Viral Teenage Pooping Advice

In less than a week it's got 3 million views!

Not for nuthin...

How about washing hands???

I can't for the life of me get my 8 year old daughter to wash her hands - not even after taking a dump.

And guys....they never wash their hands after going to the loo, no matter what number they deposited.

As much as I'd like to scream at my daughter...

I recall that as a youth I used to get yelled at by my mother for not washing up.

Then I got wise. I simply ran the sink hard for a few seconds so she could hear it outside the bathroom door!

Another Great YouTube Entrepreneurial Success Story

Yeah, it involves *dragon breath*.

Click here.

After Brown and Yellow....Green

It's always an adventure, you know, in these *comfort stations*.

Will there be manually-dispensed paper towels, an automatic dispenser, or an empty dispenser?

Or will it be one of those ridiculous air-dryers? One of those supersonically loud ones....or one of those weak-a$$ older ones where you have to shake and rub your hands with abandon to get them half-dry?

Long ago I decided that I just couldn't take the all the mysterious excitement of how I'd have to dry off in unfamiliar bathrooms. So I go with a shake, trouser-wipe, and drip-dry methodology everytime, no matter the cornucopia of options.

All these places are trying to be *green* or *cheap* with air-dryers...

I just can't imagine those air-dryers don't use up a lot of electricity - especially that new one that so disturbingly powerful it could blow your merkin off - the so-called XLERATOR.

I say let everyone do as I do - let them dry off on their own slacks. Is it in the health code or something that public bathrooms must provide some device for drying?

They say that one-third of men don't even wash their hands in the bathroom.

I'll take the (way) OVER of that!

Pig Flu Hysteria - Uncurable

So I was out with my *group* at the local library the other day and one of the weirder *moms* yelled at her kid for squirting some of the community hand sanitizer into his palm.

GermaphobeMom - YOU CAN'T USE THAT....IT'S NOT SAFE....WE HAVE TO USE OUR OWN HAND SANITIZER.

At that I couldn't well help myself. I dilated my pupils in the sunshine, ran right over, and SNEEZED all over the lunatic. I probably should have dropped a bio-organic fart on her as well!

Imagine this though. You have to SANITIZE the hand sanitizer!

My wife informs me that her company just installed *tons* of hand sanitizers all over its offices - in the hallways, etc. It's a rather large organization so I wouldn't be surprised if they spent upwards of $1 million because the CDC said to *jump* and they were concerned about being a good corporate citizen.

See also - Swine Flu Bogeyman - Up For Slaughter. That post also has links to everything else I've written on *pig flu*.

Google Target Practice

I was googling for straws the other day and noticed the above search suggestions.

Number 2 caught my eye and piqued my curiosity.



After three hours of research, here's the best answer I found:

The melting ice acts as a slow, continuous flush.

Ice cools the air around the urinal. Cool air sinks, which serves to contain the smell.

Cold discourages drain flies.

Fun to melt, helps users aim better, compensates for poor male sanitary habits.

Hah!

Imagine if that hypothesis is correct, that urinal ice's prime function is a sanitary one. If an unwitting game of *pee target practice* really keeps the floors clear(er)....then human males might even be more pathetic than anyone had previously thought!

Many women have rarely, if ever, been in a men's comfort station - so they don't know how nasty the floor is, how poor and indifferent aimers men, aged 3-93, really are.

So I'll let Paulie Walnuts colorfully elaborate; and he does in fact address the ice: (WARNING: adult language )

Nanny Hygiene

Preschools Add Brush-and-Spit to Day

HAVERHILL, Mass. — The twelve 4-year-olds sat in a corner, small hands clasping toothbrushes. Isaac and Aaron brandished them like swords, stabbing each other in the side. Jacky rubbed his into the carpet. Abigail squirmed, and Chayleece jumped up and down.

You ready? Start brushing!” said Massiel Diaz, their teacher at the Basic Beginnings day care center. “Brush, brush your teeth — at least two times a day. Clean, clean, clean — fighting tooth decay,” Ms. Diaz sang out, as the children moved the brushes up, down and around, connecting with teeth occasionally but also with their face and nose.

Massachusetts is the first state to add toothbrush time to the color-nap-snack-and-play routine of preschools, requiring that all children who eat a meal at day care, or attend for more than four hours, brush their teeth during class and be educated about oral health.

