iMorons, Multiplying

Hah!

At Easter my 10 year old niece said to me, "Hey you have the same phone I have!"

And she did.

The phone only cost $70....to buy, though.

She had a full data/email plan on it.

I remarked that that cost $30 per month. Figure at least another $10 per month for the phone and this little girl's annual telecommunication budget was pushing $500!

MoneybagsSIL - Oh,...I wouldn't even think about the money.

CaptiousUncle - What if she loses it?

MoneybagsSIL - That's what insurance is for!

So she pays for insurance too.

Of course the other daughter has one as well...

Everyone today is so nuts, retarded, and addicted with their phones, I quite frankly don't know what to do or how to deal with it.  Can we escape Earth somehow?

I mean really, was everyone just as dumb and just as loser-ish before cordless cell phones???

'Old Coots' Versus SmartPhones - A Drubbing!

My mother recently told me that she and my father were going to get iPhones!

Son - Why? Are you going to get email and the internet on them?

BiologicalMother - No.

Son - Well then why are you going to get an iPhone? That's what they are for. Almost useless otherwise.

Okay, so then this weekend I saw them again AND they were equipped with iPhones.

Son - Did you get the internet on Dad's phone?

(Dad barely uses email!)

BiologicalMother - No.

BiologicalMother - I mean yes.

Son - You know it's 30 bucks a month, right?

BiologicalMother - The second phone is *included*, it's a family plan.

Son- No it's not. You have Verizon, right?

BiologicalMother - Yeah.

Son - It's $30 per month, per phone for data.

BiologicalMother - My sister said it was all included.

Son - Yeah, for $30 a month, per phone, it's INCLUDED. Is your sister getting a sales commission?

BiologicalMother - (silence)

Son - How much is your bill going to be?

BiologicalMother - $123 (?)

Son - There it is, $60 for two data lines....and $60 for phone calls. THAT'S YOUR FAMILY PLAN.

Son - You're paying $360 this year for Dad to have email and internet access...

BiologicalMother - Well if he doesn't use it, we'll just cancel it.

Son - NO. You can't. You signed a two year contract. You are committed to paying $720 for him to have functions on his phone THAT HE WILL NEVER USE.

The best is how my father whispered to me, multiple times that he didn't understand just about anything on the phone....as if I had no idea!

To mess with him, right now I'm going to text him! This works on 75% of fossils...

iPhones....what a great idea for 'old coots'!

I wonder who has their's stolen or lost first, and has to shell out for a new *unsubsidized* smartphone, Mom or Dad?

There were so many more angles to this that I didn't convey.

For example, my mother thought that if she wanted a data plan....that my father had to have one too. That's wrong of course. My wife has a clamshell phone and I have a Droid with data through Verizon.

Also, my mother said she wanted my father to have some mobile access to his email mind you this is all *rationalization*. So I informed her that she could set up his account on her phone too and it would be fine because they are together most of the time. (I myself have 4 Gmail accounts set up on my phone - my two and each of my kids' accounts.)

But the gist, to go back to the beginning, was that they decided to get iPhones not knowing really that such an acquisition implied a lot more money for something they didn't really need. So instead of scrapping the iPhone idea they bought them AND at least one extra data plan.

iDiversity?

Cool logo....except iMorons DON'T *think different* (or differently).

I've been bashing them for quite some time as pathetic subscribers to groupthink.

Read this Wall Street Journal article for corroboration.

The gist of it is that people who buy iPhones....predominantly talk to other iPhone owners!

New Verizon Phone

Recall I paid-up for the Droid smartphone 2.41 years ago.

So when my phone, the display anyway, stopped working on Monday I was upset but relieved that my 2-year plan was up and I was due for an upgrade.

First I tried to have the guy at Verizon fix my phone....but that was to no avail.

Then I took a gander at the latest cordless cell phones - which spanned from $200 - $300 or so.

On these upgrades I always get at least $100 free towards a new phone.

BUT the dude told me that IS NO LONGER THE CASE - and hasn't been for about 2 years.

I was entitled to a mere $30 towards my new phone.

