that giggling over a phone or PDA is a needed front....

But still, c'mon. One text is fine - but do yourself a favor, don't sit there for 45 minutes straight thumb-typing. Please don't publicly DISPLAY your loserhood.

And, I don't think much of these punks who go to basketball courts but spend all of their *practice time* with a cell phone buried in their ear either!