Thursday, May 14, 2009

Marginalizing Bad Breath

If someone hits you with their dragon breath, can you ever really look at them the same way?

I think not. And you'll keep a little more personal distance to boot. The worst is when you are at a loud bar with a stink face - because they'll invariably be up close hollering in your ear.

I brush my teeth multiple times per day. Have mints always at hand. I even keep mouthwash in the car which I utilize probably 3 times a day.

I've just always been paranoid about hitting someone with a halitotic breeze and them *not ever looking at me the same way again*.

I know - it's messed up. I generally don't care what people think one iota about my larger portfolio of folly and offense, but I do worry about what the lumpen masses might think of my breath.

So the other night, my wife, who I've been with for a total of 11 years now, made a remark about me having a$$ breath. WTF, I thought. Not me.

First of all, I'm certain it was a misdiagnosis. Secondly, there's a good chance she was messing with me. I'm by no means the only button-pusher in my household.

But still, I was agitated. If she was right, what more in the way of hygiene could I do?

In part my paranoia comes from the truism that *a dog can't smell its own*.

How could you ever really know if you were breathing fire?

They say to blow on your hand and then take a whiff.

But I've never detected anything that way - even when in sure possession of *nap-breath*.

Everyone has their stories, their personal examples.

I had to work with some Chinese grad student when I was in college. We were jammed into a tiny office for hours on end, collaborating on ginormous spreadsheets. This guy's teeth, what was left of them anyway, had probably never, ever been introduced to a toothbrush. In fact, another guy that worked with us ended up committing suicide in the middle of the project. I don't KNOW that it had to do with our working conditions, but I wouldn't be surprised - it was that bad. The deceased and I actually referred to the Chinese dude as "rat breath"!

We also had a friend in our high school clique with a serious mouth odor problem. He insisted that he didn't have to brush his teeth in the morning because *he didn't eat breakfast*!

In fact, predating that Seinfeld Smelly Car episode, that buddy of ours entire car ranked at all times. When called on it, he blamed one of us, who went swimming in the ocean and then entered his car. Yeah, it was the pristine salt water that made us gag....NOT!

When we met up again after freshman year at college, we all noticed that this buddy of ours was popping mints, one after another like a drug addict. So SOMEONE (a chick) must have told him. (Note that we went to a private all-boys Catholic school so female classmates in college were a novelty.)

Now, my poor 2.92 year old daughter has some serious bad breath. It's so bad, sometimes when your holding her you can't tell which end is up!

You'd never think such a massively rank aroma could emanate from a 23 pound little Princess - but it does. It reaches out and BITES you.

My wife, and the dentist, insist that it's from *post-nasal drip* and allergies. I've been ordered to *brush her tongue*.

If any of y'all are fighting with or subject to someone else's chronic bad breath, there are medical steps you can take.

1) Clean your tongue.
2) Chew gum.
3) Use cinnamon gum and mints.
4) Drink more water.
5) Get tested for kidney and liver failure.
6) Eat bread.
7) Get a water pick.
8) Verify your paranoia!

They're all explained here in - 8 Easy Steps to Banish Bad Breath.

If you want to mess with someone, convincingly hint to them that they have *disagreeable breath*. Don't just offer them a mint out of the blue, offer them two!

And If you really want to mess with them, recruit a couple others in their social circle to cast aspersions about stinky breath as well.

See also - Society Rests Upon Her Breath?

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