Say WHAT?!

Furthermore, Verizon was actually assessing an *upgrade fee* of $30. Meaning that -$30 + $30 = a big fat ZERO DOLLARS toward my next phone.

The *good news* he mentioned, was that I was *grandfathered in on the unlimited data plan*. Of course I don't need that (2GB) as I only use 167 MB per month. I'm no Moronic teenager, sitting around watching Netflix on my phone!

All this bummed me out as I wasn't planning on spending $200+ for one of the latest phones.

BUT the salesman steered me toward the phone he was using personally - an LG Lucid 4G Android.

It was pretty awesome. Fast, sleek, and scratch-resistant which the guy demonstrated by rubbing his car keys on it.

The best part was that it was only $79!

Sold!

As I was paying I got to talk some more with the salesman and one of his co-workers.

They said that the iPhone was dead right now because it wasn't on the faster 4G network. In general, he thought the iPhone was too expensive, too frail (shatter-prone screen), and too often a target of theft. He said that almost every day someone comes in having to buy a new phone because their iPhone was stolen.

They said that the Ice Cream Sandwich phones (new Android platform), the more expensive ones I was hoping to buy, were absolute battery-hogs. A salesgirl there said her phone needed to be plugged in all day long.

I don't follow this phone crap too closely....but I figured that my $79 phone was probably as good as the iPhone when it as going for $500+ a couple years ago.

The more knowledgeable Verizon salesman corrected me, "Your $79 phone is actually a lot more powerful than the iPhone..."

Texting Moron!

The guy needed this.

Ye Olde Megaphone?

It's *green* too!

Oh wait....is it synthetic rubber???

YOU Should Get Off The Phone

From the AP:

WASHINGTON (AP) -- For all the criticism and new legal bans, texting by drivers just keeps increasing, especially among younger motorists.

Most said they would answer a cellphone call while driving and continue to drive after answering. And nearly two of 10 acknowledged sending texts or emails from behind the wheel. That spiked up to half of drivers 21 to 24 years old.

More than half of drivers said making a cellphone call made no difference to their driving performance, and a quarter said texting or emailing made no difference. But 90 percent said that when they are passengers they feel very unsafe if the driver is texting or emailing.

I love it. They all think it's dangerous only when SOMEONE ELSE is texting/calling!

It's like how everyone hates Congress but continues to re-elect their representatives.

I'm a big advocate of heavy fines for roadway cordless cellphone usage.

BUT, these cops need to have a digital pic/video of you in order to issue a citation.

It's ridiculous that you can grab a candy bar or bend over and touch your shoes and some quota-bent cop can write you a $180 ticket for what they think is in-car phone use. You have ZERO recourse - at least here in New York - unless you want to miss an entire day of work and try to argue your defense with a judge.

Digital camera's would/should cost the police almost nothing. (Though I'm sure they'd find a way to spend $5,000 on each one!)

And it is my opinion that these dumb kids are texting, not simply because they are self-absorbed Morons....but probably more so because they are freakin' addicted to the devices.

Present In The Moment?

I enjoy the pleasure of going out all night boozing in Manhattan, probably 1.5 times per month.

I just cannot believe, that these Moronic youngsters are soooooo addicted to their cordless cellphones.

EVERYONE you look at is staring at an electronic gadget: video games, Facebook, texting, etc.

I mean even if they are out in a group at least 75% of them are face-down in a phone, 75% of the time.

And if they are, God forbid, alone....it's an automatic that they will be, ESPECIALLY nubile women.

That picture above isn't really even accurate. If it was, the chick would have her phone out behind his head too!

For a while now I've been thinking of a strategy to employ...

Perhaps I wear a shirt out in town that says, *Chicks who stare at phones all-night will stay single longer than Carrie Bradshaw*?

Or *The Ugliest Girls In Manhattan Stare At Phones In Bars*?

I know - they both suck. Still thinking hard...

The bars and restaurants in NYC are freakin' awesome - and this is what kills me. I can see this being an epidemic in a worse scene, e.g. Boston.

