Saturday, January 30, 2010

Aging - A Downhill Death Spiral

So I had lunch yesterday with an old (going back to HS) friend of mine.

His wife is due any minute with their second child.

My 35 year-old buddy nonchalantly mentioned that he had a *consult* scheduled in two weeks.

A *consult*? What the bleep does that mean? A divorce lawyer or something?

I forget how he articulated it, but think he said or gestured *snip, snip* or something to that effect.


Are you freakin' kidding me? We were eating lunch for crying out loud!

First off, I told him that he'll *lose 15 yards off the tee* automatically, perhaps 20.

Secondly, is he out of his mind? Why can't SHE have the operation?

I was in complete and utter disbelief. What about those Commandments:

Accept children lovingly from God.


Hit'em LONG and straight.


Exactly how freakin' old am I getting?

My hair is lightening in some spots and I have nasty varicose veins popping out. I'm turning into my father in terms of wardrobe and wandering around the house all night investigating *sounds*. Last year I went to my first 40th birthday party. I wintered in Florida last year. Et cetera.

I've known this friend of mine since puberty, since the thing just started to function!!! And now he's ready to voluntarily *disarm*?

I'd never, ever get a vasectomy. Especially not now with those high end sperm banks offering me $1,000 for deposits. (I'm holding out for 5k, per.)

Maybe this will change his mind:

I've also heard of wives who make their husbands get snipped on account of their philandering suspicions.

That I simply don't get. Wouldn't it just embolden a *hound* to be less careful?

Try as I might, I don't think I'm ever going to understand the mindset and ways of earthlings.


Funny Circus Bears said...

Getting snipped after number 3 was great - no more condoms or "skeet f*cking" (PULL). But I'm not burdened with religious or macho fantasies.

CaptiousNut said...

You wash your clothes on the delicate cycle now?

Funny Circus Bears said...

I like that. Silly boy.

Anonymous said...

Why is it fair if I have the operation instead of him? I already am going through childbirth 2x.

-The friend's wife

CaptiousNut said...


First of all, you get *drugs* that turn birth into a euphoric, glorious experience.

Secondly, you got to get all those new so-called *maternity* clothes. No such thing as PATERNITY CLOTHES is there?!

Thirdly, you, and every other mom GETS to breastfeed the baby.

By my calculus, the man gets the shaft....and now you'd take his?

I hope he had the stones to watch that video in its entirety!

Plus, after the second kid, permanent birth control is sort of superfluous. You'll see.

Taylor Conant said...


Isn't it weird to think about "the last time you'll have sex"? You probably won't even realize it's your last time, and therefore won't make an effort to enjoy it as much as you should, considering you'll never have it again!

Also, why doesn't your friend just try one of the charting methods? An "au naturale" friend of mine swears by it (note: requires committed, responsible partner).

Anonymous said...

Mathlete, your calculus is so off this time.

I didn't get any drugs making birth a pleasant experience. I am sure guys get drugs so that they don't feel pain during and after the procedure.

Breastfeeding can be a nice experience, but doing it every 2-3 hours and not sleeping sucks.

Who cares about maternity clothes?

I am sure you are right about 2 kids almost making bc unnecessary though.