The regulations, which went into effect last week, are being praised by some parents and caregivers while causing a tempest in a toothbrush for others, according to schools and chat rooms.

"I don’t want someone’s hand in my child’s mouth," said Sarah Brodsky, a teacher at First Path Day Care in Watertown and mother of 4-month-old Noah. "It’s a little too much" government intervention, Ms. Brodsky added.

It's getting competitive out there...

But Massachusetts is going to be darned to let anyone surpass it as THE *nanny state*!!!

Full Disclosure - I also teach my (homeschooled) students the fundamentals of good oral hygiene. But I incorporate math as well. With mine, I start out the brushing myself, then, after a spit I give them the toothbrushes to wield. The 3.62 year old Princess has to count 30 good brushes and so does her older brother. But with him, I mix it up. He has to count to 90 by threes, from 90 down to 0 by threes, from 2 to 60 by twos - or backwards, 1 to 15 by halves, or 1 to 10 by thirds. This is so-called *skip counting* and I've found it to be a good twice-a-day exercise.

Marginalizing Bad Breath

If someone hits you with their dragon breath, can you ever really look at them the same way?

I think not. And you'll keep a little more personal distance to boot. The worst is when you are at a loud bar with a stink face - because they'll invariably be up close hollering in your ear.

I brush my teeth multiple times per day. Have mints always at hand. I even keep mouthwash in the car which I utilize probably 3 times a day.

I've just always been paranoid about hitting someone with a halitotic breeze and them *not ever looking at me the same way again*.

I know - it's messed up. I generally don't care what people think one iota about my larger portfolio of folly and offense, but I do worry about what the lumpen masses might think of my breath.



So the other night, my wife, who I've been with for a total of 11 years now, made a remark about me having a$$ breath. WTF, I thought. Not me.

First of all, I'm certain it was a misdiagnosis. Secondly, there's a good chance she was messing with me. I'm by no means the only button-pusher in my household.

But still, I was agitated. If she was right, what more in the way of hygiene could I do?

In part my paranoia comes from the truism that *a dog can't smell its own*.

How could you ever really know if you were breathing fire?

They say to blow on your hand and then take a whiff.

But I've never detected anything that way - even when in sure possession of *nap-breath*.

Everyone has their stories, their personal examples.

I had to work with some Chinese grad student when I was in college. We were jammed into a tiny office for hours on end, collaborating on ginormous spreadsheets. This guy's teeth, what was left of them anyway, had probably never, ever been introduced to a toothbrush. In fact, another guy that worked with us ended up committing suicide in the middle of the project. I don't KNOW that it had to do with our working conditions, but I wouldn't be surprised - it was that bad. The deceased and I actually referred to the Chinese dude as "rat breath"!

We also had a friend in our high school clique with a serious mouth odor problem. He insisted that he didn't have to brush his teeth in the morning because *he didn't eat breakfast*!

In fact, predating that Seinfeld Smelly Car episode, that buddy of ours entire car ranked at all times. When called on it, he blamed one of us, who went swimming in the ocean and then entered his car. Yeah, it was the pristine salt water that made us gag....NOT!

When we met up again after freshman year at college, we all noticed that this buddy of ours was popping mints, one after another like a drug addict. So SOMEONE (a chick) must have told him. (Note that we went to a private all-boys Catholic school so female classmates in college were a novelty.)

Now, my poor 2.92 year old daughter has some serious bad breath. It's so bad, sometimes when your holding her you can't tell which end is up!

You'd never think such a massively rank aroma could emanate from a 23 pound little Princess - but it does. It reaches out and BITES you.

My wife, and the dentist, insist that it's from *post-nasal drip* and allergies. I've been ordered to *brush her tongue*.

If any of y'all are fighting with or subject to someone else's chronic bad breath, there are medical steps you can take.

1) Clean your tongue.
2) Chew gum.
3) Use cinnamon gum and mints.
4) Drink more water.
5) Get tested for kidney and liver failure.
6) Eat bread.
7) Get a water pick.
8) Verify your paranoia!

They're all explained here in - 8 Easy Steps to Banish Bad Breath.

If you want to mess with someone, convincingly hint to them that they have *disagreeable breath*. Don't just offer them a mint out of the blue, offer them two!

And If you really want to mess with them, recruit a couple others in their social circle to cast aspersions about stinky breath as well.

See also - Society Rests Upon Her Breath?