Self-absorbed in the youth culture, they have NO IDEA how stupid and insecure they look.

While they couldn't care less what I - an 'old coot'(?) - think....maybe instead of a donning a cleverly worded t-shirt I'll just accost them verbally?

iSluts?

More than once on this blog I've generalized about that fanatical sect - iMorons.

I don't care what anyone else or any study says, in my world they are a pure *chick thing*. (I guess because most of the Dads slave away for corporate America and hence have those BlueBerries?)

Yesterday I accidentally learned that the young female iMorons apparently can't keep their legs together. It was a widely broadcast *study* that I'm sure was carefully noted by the young men who oft troll the late-night singles bar scene, looking for openings.

What exactly is the DOUBLES bar scene anyway?

Class Action Lawyers - Drooling Over Sperm

According to author Tim Ferriss, male sperm counts are roughly half of what they were 50-60 years ago.

That could be due to a variety of factors, of course: sedentary living, diet, vaccinations(!), etc.

But get this, Ferriss mentioned in his new book that when he removed his cell phone from his pocket....that his sperm count doubled or something!

Of course there are *studies* that say it's not true and you Morons (many of whom shouldn't be procreating in the first place) are certainly free to believe them.

There are no warnings on these cordless cellphones - not that I've seen anyway. And even if there were I don't think it'd constitute a legal prophylactic.

So I expect the John Edwards-types to one day be going after the deep pockets of Verizon, AT&T, Apple, Research in Motion, et al down the road.

See also - Aging - A Downhill Death Spiral.

An App For Mugging?

They say that people are getting mugged for their cordless *smart*-phones in cities.

They are also likely to be targeted by thieves in a smartphone crime wave fuelled by the enormous appetite for the machines that serve as status symbols, essential worktools and mobile entertainment centres.

The Paris police chief sounded the alarm last week when he said smartphones were the hottest item for thieves on the city's metro and that robbers were increasingly turning to violence to get their hands on them.

In Britain, a 30-strong National Mobile Phone Crime Unit is battling what a police spokesman said is "a general increase in the proportion of thefts which involve smartphones."

Susana Ramirez, a 29-year-old author and newspaper columnist in the Spanish city Barcelona, told AFP that a blog she wrote about her fear of using her iPhone in public sparked a huge response from her readers.

"I look to the right and to the left before I get out my phone," she wrote in the blog. "As if, instead of a phone, I was about to take out a knife or a stash of drugs on the street."

In New York, public announcements warn subway commuters not to display phones or other electronic devices.

Wraith noted that Britain and many other countries had systems in place that render stolen phones useless by blocking them from national networks by using the handset's unique International Mobile Equipment Identity number.

But that has led to stolen phones being shipped abroad for sale in places like eastern Europe, Algeria, Morocco, or West Africa, where an iPhone can fetch several hundred dollars and up to 1,000 if it contains data that can be exploited for credit card or other fraud, he said.

This has just got to be one of those crimes I almost condone!

Read a book on the train. Or carry a notebook and WRITE something, anything(!), down - that's what I do.

Are YOU addicted?

Cell Phones - More Important Than Anything Else!

I don't care; I still think most of the these cordless phone apps are completely unnecessary if not mere toys/games.

Shoot, do average teenagers really send over 100 texts a day???!!!

A Boy Scout, Nabbed!

This morning, driving on my way back from hitting some of my 40,000 pre-paid range balls, I answer my ringing phone.

Thirty seconds later, an unmarked cop pulls me over for, of course, using a cell phone while driving.

I told the cop that I just moved from Massachusetts and hadn't adjusted to the law yet - to no avail.

The thing is, cell phone-talking drivers (and texters) are one of my biggest pet peeves. For years I have never let my wife talk (on the phone!) while driving - nor would I hardly ever use the phone when behind the wheel. In fact, I wouldn't even do it in Massachusetts for the past five years where the practice is still, amazingly, 100% legal. My longstanding policy has been to pull over to make calls; and I tell people who call me, "I can't talk, I'm on the road".

So how much is this going to cost? - I wondered. Probably $100. Maybe $75?

