Viral Teenage Pooping Advice

In less than a week it's got 3 million views!

Not for nuthin...

How about washing hands???

I can't for the life of me get my 8 year old daughter to wash her hands - not even after taking a dump.

And guys....they never wash their hands after going to the loo, no matter what number they deposited.

As much as I'd like to scream at my daughter...

I recall that as a youth I used to get yelled at by my mother for not washing up.

Then I got wise. I simply ran the sink hard for a few seconds so she could hear it outside the bathroom door!

Those 'Old Bags' Were Right?

99 degrees today in New York...

On days like this it's too hot to go to the (government) pool so I wait until the evening - which is generally pretty nice.

After an excruciating 30 minute wait to renew my membership (3rd attempt this week!) we finally got into the pool area.

Not 3 minutes later a *floater* was supposedly espied by the lifeguards and they evicted 200-300 people from the water!

Everyone left but we waited an hour for the *flush*, i.e. re-open.

Later on the story changed to a *puke situation* and was verified. (They sent the scatologist home.)

Obviously, whoever the Moron kid was, they DIDN'T WAIT 20 MINUTES after eating before jumping back in the pool!

Poop Like A Dog?

Apparently it's healthier to *squat* above a hole in the ground while you defecate...

Who knew?

Seems to be another one of these 4th World habits (like bare feet, raw food, etc.) that's making a comeback among the healthy set.

Apparently squatters even do their thing atop conventional toilets.

But it can be somewhat dangerous.

Now, I'm going to WARN y'all. The following link is one of the most graphic I've ever posted. If you've just eaten....wait a little bit at least.

SQUAT TOILET ACCIDENT

I believe she was squatting atop a porcelain toilet....but it toppled and shattered. There are worse pics of this injury if you want to Google.

Now go try it!

In Honor Of Presidents' Day...

Whose Duty?

The odds are that *Dad* was on duty for this one.

BUT if he wasn't....then the smart money would be betting on the grandparents.

I saw it again yesterday at the playground. Some toddler $hits his diaper and Grandma TALKS about how it needs to be changed for 30+ minutes!

I've seen my kids' grandparents (all of them) do the same. Now 'old coots' are S L O W with everything....but self-defecation is always an urgent situation.  The longer you wait....the harder the wipe!

Two weeks ago I was victimized by a grandmother at the library. She wouldn't change her grandchild's diaper for what had to be 20 minutes. Meanwhile the entire library was getting gassed out. I was about one second from scooping up the poor kid and changing him myself!

Ultimately she took the kid out saying, "We need to go home to change your diaper..."!!!

You know they aren't far from revisiting the self-defecation life-stage themselves.

How about we let them *sit in it for a while*???

Women - Grosser Than We Thought

The scat-obsessed Ukrainian Fop sent me a link on toilet reading.

I was shocked to learn:

...and 41% of the women confessed to being regular toilet readers.

Besides that one lady who worked in my wife's office in Philly - who would blatantly fetch a newspaper(the sports section only!), tuck it under her arm, and saunter her way over to the comfort station....I had heretofore thought the practice was rare among the other gender.

It's entrapment!

Cheap Protein Power

Recall Tim Ferriss got me into early morning protein intake - *30 grams within 30 minutes of waking*...

So I started out with piles of eggs and beans (black or refried). But then I was happy to discover the Lean Shake.

They are a little bit expensive at over $2 per drink....

Yeah, THAT IS EXPENSIVE. I don't need to be spending over $700 a year on breakfast. Cereal and milk is probably a 50-60 cent per day meal.

I go into GNC (the store) and tell the guy, "I want the CHEAPEST protein shake mix you've got."

He steered me to the $70 jar pictured above and asserted that the shakes would be cheaper ($1 each) and better (less sugar). SOLD!

They didn't mix as well as the more expensive brand; they didn't nearly taste as good; but I rationalized these concerns away on account of the price.

Now the dude at the store told me that I needed to drink *multiple shakes* per day if I wanted to benefit. Note there wasn't a muscle on this scrawny Indian kid.

Multiple shakes?

Whatever. I may as well have been pitched by a financial adviser to make monthly mutual fund(!) investments....or an exterminator, "If I don't coming for monthly sprayings....the bugs/rodents will return." What kills me is how they lie so self-unconsciously. I guess they have to believe their own BS to get dressed each morning.

Anyways I was ramping up my shake-intake a little, perhaps to 1.5 a day.

But by Saturday of that first week I was, well, let's just say *on fire*. I would have stopped the shakes sooner but I didn't realize it was in fact these chemo-protein drinks that had me percolating something fierce.

The worst part is a strange lack of dissemination. You rip them without relief because they linger on your person like a cloud. There's just no getting away from your own stench a la Pig Pen!

My wife, not surprisingly(!), told me to trash the rest of the mix and just take the loss.

But I'm too stubborn and too cheap. I went back in last night and BANG, I lit up instantly again only minutes after one little shake.

