Thursday, December 24, 2009


My teeth weren't that bad as a kid, but I had enough of a *buck* to necessitate braces.

After they came off, the orthodontist gave me a *retainer* that I was supposed to wear while I slept. I did so for a bit, then I stopped. You see, I went to college, where there were broads, and sleeping with the thing gave me dragon breath.

Now, some 17 years since I scrapped the thing, I've noticed that one of my bottom teeth is trying to *wander*, even if ever so slightly.

All I had to do was casually broach the subject in my dentist's office and before you know it, the hygienist was pushed aside by her boss. He came at me hard with a sales pitch for Invisalign - some orthodontic appliance I'd never heard of. Hmmmm....I wondered why dentists were now infringing on orthodontist territory. By the way, did y'all know that dentists are licensed to inject Botox? They fought hard for the privilege; anything for an additional buck - I guess.

Of course, I'm a profoundly curious person. I listened intently and interjected MY questions. Most importantly, I wanted to know about COST, and I asked THREE TIMES.

But the unctuous dentist kept beating around the bush mumbling stuff about *insurance*, how it would be *cheaper to be preemptive*, etc., as if money was merely a detail. Finally I screamed at him:

CaptiousNut - If I was paying cash, how much would it cost me.

Dentist - to get an estimate...[blah, blah, blah]

CaptiousNut - WOULD IT BE $200 or $20,000???!!!

Dentist - You mean you just want me to *ballpark* it for you?

CaptiousNut - YES!

Dentist - Anywhere from $3,500 to $5,000.

Okay. Thanks. How hard was that, you slimy Moron?

And it was at that very moment that my eyes noticed the jagged, summer teeth of HIS lower jaw!

(*summer teeth* = some are here, some are there)

I really can't stand it when amateurs, be they car salesmen, cab drivers, Craigslist consumers, or dentists, try to play bidding and offering games with me, a savvy professional.

The guy wouldn't give me a price, not because pricing is *too complicated*; no, he was shifty because he was trying to measure me up, calculating how high could he charge!

THAT is why he ran in there to check my teeth personally, for the first time in the last 4 visits.

Do any of y'all know anything about Invisalign or its competitors?

I just assume they work for ten years....and then the teeth start wandering anew.


Unknown said...

One of my kids got Invisalines. They worked no better than traditional braces, cost about the same, and took longer to align teeth.

Anonymous said...

I hate the dentist. I have been told by one I need to go see a shrink because of my teeth grinding, one dentist decided to leave the emergency message off on a day off while my root canal got infected, and another recently told me I had 85 yr old teeth (due to my grinding), I am 34. They recommended some mouth guard and I asked about the cost. They quoted me $500 dollars but when i got the quote from my insurance company, it is close to a thousand. I have another appointment and you can bet I broach the subject of getting a simple football mouth guard for 5 bucks at Sports Authority. My new years resolution is to do more haggling with these rip off artists...

CaptiousNut said...


Isn't that annoying - the *cost the same* aspect?

These innovations are supposed to be cheaper, yet in the euphoria of a 25 year bull market, everything new was able to market itself as a *premium product*. People have to PAY UP for the clearness, the removability, or whatever of Invisalign.

Reminds me, off the top of my head, of satellite color TV which was only a hair cheaper than cable; and Trex decks which priced every dollar saved on *maintenance* into the upfront cost; etc.

Unknown said...

Yeah those Invisalines are little more then mouth gaurds ($5 at Sports Authority), just more rigid material, which they replace every couple of months as needed. Major rip off.

Unknown said...

Biggest mistake I ever made in my entire life. They give you the sales pitch saying how good it will be. My family bought it. I didn't. They thought it would be nice to have nice straight teeth. My advice to you is research the hell out of this crap. Do not let them sit you in that chair my advice to you is research the hell out of this crap. Do not let them have you in that chair and be frickin sales people.

CaptiousNut said...

Justin, You skipped it but it's that was a "mistake"? Can you clarify? Thanks.

Renee Yurovsky said...

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