After minutes of waiting, the cop hands me a $180 summons.

It's tough for me to get angry, however unfair it seems. You see I completely agree with the law AND I do think cops should be pulling people over as they did with me.

In fact, it's the first time I have ever, in 20 years of driving, been pulled over for anything.

Let this be a warning to other New Yorkers out there - don't answer your phone, even for a second!

See also - The Unmentioned Auto Holocaust.

Living With The MIL Chronicles 2 - Off-The-Hook Phone Ringing

Obviously, whenever you move into someone else's house, there are going to be novel things for you to deal with.

The kitchen won't be arranged the way you're used to; there may be different *thermostat* policies; and so on.

One thing here at my MIL's house that's driving me a little bit bananas is her phones - which are throughout the house, ringing all day long.

It's telemarketers, charitable organizations, political fundraisers, et al. There are distant relatives that call and, of course, all the people that normally keep in touch with or do business with my MIL.

Except that the phone rings, literally, off the hook! There are a stupendous *41 missed calls* on the Caller ID at the moment.  Have you ever seen such a number?  I hadn't.

The other night the phone rang at 10:30 pm when we were sleeping.

There was one phone in my room, next to my bed that just had to go. My personal policy was to NOT AT ALL answer the phone. And why would I? It'd would never be for me. I'm not an answering service or a secretary - especially not when it rings that often. I really wanted to remove this phone - THAT RANG ALL THE TIME - from my nightstand but hesitated at first. After all, this wasn't my house and often times my MIL would be outside, hear her phone ring and run in and grab the closest phone which happened to be the one next to my pillow!

But I had to get finally get rid of it. A week ago, the phone rang and woke me up at 5:12 am. It may have been a wrong number, but still. Enough was enough.

That's the beauty of cell phones. Remember before them when you had to answer OTHER PEOPLE'S personal calls? Remember the small talk you had to endure with your buddy's parents or sister before getting a hold of them?

My own parents' phone seems to ring quite a bit as well.  Generally, the longer you've been somewhere, I think the more your number will be dialed.

But with my MIL, not only has she had the same number for decades, she also donates money to numerous organizations.  And once you're on their lists as *generous*, they're going to solicit you out the wazoo!

Of course just about everything, including the solicitation, can be done over email these days.  My own cell minutes are now down to around only 150 minutes per month - as all the small talk has permanently migrated over to email and text messaging.

I've just about gotten to the point where I loathe everything about phones...

See also - Living With MIL Chronicles 1.

The Big Apple Circus

This talented young lady uses *3 iPhones* to make some decent music:





Obviously, with all that expensive technology (and nice leather furniture)....obviously her mom is one successful masseuse!

Have any of y'all been to the Big Apple Circus? I thought it was terrific - when I was 10. In fact, it was also the implied backdrop for Seinfeld's The Gymnast.

How To Upload Video From A Droid To A PC

This isn't a post for everyone - obviously. In fact, it's not even for my regular audience.

Not only is it not easy to upload recorded video from a Droid phone to one's PC, it's not even easy finding out how to do it!

I must have spent over an hour surfing the web and following ambiguous instructions before breaking through.

First of all, the USB cord is almost hidden. It's actually part of the phone charger that comes with!

So, attach the phone to the USB cable (to the computer).

Then, on your phone, you have to pull down the *notification bar* (gray bar atop Droid screen) and click on *USB connected*. Then click on *Mount*.

That's the first tough part. Subsequent steps - double-click on DCIM folder, Camera folder,... - should be pretty self-explanatory.

I'm not sure the correct way to disconnect. Supposedly you have to *unmount* (does that mean unplug?) before you go back into the notification bar and *Turn off USB storage*.

But here's the other thorny problem - the videos arrive on your PC in *.3gp* files.

Those can't be played on your PC as is - not to my knowledge anyway. They have to be changed into another file type such as: .avi, .mov, mp4,...

I had to download Oxelon Media Converter, which is free. After doing that, all you have to do is run it; pull the .3gp files into the converter and change the file type (box upper right) to whatever you want.