So it's going to be a long month - in the spare bedroom, with the windows open.

Heck I should have known. If you read the jar it says "EXPLOSIVE amino acid blend" in what I now presume to actually be a legal disclaimer rather than a helpful description.

Only 58 shakes left...

Legendary Scat

Seriously, when these kids are uncles....their nephews will be bragging about them to the other kids in their homeschool co-op!

It is true though....it can't be healthy to hold it in. Tell your critics, "IT'S ORGANIC!"

Thanks to the still-poop-obsessed Ukrainian Fop for this link.

Super Pooper?

A relatively new friend of mine revealed to me the other day that he defecates *6-7 times per day*.

SAY WHAT???!!!

There just HAS TO BE SOMETHING WRONG WITH HIM, no?

After composing myself from the mind-blow....I suggested *butt kegels or something*.

SuperPooper - No. I don't have that problem. It's not like it just runs down my leg. I can control it at will. I just have a fast metabolism.

Anyone else ever hear of (or experience!) such a frequency?

See also - One More Crudity From NH.

Cat Scat - Double Gross!

That's certainly some interesting ink to adorn oneself with...

Except that the canvas is competing for the viewer's attention.

And I think it's safe to say that the *anatomy* is just as gross.

Scat Head-Scratcher, Literally!

Here's a rare insightful YouTube comment:

No Way This Is Real!

"Make bathroom time fun again with the original SafeGlide adapter and Poopy-Time shapes.  What will your kid poop up?"


One of y'all can google to see if it's real...

Almost Clean

Recently I came across a public toilet that automatically lined the seat with fresh paper.

Then, just yesterday I came across another such animal:



This one just wiped the seat clean by rotating it under a sanitized brush.

Cool, right?

Except that when I bent over a little to look at the brush I noticed a pile of *curlies* lodged and dangling from it!

Surprise Scat

I don't think he was scared:



I think he just relaxed the wrong muscle(s)...

Scat Quack

I had no idea that Dr. Kellogg, the founder of the cereal brand and granola, was a complete QUACK:

It was the bowel that got Kellogg's undivided medical attention. Ninety percent of all illness, he would calmly explain, originated in the stomach and bowel. "The putrefactive changes which recur in the undigested residues of flesh foods" were to blame, he explained. Guests who arrived at Battle Creek soon learned that their once-pristine bowel was now a sewer of autointoxication, full of poisons like creatin, skatol and indol.
Kellogg's influence and enthusiasm made the bowel not only an acceptable subject of polite conversation, but a national obsession. More and more people became convinced that their bowel must be given an antiseptic cleansing. Autointoxication begone! The medical wizard of Battle Creek could provide the answer. The bowel, poisoned by meat-eating, drinking, smoking and usually anything pleasurable, was poked, prodded and otherwise assaulted by attendants at the San.

Kellogg made sure that the bowel of each and every patient was plied with water, from above and below. His favorite device was an enema machine ("just like one I saw in Germany") that could run fifteen gallons of water through an unfortunate bowel in a matter of seconds. Every water enema was followed by a pint of yogurt -- half was eaten, the other half was administered by enema "thus planting the protective germs where they are most needed and may render most effective service." The yogurt served to replace "the intestinal flora" of the bowel, creating what Kellogg claimed was a squeaky clean intestine.

If a healthy dollop of yogurt was not enough to do the trick, more drastic steps were necessary. If autointoxication persisted and poisons remained, the offending stretch of intestine was removed. Kellogg performed as many as twenty operations a day.

The result, Kellogg claimed, was nothing short of medical revolution. By pumping yogurt cultures into the rectums of America's well to do, Kellogg claimed that he had managed to cure "cancer of the stomach, ulcers, diabetes, schizophrenia, manic depressives, acne, anemia ... asthenia, migraine and premature old age." There was nothing a clean bowel couldn't handle.

Man was Dr. Kellogg a complete wack-job! Yogurt?

The guy was also AGAINST intercourse AND auto-gratification:

"A remedy [for masturbation] which is almost always successful in small boys is circumcision...The operation should be performed by a surgeon without administering an anesthetic, as the brief pain attending the operation will have a salutary effect upon the mind...In females, the author has found the application of pure carbolic acid to the clitoris an excellent means of allaying the abnormal excitement. " -- Dr. John Harvey Kellogg

And here's some more from that link on this *Scat Quack*:

Granola was only one of several delicacies the doctor designed for patients at The San. Other house specialties included Caramel Cereal Coffee, Bulgarian yogurt (Kellogg was big on yogurt), and meat substitutes Protose (like beefsteak) and Nuttose (like veal). At one point, Kellogg concentrated solely on nuts. He wrote a paper, "Nuts May Save the Race," and claimed to have invented peanut butter, along with several other nut spreads and Malted Nuts.

