Wedding Homophilia

Just have to admire the work the *boys* put in on this one:

BUT....was it a prom or something? They looked pretty young, at least to this incipient 'old coot's' eyes.

I enjoyed watching it nonetheless.

Remember, just because 1/32 of the music I listen to is of the Justin Bieber variety, that doesn't make me an invert, androgynous, transgendered, or vaginal in any way shape or form!

(Click the link to decipher.)

Artic-Bound

My youngest cousin is getting married in York, Maine on Saturday. I'm very excited to go up north before the snow hits (next week?).

On my mother's side there were 12 of us cousins. And after this weekend they will essentially all have been married except for one, a forty year old, well-marbled male - who my first wife insists, despite innumerable girlfriends, is a closeted invert. Whatever.

Around age 30 we were in wedding-overload. Many were fun but there were plenty that were brutal - obligatory, boring, in undesirable locales, expensive, etc. Thank God we're finally out of this life stage. There are a few re-marriages on the horizon....but those tend to be, or SHOULD tend to be lower key.

It should be clear sailing once I get over the Throg's Neck Bridge tomorrow morning. It's been painful lately. The GPS says 5.33 hours to York; but it will take us 7 with stops and traffic.

The best part of the trip, sorry Cousin, is that I'm going to play Wentworth By The Sea Country Club with a long-lost buddy on Sunday morning in New Hampshire. This is my fifth private club invitation in the past two months....so why should I ante up and join a club of my own??? Plus I have nearby Bethpage...

Alright I was kidding.  I've very happy for my cousin and excited to see my entire family at what will no doubt be the last family wedding for several years.

It Just Makes The Rest Of Us Men - LOOK BAD

This video is blowing up on YouTube over the past month. Read the description first:

My girlfriend Ginny gets taken to the movie theater to see "Fast Five". After a preview for the Hangover 2, a trailer for a movie comes on. A trailer I made of her father and I where I ask her father for her hand in marriage. After he gives me permission, I race off to the theater she is at to ask her to marry me.

What she doesn't know is our familiy and friends are in the theater with her watching the whole thing, along with about 100 strangers ;-)

My wife watched that last night on her iPad (Facebook link from commiserating broads, of course) and not long after complained to me that she hadn't been bought flowers in a while and was due!

WTBleep....her birthday is 4 weeks away.

It's not *the movies* this clip is making jealous...

I Love You, But...

I'm a real fan of this guy so I'll leave his name out of searchable text.

I just heard that he was engaged a year or two ago but the wedding fell apart at the last minute.

Apparently, or so I was told, the young lady refused to sign a pre-nuptial agreement.

Personally I don't blame her. I don't think I would ever sign one either.

And that's not because I'm overly-romantic (ask my wife!) or because I'm naive either.

It's just that when you take vows in front of your friends, family, and God....it just has to mean something.

Heck if that doesn't mean anything, then I don't know what on this *overheated* planet would!

$hit is going to happen in life; you'll never be able to take sufficient pre-emptive action - sometimes  you just have to roll with the punches...

Bridging The Cultural Divide

Check out this cool wedding video of a South Philly jabroni - it picks up after the 2:00 mark:



While not exactly the stereotypical *South Philly* wedding....it looked like a whole lot of fun nonetheless. Instead of the Mummers' Strut they did the Indian Mummy Strut or something and had a blast. Why wasn't I invited?!

And yeah, that fat groom, he is the 6th ranked pool player in Pennsylvania whose butt I whipped two years ago.

Get this...

Earlier this month I sicked him on the 4-Hour Body and he gleefully reported to me that in only 2 weeks on Tim Ferriss' diet, he's already shed 17 lbs!

Not for anything, but I should really pimp myself out as one of those high-priced *life coaches*...

Newlywed Numerologists

A few weeks ago I attended the baptism of my niece and nephew.

I was BS'ing with the priest and asked him why that day, a Saturday, the church was free for him to do a private baptism.

After all, October is the most popular month for weddings. I'll bet y'all thought it was June, right?

It turns out, a handful of couples wanted him to marry them the next day, Sunday October 10th.

Now why is that? Sunday weddings are a pain in the arse for anyone that has to travel. Not to mention, more than a few people, close relatives(!) might be unable to attend on account of their pagan worship of an American football team. Catholics, so far as I can tell, simply do not do Sunday weddings.

Except this particular Sunday would read "10/10/10" on the invitations. And that symmetrical date must have appealed to more than a few pinheaded couples!

Priest - They all wanted 10/10...

CaptiousNut - What, are they numerologists or something?

Priest - THAT'S WHAT I WAS WONDERING!

I know someone who waited a whole other year, drawing the engagement out to 1.57 years because they were dead-set on a having a June wedding.

Guess what....it freakin' POURED - ALL WEEKEND LONG that long-awaited June.

May God curse the unions of those numeric pagans!

Itch Time

Today my wife and I celebrated our 7th wedding anniversary. (Actually we celebrated yesterday, sneaking out to the upscale Port Washington Diner sans children.)

Hmmmm....I just learned that expression - The Seven Year Itch - comes from a Marilyn Monroe film, the one that yielded the famous scene above .

Whatever.

*Ten years* is coming up fast.

Did y'all see Season 4 of Curb Your Enthusiasm?

Pole Dancers - ONLY For The Bachelor Party

The fundamental problem is not alcohol.

No, it's family AND inlaws.

Alcohol is still, far and away, the best prescription out there for the *pain* no matter its occasional, fleeting side effects.

Living In A HeadBook World...

