Monday, June 09, 2008

My Deranged Dog Friend

Last night I got in touch with a college buddy of mine whom I don't see often due to geographical reasons. Here was our conversation:

CaptiousNut - Yo, what's up? What have you been up to?

DerangedFriend - Well, we drove down to North Carolina to buy a dog. (from Baltimore).

CaptiousNut - So, I guess you guys aren't going to have kids for a while? (married one year ago)

DerangedFriend - Ah, well my wife wanted a dog. She's home all day in the summer. You didn't even ask what kind we got.

[On only the third guess I nailed it - a Great Dane]

CaptiousNut - So I guess you got a big back yard, no? (they recently bought a new "house")

DerangedFriend - Yeah we do, it's 10 by 10.

CaptiousNut - That's cruel. You can't put a big dog in a small yard like that.

DerangedFriend - Well, we'll walk him and take him to the dog park. (mostly frequented by prophylactating yuppies)
CaptiousNut - You guys should come up to Boston to visit us this summer. We essentially live right on the beach; it's only 1.5 miles down the street. We have plenty of space.

[We talked about him coming up for a full five minutes. He was pretty excited about doing so, then...]

DerangedFriend - Oh wait, I guess with the puppy, it kind of complicates things.

[His tone became despondent.]

CaptiousNut - Ah well, didn't you THINK about trade-offs like this before you committed to a DOG.

DerangedFriend - Er, ah, mmm, well my wife really wanted one. (can you say 'emasculation'?)

CaptiousNut - That's it, your going on my Deranged Dog People post!

Pictured above is the dog park in DUMBO - just north of Brooklyn Heights. I was always amazed walking by that thing and seeing dozens of dogs, particularly large ones. Six hundred square feet would be considered a large apartment in that area. I found it cruel that so many self-centered yuppies in this area incarcerated large dogs in their closet-sized apartments all day.

These yuppies can't simply get a more sensible poodle or a mature dog from the animal shelter. No, they have to go spend $1,000 (or more) and buy a purebred Great Dane, German Sheppard, or Labrador puppy. They just HAVE TO put the exclamation point on their DERANGEMENT!

Without passing judgment on these people (because I would NEVER do that to any sub-population), about 80% of the people I know who've gotten dogs have either deferred marriage or deferred procreation - at least longer than their peers. What could be worse than being a walking, reflexive stereotype?

Oops...judgment revoked.

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