Though low on flavor, the ambitious menu helped turn the hospital around financially. Under Kellogg's guidance, most of the patients admitted to The San just needed a diet. They were overweight or overworked. They suffered from Americanitis, treatable with rest, room service and wheelchair socials. The cure rate became remarkably high since no one seriously ill was admitted.

No chronic masturbators were admitted either. Kellogg echoed Graham's doom-and-gloom views on the matter and even added to them. On the night of his honeymoon (more on this in a moment), he spent his time writing Plain Facts for Old and Young, a warning on the evils of sex. Of the 644 pages, 97 address "Secret Vice (Solitary Vice or Self-Abuse)," its symptoms and results. Included are 39 signs indicating someone is jacking off; a list comprehensive enough to indict everyone vaguely human: #7. Sleeplessnes, #11. Love of solitude, #12. Bashfulness and #13. Unnatural boldness, #14. Confusion of ideas, #24. Capricious appetite, #28. Use of tobacco, #30. Acne.

Such was Dr. Kellogg's power play: in rejecting known masturbators from the hospital, he avoided acknowledging there was no real cure. Yet his theories gave him an outlet from poor slobs the hospital diet couldn't help. Dr. Kellogg could diagnose them as masturbators and thus pass responsibility for the problem onto the patient. If the illness persisted, that was proof of secret vice, or that the problem was long-term or irreversible. Dr. Kellogg was never wrong. In fact, he made an issue of abstaining from all sexual relations himself, supposedly to prove that sex was not necessary to health. Though he married Ella Eaton, their marriage was never consummated and they lived in separate apartments.

Sunday Scat - An Ingenious Combo Device!

Check out the - Fart Operated Random Channel Remote.

Steamy Summer Scat

Indeed it is a real product - some sort of pad to be inserted in one's briefs; it's supposed to absorb the sound and smell of organic flatulence. Though I'm sure at least half of its purchases will be of the *gag* variety!

Reviews:

It's a great product and does just what it says. Very helpful when you have to travel a bunch. Wish I'd had an extra pack to hand to the guy across the aisle from me on my last trip!! I would also recommend for expectant mothers.

I tried the product because, since I have IBS, I thought it might help on those days when I was gas incontinent. It didn't work at all, even when I tried using multiple patches at once to cover a larger area. Its a good idea, but it doesn't work. Save your money!

I do believe there is a disclaimer on the product. They say it's not guaranteed to be effective on well-marbled men over the age of 55!

Speaking of scat...

It was hot yet again today and I decided to take the kids to the town pool. But when we got there the *big kid* pool was de-populated. I asked a teeny-bopper if they were doing one of those lifeguard breaks or something. "No...someone pooped in the pool. It'll re-open at 5:30."

So we killed a half-hour at the toddler pool. Later on, some *mom* told me that it was actually vomit in the pool that caused the emergency stoppage. I joked that there was probably some truth to making kids wait 20 minutes between eating and swimming. They made us do it, so we are obligated to torture our broods with the same old-wives' mythology!

However later on, another *mom* informed me that it was in fact a floating log, as originally thought, that was the issue.

Only it was found in the *lanes*. Now who swims in the lanes of a town pool?

Yep, that's right, nobody but 'old coots' - though that *mom* giggled that it must have come from a "codger".

Thanks to PrivateCaller for the link to Subtle Butt.

In The Event Of A Bio-Chemical Attack...

It's about time us MEN had some nocturnal protection!

Now if only they can invent an insulated blanket capable of pacifying Midnight Warfare.

BTW, was that ad real? I couldn't tell.

Thanks to my cousin for this one.

Nowhere To Run!

So my first wife ran a local 10k road race today.

She runs a little bit, but has never before gone that long - 6.21371192 miles.

AND, making it even more difficult, we were *out* last night.

Before she was about to leave she articulated her primary fear to me.

You see, when Mrs. C-Nut goes running, it activates the *terminal stages* of her digestive system. In fact, there was a particular ice cream shop in Brooklyn Heights near the end of her *loop* that she often had to go barreling into!

Me? I never have any scat issues. I go when I want, with plenty of warning, and in a matter of a minute or so. No back-ups, no gushers, etc. I need not coffee, reading material, or any other catalysts.

I scolded my dear wife and suggested she *take care* of her needs beforehand. We are on our way out of town, but still an *accident* of this nature amidst 1,700 neighborly participants could be ruinous. To my chagrin, she pushed back, declaring absolute powerlessness in that department.

In a last ditch effort to convey the seriousness of the risk she was taking....I ushered her over to my computer and made her behold the pic of that poor fellow above.

Scatology, Defined

Contemplate for a moment the thought process behind that do...

I was just thinking how much *poopy* material there is out there - how universal and bleoved a subject defecation is.

I was thinking they're really ought to be a *poop blog*. So I googled for one and came up with almost nothing (constipated!).

Now there's a $1 million dollar business idea if I ever smelt one!

I have one poopy friend in particular who could supply an hilarious, marketable, auto-biographical anecdote every few days.

See - One More Crudity From NH - for an example.