So last Easter weekend a cousin of mine exuberantly their engagement (no, not that one, he's *unpairable*) ....by changing their status on FaceBook.com!

Some of the older set in the family were taken aback, remarking indignantly "I hope she told her mother first!"

Whatever. While I'm against HeadBook in all its aspects, I'm also against 'old coot' Luddites.

Plus, the couple was already living in sin, co-owned co-borrowed a condo, and was raising a wretched puppy I think. So it wasn't so much an *announcement* as it was an expected formality. As my 96.43 year old grandfather commented in his thick Polish accent, "I don't approve how she live with guy [sic]..."

But I'll tell you what - if they use Evite.com exclusively for the wedding reception....it'll most likely be a pretty YOUNG and hence FUN one to attend!

A Cheesy Valentine's Day Post

Ever the romantic, last night, at the bar, upon demand from a random, I couldn't remember the name of my first wife and I's wedding song.

Here's what we danced to back in September of 2003 (don't ask me the precise date - I think it was a Saturday!):



As most of you discerning non-Morons are aware, I perpetually *rip* most things to shreds. I use terms like *worst*, *terrible*, *stinks*, more often than most people use the word *the*. And I definitely don't spare myself in this regard. When I err or botch, I'm usually the first and loudest critic.

Having said all that, I still think that my wife and I chose a spectacular wedding song. The words are poignant; it was timely for our relationship; and *All My Life* obviously was a little different. Again, y'all that are paying attention must realize that we march to our own beat here in the C-Nut family - literally, from the get-go!

However, one criticism that can, and has been leveled at our song choice was that it might have been a little too *non-white*. But you have to understand, my wife is 100% Sicilian!

How many standard, country club, *steak, fish, or chicken* weddings, where they dance to *At Last*, do y'all want to go to anyway?

I think I've been to 30 weddings in my life. And yet I can only remember 3 of the wedding songs: *At Last*, *From This Moment*, and I think my sister did a U2 song (*Beautiful Day*?).

On another note, I can remember almost EVERY SINGLE best man speech.

Why's that? Well, because MOST of them were *terrible* or *stunk*. And two in particular that I have witnessed might be the *worst* ever delivered at such an occasion!

Seven Minute Itch?

So, They Think They Can Dance

I posted one similar before. But I think I like this one better.

Pretty cute girl for that guy, eh?

Obviously he has what my wife charitably refers to as *fat-guy-personality*!

And it begs the question, or long-running debate in my household:

What do we see more of in terms of odd marriages?

Hot chicks settling for ugly dudes?

Or handsome men settling for unattractive women?

I'm not so sure anymore. What I'm witnessing now, in my mid-30s age group, is that men and women do undergo major changes in *attractiveness* over time.

The chunk-a-do dancing above may seem to have married up at the moment...

But in a few years, perhaps the cutie goes downhill after a kid or two....perhaps the dude starts eating Subway sandwiches, discovers yoga or BootyBallet, maybe even goes on to win a reality show, getting their 100k *extreme makeover*, etc....

And then he decides to flick away his once perky bride like a fingertip booger!

Human Personality Ain't Extinct, Yet

In the relatively boring social world of married couples....this seems like a pair that'd be fun to hang out with. It's their first dance:



13 million hits on youtube!

Then again, this couple could very easily be *too much*.

A Long Way From...

He's come a long way from pink lemonade and *man-watching*!!!

My last single friend just got hitched - to a female.

Now the race is on between Taylor and West Coast Tom....to see which can finds a lid first.

Otherwise I am going to sit back and enjoy the next several years with no more weddings to attend.

Pissant Newlyweds

Old pal Perry Eidelbus just got married and I am desperately trying to find out where he and his Mail-Order Bride are registered so I can send a proper gift.

But get this. Perry is on his blog announcing to the World Wide Web that he wants "cash" - and "cash is best".

Apparently someone wrote him a check and he cashed it so fast that it bounced. Then he proceeded to complain about it on his blog. What an ingrate!

Well, the check...bounced. They probably didn't expect us to deposit it so quickly. The bank didn't return it to me, so I presume it's being returned to my in-laws. They'll realize what happened, then, although we won't bring it up. They really didn't have to give us anything, and they were too nice to take us to dinner this week anyway.

Money is actually a horrible wedding gift. It's hardly thoughtful. When I was younger I'd just buy a card and insert a check. But over the years I've realized that it's much better to give newlyweds something they will use, enjoy, and/or treasure for a lifetime - like candlestick holders!

Perry's episode actually reminded me of one of my own. About seven years ago we attended the wedding of one of my wife's friends in Vineland, New Jersey. We actually did give cash - about $300 if memory serves me right - though in the form of a CHECK, Perry. The next morning, at the wedding brunch, the bride and groom ran up to us and thanked us profusely for our *generous gift*. We were startled to say the least.

We thought, "What the heck? Did they spend their wedding night opening cards and gifts?????"

It was a *lose an hour* daylight savings night as well!

I could be more specific about the ethnicity of this romantic couple - but I'll let you project your own stereotypy on the anecdote.

If you do go with the candlestick holders....make sure they are Waterford or something.

Other gift ideas would be Bose Noise Cancelling Headphones (haha) or a high-end vacuum from Miele (seriously).

Feel free to do a *chip-in* on these suggestions - particularly the latter one.

UPDATE - Perry has blocked my direct links to his posts. So to get to his blog from here, one must right-click on my links, copy the shortcut, and paste into another browser tab or window. For more on this childish tactic of his - click here.