In the course of writing this post I discovered that one can in fact upload a .3gp file directly to YouTube.

And there's just got to be a way to play .3gp files right on one's PC. But I'm not going to spend another hour figuring that out, not now anyway. (Hopefully someone reading this will help me out!)

Interrogating Clumsy Morons

First visit - Learn How To Turn A Phone Off!

So, I met up with that *individual* last weekend. Over email, he had been denying that the voice that sounds like his chatty broad and the voice that sounds like him, that I recorded on a phone call TO HIM....he was insisting that it must have been *someone else*. His defense was bull-poopy all-around; he even insisted that he had *lost his phone in Guatemala* - although the participants in South America spoke perfect, albeit gutter, English.

Anyways, I confronted him in person, in mixed company to boot.

Instantly, amidst further weak-a$$ denials, his forehead started oozing and dripping with sweat! It was a hilarious sight to behold, like nothing I've ever seen before.

App-less New 'Old Coots'

I've tried to educate myself a bit on those smartphone *apps*. I just read CNBC's Planet of the Apps; I looked at the Top 10 selling apps of 2009; and I even tested my apps knowledge ignorance on their little quiz...

But I still don't *get* apps. Beyond a phone, email, and the internet I just don't see what else I could possibly NEED.

Sure, others may *need* apps because they have nothing else going on - but I sure don't have time to spare. (Though that golf GPS app seems tempting!) Are modern day earthlings just addicted to gadgets or something? Are they wholly incapable of entertaining themselves? Can they not bear to be alone with their thoughts - OR, God forbid, be alone with THE PEOPLE THEY ARE PHYSICALLY WITH AT THE MOMENT?

What frustrates me here, is not so much all these Morons and their *cool* apps....it's that I can't for the life of me figure out the phenomenon.

Maybe my obtuseness on this front is strictly a function of me aging - of me rapidly approaching 'old coothoot'? Though I was carded at a bar two weeks ago, I will be a ripe 36 years young in three months' time.

In a sense, I feel like that typical fossil in the mid-nineties yammering, "Now what the heck would I ever want or need a cell phone for?!?!?!"



Hah! The *Moron Test* was the 10th best selling app of 2009. First it was Glenn Beck co-opting my schtick...

Of course, there is the real possibility that I am not too old and farty to *get* apps.

There a chance that this is some frivolous fad up there with acid washed jeans, jams, and middle parts with feathered hair...

From a different article, the pro-argument seems more palatable:

"Today's mobile phones are as powerful as many desktop PCs - more so, if you consider that they're also location-aware and have a built-in billing and payment system," said Lisa Allen, a board director of Mobile Monday Mid-Atlantic, the local chapter of a global group that aims to foster education and networking among the mobile-development crowd.

"We're seeing people run their entire lives, even their entire businesses, from their mobile phones," she said.

Fair enough.

Making It Easier To....Text God!

Recall that a church spire used to legally define the highest point in a faithful community. See - Weed Worshippers.

But now, not only are sky-scrapers throwing shadows on churches....now one parish is attempting to pimp out its spire for rent!

Check that number...

The installation of cell phone antennas in church steeples is not unusual. Next door in Hingham, three churches in the downtown area have installed cell antennas in their steeples in recent years: First Baptist Church, Hingham Congregational Church and New North Church.

Learn How To Turn A Phone Off!

So I just called *someone* I know. The phone rang twice and I heard a beep and some static. It was a bad connection, or so I thought. I hollered this guy's name but only heard his voice faintly in the background.

We did indeed have a connection.

And for the next 6.5 minutes I heard him and his life-partner going at it. I right away grabbed my camera, pressed *record*, and put it up against my Droid's earpiece.

Y'ALL SHOULD HAVE HEARD THE DIRTY TALK COMING OUT FROM THIS YOUNG LADY.

What a tiger!

It all makes sense now. I met this broad once before (at least I think it's her) and let's just say that she can *talk the balls off a pool table*.

So I'm going to email him this blog post....and contemplate what I should do with the 105 MB of feisty audio I just uploaded to my computer.